Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Featured Whine: Bern this!

Marinka usually writes these fabulous introductions for our featured whiners but she's someplace with spotty internet. Or so she claims. I don't know, cause I've gotten dozens of demanding e-mails from her. Oh wait. This is Jessica's whine. Enjoy.

Hey Lady sitting next to me in the movie theatre with your boyfriend sitting on the other side of you. I'm sorry for touching you so much at the movie last night but you see, I am alone, lonely, by myself, not getting any, etc, etc and "Defiance" is a very upsetting film and those guns are very loud and those sad parts are very sad and for 14 years I had someone next to me to hold and grab when I needed to and you see, he is no longer around as he is now back to dating his mother and it's not like I did it more than ten times, which in my mind would be a lot IF I had not said I was sorry way over 10 times which I think would balance it out and at least afterwards you didn't have to resort to discussing the movie WITH YOURSELF but rather got to talk about how annoying I was with a man who clearly wanted to touch you way more then he actually did and for which, as a Jew, I would like to thank him for the restraint his displayed by keeping his dick in his parents while the people on the screen tried to live a "normal life' in a forest in the frigid cold while simultaneously being hunted down like animals.

Call me :))


Bern This

12 comments:

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Laughing my ass off! You're hysterical!

momcat said...

'dick in his parents' or 'dick in his pants' - 3rd to last sentence.

MommyTime said...

My favorite part about this one is the awesome Freudian slip about "keeping his dick in his parents"!!! Nice. You crack me up.

Christy said...

That was really funny!! I so have been there - but instead of grabbing the person next to me I inevitably scream when I'm scared. Yeah, it's definitely not fun going to a scary movie with me - the whole audience gets annoyed.

bernthis said...

I can't believe I did that. Yeah, well, maybe I was thinking of my ex still, at that moment. LOL

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Next time just buy her popcorn first and grope away. Remember the rules, extra butter equals extra touches! Or is that just my rule?

Smart A$$ Mom said...

Bwhahahahaha. Jessica never ceases to amaze me with her antics.

Marinka said...

How come you never sit next to me at the movies?

Braja said...

I am still laughing at that same typo, momcat: dick in his parents? LOL...well done Bern old girl :))) love it...

Leigh (Modern Mommy) said...

I would *totally* hold your hand at the theater. I like egging total strangers on, though. Without other people to mock I don't think my husband and I would have anything to say to each other...

Ann's Rants said...

We should've seen this together. I could've sat on her other side and kept checking in with her just to see if we were getting the same meaning out of the film.

Deb said...

Jessica...I totally love you. Let's go to the movies.