Friday, April 24, 2009

Dating at 33

is less like Sex in the City and more like Freaks in the 'Burbs.  It is akin to searching for the proverbial needle in the haystack but realizing that it simply doesn't exist so instead one the settles for the nearest possible prick instead of the sharpest.  It is a revolving door of losers and rejects.  Dating is meeting someone attractive and interesting only to find that they are married.  Dating at this age, is getting what is lingering or festering at the bottom of the barrel.  One finds a nice guy, he has the qualifications to get him to date two ie: master's degree, he taught English in South America, he takes me to an amazing restaurant and spent more money than he should have.  Mr. Halfway Decent got in the door because he had hair (and when I say this, I mean, it wasn't purple or receding or really long), he could speak without drooling, spitting, or emitting fumes that could make paint peel, he displayed no symptoms of terrets or narcolepsy, and dressed reasonably well (probably the ex-girlfriend's handywork).  After multiple dates including one (ok, a lot more than one, but let's pretend that I was smart enough to figure this out at date 5 or 6) mind blowing sleepover one starts to realize the Mr. Halfway Decent's sheen is a little less lusterfull and perhaps a little more shit shine.  Mr. Halfway has turned sour like old milk and the realization is, he too is Mr. Halfwit. 


Occasionally Ms. Single Hot-Mama finds a man who is intelligent, funny, likes the same movies, has the same financial expectations and seemingly would be a match.  What could possibly be wrong here, you ask?  Well, I would rather sleep with Sponge Bob Square Pants, or my dad then him.  And believe you me, I am not in to cartoons or incest.  Mr. Almost Perfect is all fizzle, no sizzle.  Damn. 


Eyeballing the Craigslist Killer's fiance it makes me wonder if she is another sap like me.  One that means well and optimistically looks at Mr. Wouldn't Hurt a Fly overlooking the redflags flying in her face.  Well, I for one am no longer going to ignore the freak phone when it's ringing and for all of you that need a little guide... here you are:


1) If you have no friends OR way too many friends but mainly no friends... then you are a serious loser, definitely suspect.

2) If you hate your family or supposedly have no family or have anger issues regarding either the family or lack there of. ...or if you have anger issues period, here's the door.

3) If you live with your parents. Yeah... 'nuff said.

4) If you take more than a few mind altering or mood enhancing prescription medications or illegal substances.  Wait.. perhaps those should be separate.  If you are mentally imbalanced in any way, shape, or form I know you will be attracted to me, but please, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stay the hell away from me.

5) If you have more than one family member in jail or a padded cell, hmmm or if there is more than one that should be, or if you yourself have ever been in either lovely location, don't call me; I'll call you, NOT.

6) If you are unemployed for any reason (sorry).  And NO the damn economy is no excuse.  Yeah, I am a heartless bitch.  Get a job, loser.

7) If you are a super perv (the mild to moderately perverted may still apply).

8) If you cry and no one is dead.

9) If you enjoy long drives with no destination and for whatever reason resist silly things like bathroom breaks and or stops for coffee or food and of course if you neglect to equip your car with some form of navigational system, be it GPS, laptop, On Star, cell, or good old fashioned gas station map then damn it, I am not getting into it with you.

10) If you spend money you do not have, or my money that I do not have, like $50 on grass seed when apparently "helping me with the yard work" (going to the store doesn't count as helping me, shoveling does, just to clarify) while I rake and shovel and bag the crap.

11) If you are radical about anything, and by anything I mean religion, politics, music, computers, I mean anything.  I don't want to hear a 5 hour dissertation on your favorite band or your favorite sport.

12) If you are overly moral or truly unethical.

13) If you have ever swum in shit for any reason (don't ask).

14) If you have poor hygiene.

15) If you you are sad and whiney (shut up, this is therapy and not hypocrisy).

16) If you display any of the traits listed below,

Slovenliness.  If you don't pick up after yourself, go live with your mom and then refer to number 3.

Selfishness.  It's not all about you.  Learn it or leave.

A tendancy to hijack remote controls.  I like Dancing With The Stars.  It's my tv.

Being a leech and sucking time, money, or other commodities I may have.

Being a clinger.  Sometimes, I just have shit to do. Deal with it.  I do not need to be your "something to look forward to" every moment of every day. Refer to number 15.

Unrealistic expectations of phone calls, texts, and emails after the first month; if I have something to say, you will hear it one way or another.

Habitual talking about something no one on the planet gives a shit about. Please see number 11.

Accidentally allowing your belongings to migrate to my place.  I don't use Speed Stick and I am NOT cleaning out a drawer for you.

This one probably falls under the category of selfishness, but if you are unemployed and offer to take my car to the shop for me, get lost on the way because you are high, and then spend a little extra time driving around.  Do not under any circumstances tell me (who works over 40 hours a week, has two children, and a house) that you, "took the whole day off for me."  Seriously?!!  Really?!! Took the day off from what!  Your afternoon nap?  ...and yes... he did... take a nap every afternoon.  LOSER.




Could someone please clone my brain and put it in Matthew McConaughey's body and then send that perfect specimen to me, PLEASE?  I can wait 'til Christmas if I must.


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Anonymous said...

You are a woman after my own heart, if only we were lesbians. :) I could've written this whine practically word for word. I'm 2 years younger, good to know its not getting any better. Why do my prospects keep get bleaker?

I do have one to add: 16. Do not only call me at 1am when you are drunk. I will not be your whore.

Anonymous said...

Haaaa.....i soooo agree with the addition of 16.....this list should be handed out at the start of date one....that way they have a list of what is expected of them....

Anonymous said...

It's no wonder you're 33 at not married. There's no man alive who could live up to your expectations.

reddaisies said...

Oh that comment was so written by someone with testosterone flowing through his ever so sensitive veins. Sure, that's it... it's me. Couldn't possibly be them. I WAS married. And granted I am not perfect, but really the bar isn't set that high. Breathing, check. Job, check. And perhaps you should re-read prior to hitting the send... "33 at not married". Yeah. Brilliant.

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

Wow. This almost makes me glad to be married.

Anonymous said...

I personally don't think that these expectations are unrealistic. Once you have been married...and divorced or even seriously definately have a view on what you DON"T want. Whats wrong with NOT settling? Why must anyone, Woman, or Man, have to settle for whatever seems to float their way? I think having the bar set higher than the average joe at there is smart. I for one will not put myself in the position of a "settlement" ever again. If the credentials aren't please!!!!!

superfungirl said...

Right on sister -- I couldn't agree with you more.

shrink on the couch said...

This needs to be posted in divorce court.

country mouse said...

Seriously--we're not allowed to ask about #13? Because you *know* we all want to ask about #13 : )

Best of luck to you and I agree with the Devil's Daughter-In-Law : )

Carol said...

TOTALLY agree here!! Only 29 here with 3 kids, but freaking sucks!!

Anonymous said...

I'm 31 and single. Never been married. Its a standards issue. I'm starting to think I'm going to end up being the crazy neighbourhood cat lady because of the serious lack of normal men out there. I totally agree with every word you just wrote. But thanks for writing it - its reassuring there are others out there!