My wedding is October 2. I am trying to keep it low key so that my sister doesn’t find out. I want my wedding to be about us – not her.

Girl walks into the ladies room...

Of a fancy restaurant. Checks her lipstick in the mirror and decides on a touch-up.

There’s no counter space, so she puts her purse in the sink and roots around for her lip gloss. The sink, unfortunately, is motion activated. And there are no paper towels, only hand dryers.

Upon return to the table, husband looks at her dripping purse and says, “Couldn’t hold it?”

Please, Make This About You.

I appreciate that you are under stress. And you have apparently been under stress for the last 5 years, making my life more than miserable. But did it ever occur to you that maybe now that I no longer live under your roof, calling to tell me about your stress when you know damn well there is nothing I can do about it but worry might add to my own stress load? I'm trying to make it in nursing school. I'm trying to make my marriage work and keep it healthy. I'm trying to come up with enough money to cover all the bills at the end of the month. I'm trying to get our new house in order and keep it clean (which is nearly impossible when you have a 21-year-old living with you who can hardly brush his own teeth, let alone wash his own dishes... even WHEN asked directly to do so. But that's another story for another day). And I'm trying to keep this baby in until his appropriated due date. So please, let me manage my own stress. And, though it may be completely unthinkable to you, keep your own shit to yourself. I've been your rock for too long and now it's time for me to be my own rock. That may sound selfish, but I have to do what's best for me, my baby, and my family.

really?

how can you be married to someone for as long as I have and then discover you might not have really known them as well as you thought you did in the beginning?

enough said about that.

Girl walks in to a grocery store....

Spends an hour walking down every aisle to make sure she doesn’t forget anything. She actually scores a BOGO on her favorite moisturizer, finds the Zino water she loves that is usually out of stock, and gets the biggest bag of dog food even though it’s a bitch to get in the cart.

Bartender says, “Where’s your wallet?”

Girl replies, “Fuck.”

I sat down to do my taxes

But instead ended up watching reruns of Sixteen and Pregnant.

I think the IRS will understand.

I used to look forward to lunch time...

The only person in my office even remotely close to my age used to be really nice to me. We had lunch together nearly every day from June to December. For the last 2 months she's been cold and practically unresponsive. I don't even know what the hell I did (if anything!) to make her start treating me like some useless summer temp. I'm sick of eating lunch everyday with my iPhone as my only company!

A rant on a whiny husband

My husband whines nonstop. He complains about everything. Sometimes
I hate his crybaby guts. He acts like he's got the weight of the world
on his shoulders and is too busy to be bothered by his wife or
children. Asking him to spend time with us or help out around the
house has become a tedious chore in and of itself. He has an excuse
for everything. He never acts like a man and takes responsibilty for
his actions. He sticks his tongue out at our small daughter when she
won't give him kisses whenever he asks. And then he whines at her. I
find that manipulative behavior toward a toddler disgusting. When I
say so to him he retreats physically and emotionally to punish me for
not finding his behavior perfect and charming. I'm very close to done
with him.
My dad treated my mom like a queen, and all of their kids were
treated respectfully and lovingly. How was I duped into thinking my
husband was like my dad, when really he's an ass?

Look what brown can't do

Deliver a damn package, that's what.
Hey UPS! It stopped snowing a week ago; just admit you lost my package
so we can all get on with our life.