Thursday, March 12, 2009

Featured Whine: Dear Breathe-Right Nasal Strips

When I grow up, I want to be Wendi Aarons. Except I think that I'm older than she is. But if I'm born again, I want to be Wendi. Except living in NYC instead of Texas. When I first discovered Wendi's blog, though, I would go back to it every few hours to see if she posted again. Hers was the only blog that I did this with, which was bad news for me because she posts like once a year or something. So please check out her blog They're Not All Gems. Except they are.

Dear Breathe-Right Nasal Strips,

As you may know from your company's research, it's allergy season here in Austin. Cedar, elm, mold--you name it, it's in bloom and it's making me sneeze like a mofo. My eyes are red, my nose is puffy and I can't stop sniffling. Basically, I look like like a worn out cokewhore, except I'm not alarmingly skinny and dating that dude Samatha Ronson.

My nightly fix of Benadryl can only do so much to help me, so I have recently started using your strips to help me breathe while I sleep. I simply peel off the adhesive backing, stick your little two-inch long strip on my nose, then put my head down on my pillow and hope I don't dream about being murdered by Beyonce again. (Different problem. Not of your concern.)

Anyway, the strips seem to do their job of keeping my nasal passages open during the night.Yay! But there seems to be a slight problem when I wake up and try to take the strip OFF of my nose. Apparently, the adhesive you use is SuperFucking glue, because 9 times out of 10, half of the skin on my nose also comes off with the strip. In fact, one time last week I had to use a damn crowbar from my garage to remove it. And while I agree that a little exfoliation is good for the face, violently removing the top 3 layers of skin from the bridge of your nose probably isn't. Personally, I don't enjoy going to PTO meetings looking like I just lost a bar fight in Tijuana. But maybe that's just me. I'm weird that way.

So please, Breathe Right Strips. Lay off a little. Try a milder type of glue. Maybe Elmer's or whatever that paste is that kids like to eat. I just don't want you becoming so attached to me, OK? Because, really, you can be kind of an asshole.


Breathing Free in Austin


*Akilah Sakai* said...

Agreed! Wendi Aarons is the shit! Love her!

This whine is one of the funniest I have read. LOL!

Anonymous said...

That's how I feel about Marinka's blog. It's the first thing I check every morning. Hysterical!

Em said...

At least you never have to use pore clarifying strips on your nose - think of how much beauty money you can divert to other things now!

Last night I dreamt that Chris Brown was sleeping in my bed (fully clothed in a three-piece suit) and then puked all over my apartment. There's something in the fucking air here in TX right now.

Anonymous said...

Love you, Wendi, but why are you in the future? Will Austin air be even worse a year from now?

Rick said...

Very funny - maybe I should use one of those breath right strips to reattach the running boards to my car.

LTYM said...

Thanks for the great comments. And I just noticed that I'm writing in the future, too, since the date on the post is 2010. Does that mean I'm a year older? Crap.

Lynn C Mama to 3 said...

The bright side is that you'll save money on Biore pore strips!

100 Thoughts of Love said...

I was low on the front of each shoulder...right under bra strap...gather an inch or so of skin between the 2 ends...voila!!!...instant breast lift?????

LisaToo said...

RE: the funniest I have read: I respectfully disagree...for the truly FUNNIEST ever, you must read Wendi's Always Maxi Pad letter.

Anonymous said...

huh. i know i'm supposed to be funny instead of practical but ....

those nose strips are a goddamned godsend in austin in the spring. a cotton ball with baby oil (or ahem, that oil that comes with waxing strips. you know the ones.) work wonders. just grease that baby up in the morning, pull it off pain free and then wash your face.

it works. is all.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Dear Wendy - Received this letter anonymously attached to the dumpster in my driveway. I think it might be for you.

Dear WA,

Re: Breathe Right Nasal Strips.

You have three options:
1. Move.
2. Stop breathing.
3. Smear a little vaseline on your nose an hour before applying Breathe Right Nasal Strip.

As a matter of fact, yes, we DO use SuperFucking Glue - (a fine 3M product.)

You see, in the human-testing phase the weaker glues caused the strip to loosen then violently fling itself off the more prominent schnoozes. In one very regretable incident, a lab rat (Dougie23) lost an eye.

Have you ever had Pamela Anderson show up at your house with a bunch of PETA extremeists armed with burning torches and double-barreled sling shots? It ain't pretty, lemme tell ya, missy!

So SuperFucking Glue it is!

While the skin damage to your delicate, abet flaring, nostrils is unfortunate, I'm afraid you are just going to have to start telling people,
"Hell yeah! I was in a bar fight in Tijuana, but damn - you should see the other poor bastard."

Yours etc...
Breathe Right Nasal Strips PR Dept.