Sunday, February 8, 2009

A Featured Whine. Now With Nipples

I am so excited that Anymommy whined for us! She is famous for writing beautiful, gut-wrenching posts, but I just knew that she had a whine in her. I'm smart like that.

It's a Little Nippy Out

My pregnant nipples are very sensitive and they hate the cold. It feels kind of like a toothache except it's in my nipples. Yeah, I said nipples, it's my whine, I'll say nipples if I want to say nipples. Nipples, nipples, nipples. I have overly large nipples, if you care to know more, if not, you know where the 'close window' button is. Small boobs, extraordinary large nipples that ache painfully in the cold when I'm pregnant. So now I'm pregnant, and we've moved back from the tropics to the USA equivalent of the outer edge of Siberia and hey, presto, what do you know, just like that, annoyingly achy nipples.

When I whine at home, my husband seems to think it's some kind of come on. Like, oh honey, let me rub your aching nipples. No dumbass. The only thing I want touching my nips is a hot pad or a hot shower. Your ass cold hands are not even remotely enticing. Think hot, almond scented oil and we might talk. Consider the protruding part of your anatomy with a very sensitive tip. Now imagine that it ached, like a toothache, in the cold. What's the matter? Not so sexy?

Oh yeah, and gross plumber's crack guy at the supermarket. I am not sexually aroused by the way you fondle cantaloupe. It's just cold in the produce aisle. It makes my nipples hurt. It helps if I press on them.

What?

19 comments:

Maura said...

You know, this doesn't happen often, but I'm at a complete loss for words.

So I'm just going to say, "I feel your pain," and feel vaguely dirty for having done so.

Ruthie said...

I feel your pain ... guess what ... I'm a grandmother, and when my kids babies cry? Guess what? Yep, that's the one. I hurt too. Let down reflex. Sore nipples. I'm not yet 50 but I'm sure that's gonna go on forever.

Christy said...

God wait till after you have the baby...you'd think that goes away, but not always. And then, if you're nursing, it's gets even better because they drip. You'll really get some odd looks then.

blognut said...

I hear ya'. I think there are 5 million nerve endings packed into that small area... and your husband will never understand.

K.Line said...

Eeek. My nipples are hurting in sympathy.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

What is it with men? That sounds so familiar...

I feel your pain. It's like the little suckers are bound to freeze, pop right off and roll down the hallway (getting a visual?).

I've seen miniature heating pads at the checkout at Home Depot that are meant to be slipped inside of your gloves. I don't know how hot they get, but I wonder if you can use them inside your bra somehow (with a good barrier of course, you don't want to fry your nips off accidently.)

Anna See said...

oh my goodness. this is too funny. i can relate to the size thing, too. i remember when i was nursing my youngest and my toddler son said, "why do you have two penises, mommy?" hmmmm.

Nis said...

I am laughing my ass off here! Hilarious, hilarious, hilarious... and why do men always think that if something on us hurts (nipples, neck, whatever) the required remedy is for them to touch/rub it and then get to move on to touch and rub the rest of us? Really? REALLY?! :)

Anonymous said...

Cotton wool sweetie. You can buy it in rolls. Stuff it into your bra and its all good. A marvellous antagonist to the hideous cold...This is Lisa but I can't figure out how to post here ...so I just go anon I guess.. (live in Hawaii...)

Mom24 said...

Hugs. I've never experience that. Maybe, I should have been applying ice cubes back when I was desperately trying to deal with inverted nipples.

Good luck.

Really, really good to have you back.

Janie said...

I could just see the buttcrack guy fondling the cantaloupes.

Yecchhhh.

jennygirltherat said...

I wish I could make it go away for you. OWWWW. Embarrassing confession: I was about 40 before I found out that I was supposed to be self conscious about evident nipples, and that said visibility was widely thought to be evidence of sexual arousal. I must have missed that day in health class. Or I was too busy studying the diagrams so I would be sure not to miss evidence of male sexual arousal.

Jennifer H said...

You need those handwarmers that go inside gloves!

Ouch.

underwhere? said...

Sheesh - I Google "nipples" and I'm back with the mommy whiners. Is nothing sacred?

ShallowGal said...

Underwhere? Can you please e-mail us at secretspineless@aol.com ? We have a question for you. Thanks, Amy

copswife said...

I've only experienced this once and I was a preteen. We'd been swimming for hours and my nipples started to ache. I mean ACHE. This was no sissy pain. I was confused and worried enough to speak to my aunt, the only adult around that I trusted. She was baffled and didn't know what to tell me. Haven't thought about that for a while.

HoodChick said...

I'm just commenting so I can say nipples. Nipples, nipples, nipples.

Wow, I feel better. Sorry your nipples don't.

Tooj said...

A woman after my own heart. I speak about boobs and nipples more than anyone around me cares to hear. Do I care? NO. I have to breastfeed because we'd lose our house to the cost of formula if I didn't.

anymommy said...

So many good suggestions, so much sympathy. My nipples feel comforted. ? Anyway, thanks. Will be trying handwarmers. Not kidding.