Thursday, March 26, 2009

No more birthdays!

Today I discovered that I will no longer do birthdays.      (Bear with me on this one, people . . .)


Earlier this week I received countless phone calls from my fellow co-workers wondering what "we" we doing about two other employees' birthdays that happen to fall within this week.  And so I decided that a pizza luncheon today would be good.


So yesterday I tell one co-worker that we would like to have pizza today in honor of her birthday, and she replied, "Oh good!  We can get a Margarita pie!"


I then proceed to inform the other employee who said.  "I won't be there!" 


"Why?  Do you have something else planned?"


"No" he replied.  "It's just that I've been having all of these stomach problems and I just can't eat anything.


"Well, will you sit with us while we eat?  Do you want me to order something else?"


"No, don't worry about me." he said.  "I'll bring a hard boiled egg over and eat it."  And, although I thought we were in agreement, later in the day he mentioned a luncheon engagement. . . "Lunch?" I inquired?


"Oh yes, we've been trying to get together for months and this seemed like the only day that would work. . .so I won't be at the birthday luncheon."


I shrugged my shoulders and walked away. . .


So along comes the big day. . . And I ask the birthday girl this morning what kind of cake she would like.  "Brownies!" she declared, "Homemade brownies!"


"Well" I reply, "We're a little too late for that!" but proceed to run to the nearest store and buy some gourmet brownies.  


Later, after the pizza had been ordered but before it arrived, she asked, "What kind of pizza did you get?"


To which I replied, " I ordered a Margarita and some plains."


"Plain?" she quipped.   "Who likes plain pizza?  Why didn't you get onion? You like onion, don't you????"

"Well the maintenance guys called earlier specifically to say that they wouldn't come unless we had plain pizza.  Besides, you wanted the Margarita.  Didn't you?"


"Well, yeah. . . but. . . "


Well anyway, when the pizza arrived I informed the grumpy-all-week secretary that I was taking the pizzas to the Ministry Center and would she put a note on the door stating the office was closed. . .   "Sure" she winced, "I may not come, but. . . "  And after about ten minutes she showed up stating, "I thought you were in the Community Room.  That's what I wrote on the note!"


When who follows her but the missing birthday boy who turns to me and says, "Liar! Liar!  Pants on fire!"  (Yes, he literally said this . . . .)




 "You put a note on the door saying you were in the Community Room when really you were in the Ministry Center!!!!"  After which, he – and his sensitive stomach – proceed to wolf down three pieces of pizza – with no hard boiled egg in sight!


When the birthday girl turns to me and says, "This Margarita pizza stinks!  Did you ever see such thin crust????"


And then, when the birthday brownies were served, the birthday boy wanted his warmed in the microwave and wondered where the vanilla ice cream was. . .



Do you remember Ralph Cramden????   "To the moon, Alice.  . . .to the moon!!!!!!!"


And would it help if I told you that I work for a church?  And the birthday boy was a priest??????????


You can visit my blog if you want to, but remember, this is SECRET SPINELESS WHINE!!!!


Roshni said...

Please! Do not have any more office birthdays!! Ungrateful wretches!! Priest included!

Marinka said...

That is hysterical! And I can't believe that they let six year olds be priests these days. (loved the "I'll just sit here and eat a hardboiled egg" line. Are you sure, it wasn't a Jewish mother?)

Anonymous said...

Wow, what idiots...sounds like my office. I support your decision to boycott all future celebrations.

Unknown said...

That's fantastic that the priest came in saying Liar Liar, pants on Fire. What happened to forgiveness? I did love your story though. Sounds like something that would happen to me!

Liz Lancs said...

Start NOW and plan exactly how obnoxious you could make the requests for your own birthday lunch!