Tuesday, March 24, 2009

How to Shine Up Your Husband

Hearing Liz talk about raising teenagers at A Mom on Spin scares the shit out of me. Wait, can I curse here? Oh yeah, it's half my blog and Marinka's someplace with only dial-up internet. Who's going to stop me?

Okay, my friends. I have discovered the secret to making your somewhat-used and tarnished husband look like a proverbial Knight in Shining Armor.

Make an appointment for your teenage daughter to see a therapist!

Just think about it. . . No father worth his salt is ever going to let his daughter walk into a therapist's office and start letting it all fly without a bit of defensive p.r. work on his part.

I suppose I'll have to use my own husband as a case in point by tallying the number of doctors' appointments I have taken just one hypothetical daughter to in her eighteen years on this earth:

Pediatrician ~ 44
Dentist ~ 39
My mouth is too crowded orthodontist - 36
My diggies are dold speech therapist ~ 51
My joints hurt rheumatologist ~ 40
What blackboard? opthamologist ~ 8
Would you look at my face! dermatologist ~ 8
I think I broke my foot trips to the emergency room ~ 3
Yes, you definitely broke your foot trips to the orthopedist ~ 6
And you'll need physical therapy for that physical therapist ~ 18
Now, if I could handle all of these issues by myself, why - suddenly - is that man so helpful?

You know, Liz, I could help you out. I'll take the afternoon off and bring her to her appointment. Someone please tell me: Who is the man who just uttered that phrase? Does he not know that I'm on to him?

He wants to be the one to give her the talking points on the way there . . . Now remember, if she asks you anything about me, tell her I'm a wonderful dad who's just looking out for your best interest. . .

He wants to appear to be Johnny on the Spot - because, Lord knows, some misguided therapist just might accuse him of absenteeism. . .

And he wants to be the one, when called in for a consult after she's finished, to say . . You know, I've been telling her mother for years that we ought to bring her for some therapy. . .

Yes, my dear Hubby, I'm on to you!

But, go ahead and take her if you insist.

Oh, and, just so you know, I've already given her the talking points. . .

Remember, if she asks about your father, tell her it's all his fault!

1 comment:

Marinka said...

This is excellent advice, Liz. But just to be on the safe side, I'm going to keep Husbandrinka very far away from this post.