Secret Spineless Whine

To my son's 5th grade science teacher:

1) I already completed the 5th grade. Please keep that in mind when you assign complicated projects that are clearly beyond the abilities of any 10 year old.

2) There's a recession going on and I'd rather not spend $25 on fishing wire, plastic fish and gravel for diorama components. I need that money for the marriage counseling we'll need after the stress of this fucking project. Anyway, it's a proven fact that tying string around plastic fish teaches kids less about ecosystems than, I don't know, writing a report about ecosystems.

3) It would be helpful if you would write on my kid's head in sharpie "ASK ME ABOUT MY PROJECT" the day you assign it. I'm not a mind reader and I hate hearing about this crap for the evening before it's due.

Thanks in advance! Oh wait. It's too late for that.