Thursday, February 5, 2009

Catman

Today's featured whiner is one of ShallowGal's very best friends, the lovely Ms. Shappalicious. Unfortunately (tragically, even!) Ms. S. does not yet have a blog of her own, but hopefully we'll get her to be a frequent contributor here at SSW.



I am not sure if this is as much a whine as it is a realization that I've finally made it, I'm Living the dream! At the risk of making others envious, I will share an example – quite obviously it has to do with my husband, I won't elaborate on ALL his wonderful qualities, but one specifically comes to mind – the horny (not as in sexual) covering at the tip of his toe (yes, this is taken directly out of my oxford dictionary) – I'm referring to his loooong, jagged, repulsive, I was brought up by wolves toenails. Is it too fucking much to ask to take 5 minutes out of your life and use a clippers??? – apparently it is. Now, I realize he is busy... he is a good provider and is a very involved father of our 4 children. So you ask, why not just let it go? Because I want to vomit every time I look at his feet. And I'm not talking a little long – I'm talking John Holmes long. And it is all year round – AND he wears flip flops everyday in the summer.

Is it not bad enough that I have to clip 50 toenails every few weeks (mine, plus my 4 children)??? I have to clip his as well… and don't think I never clip a little low to draw blood (not vengeful at all). At our last clipping session, I had an epiphany – I suddenly found myself sitting on the floor, nose an inch from the stench of his sweaty curdled feet and there it was - a vision of my mother-in-law sitting on the floor clipping my father in laws fungus ridden toe nails (may he rest in peace) – and I knew this was it! I had arrived – this is what I had been dreaming about all my life…


So as of January 13th when his nails had already bypassed the centimeter marking on the ruler, he was put to the toenail test - I put the clipper (which could be used to cut through metal), on his sink – and you guessed it – they are still there and so are his long fucking toenails. I mean he has time to take a dump every hour so why for the love of the man upstairs, can't Catman stop tormenting me and just take the mini chainsaw off his sink and hack away - because that is precisely it – he derives his pleasure from my misery (as I suppose I do to him). So that brings me to my last point (not as in the point of his toenails that are like daggers that have cut the flesh on my skinny legs in bed when he tries to make a move on me) – I mean "pleasure" – is he really that daft as to think that he is actually irresistible to me, I mean come on, he is first of all my husband (we've been together for 16 years) and he has teeth growing from his feet – what a fucking turn on!

14 comments:

grrl+dog said...

I lsaffed and I laffed. Got here from That weird grrl, and so glad I did.

I used to wish for world peace.
Now I wish for the position of featured whiner.

Marinka said...

This is absolutely hysterical. Please let us know when he finally takes the plunge and clips them.

Ann's Rants said...

Gag. I feel enraged now. Thanks.

Sherry said...

How very funny........... would love for you to have a blog...

HoodChick said...

Wow. When he's sleeping, paint them red. He'll either learn his lesson and start cutting them or he'll keep socks on those nasty things.

Comedy Goddess said...

Bring him to your nearest nail spa. They will get the Shrekiness off him in minutes. He will become a convert. You will Thank Me. And live happily ever after. Your welcome.

underwhere? said...

So, wait...slicing my nail down the inside of her calf does not bring on the wild cat-scratch-fever? That's like telling me that the three days worth of pheromones I've been carefully cultivating in my armpits will make her want to rip my shirt off - and throw it in the laundry. Next thing you'll tell me is that beard burn is about as much fun as a hickey. How's a real man supposed to get lucky any more?

Rachel said...

OMG, I used to whine that my husband was a little too metrosexual. Now I'm starting to appreciate him a bit more. You may have just saved my marriage!

Christy M. said...

Are you married to my husband?

Hi, I'm Christy. said...

Your descriptions made me want to vomit!

Issas Crazy World said...

Spinless Whines....did you know that your post today is dated 2010? Did you jump ahead in time? Can I come too?

Jeanne said...

You have made me truly appreciate my husband, who cannot STAND to have anyone touch his feet.

The Panic Room said...

First!!!

jennygirltherat said...

Fine whine! gross. must post photos, that'll show'im.
My dreamboat won't cut his, but instead TEARS them, and leaves the little shredded piles for me to find, like on the nightstand, or the arm of the couch...