What the heck, mom?

I told my son that saying 'what the heck' was not acceptable and he said, "why the heck not?"

ambien

Everyone has heard how when you take ambien sometimes you don't remember your shit? Well I took 2 the other night because I REALLY needed to sleep that night and ended up inviting my parents up for thanksgiving. ughhhh.....it almost would have been better if I had facebooked my highschool boyfriend. Rachel Ray, please call me...

We're splitting the tab? REALLY?

So we both have salads. I have a HALF salad and water ($9.85) and she has a full salad and ice tea ($12.95 + $2.25). We eat lunch. She's in dire financial straits because, as she finally confesses, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO WORK. Nevertheless, I'm nothing if not magnanimous and say.... "Let's split the tab." "That works for me. You have cash? I'll just put it all on my credit card." At this point, I whip out half of the tab plus half of what should be a generous tip, because I'm nothing if not magnanimous. At this point, she pockets my money, studies the credit card receipt, and I admit, I can't resist looking to see what she puts in as a tip. I am appalled! Less than 10%! To recap....I paid 70% of the bill and the poor waitress got stiffed too. And did I tell you that she blabbed the entire time about everyone she knew, not asking one question about me or my life? Well, I'm not going to sweat it, because I'm nothing if not magnanimous.

Don't Make Me Defend Kate Moss

She is being criticized for saying that "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."

REALLY?

People are outraged that a high fashion model, whose job requirement is to be undernourished, has a Weight Watchers motto?

Who are we kidding?

I find it a lot more offensive when skinny women say shit like "oh, I never diet" and "I just run after my kids, and that keeps the weight off." What. are their kids marathoners or something?

Yes, models are skinny. Because they don't eat as much as we do. I don't get the outrage.

When I am Cranky

the correct response is not "do you know why?" or "hope you'll feel better soon!"

It's "you are perfect and everyone else is an asshole."

DUH.

Not gonna do it!

Stop looking at me, you 2230 pieces of candy bought to hand out at a parade. Just STOP already! I can't open the bags to let you breathe, no matter how much you beg and plead. Because then? You'll be MINE. Mwahahahaha!! And how would I explain that one to my husband and the ballet? Well, okay. Here's the deal: you come up with the excuse and I'll give you some air.

Russian Prostitutes

Hey, instead of constantly spamming this blog with offers of Russian prostitutes, why not just buy some ad space? Rates are really reasonable and I think you'll soon discover that you found just the market that you were looking for!

so sue me

So I bagged on my luncheon training meeting to stay home and have sex with my under-employed husband. Sue me.

Secrets

When I told The Girl that it needed to be "our secret" that I steal daddy's socks and sleep in them? I never thought about how it would sound when she told her teacher that "My mom keeps secrets from my dad".