Monday, April 6, 2009

Featured Whine: When Your Vagina Misbehaves

Andrea of The Sweet Life is our featured whiner. With a nod to her vagina, of course!

Have you ever noticed that things like yeast infections come around at the most inopportune times? I mean, it's never convenient, but why don't you ever get one, say, the morning you plan on seeing your doctor anyway?

Why is it that they seem to spring up at a time when you don't have control over your own schedule? For example, maybe it will pop up while you're sitting on a jury. Anyone know the proper protocol for dealing with an itchy cooch when you're in an elevated seat in open court for 8 hours a day?

Or, perhaps you discover its arrival when your children are so ill you don't dare take them out, even for a quick run to the drug store. You try to make a solo run when your husband is home, but the kids cling to your legs, insisting that they need you. You sit there, covered in your children's snot and vomit, suffering from crotch rot because you're not about to ask your husband to pick you up some monistat. Make him buy tampons, sure, but vag cream? That's crossing the line.


Not that he doesn't want the nastiness to pass just as quickly as you do. The longer it lingers, the more time he has to spend alone with a bottle of lotion. But imagining him standing in the feminine hygiene aisle, trying to figure out why you asked for the 3 day box when the 1 day would get him some action just that much quicker, makes you determined to keep him out of the process all together.

As time passes, your cooter feels more and more like a festering petri dish. You finally complained enough that your best girlfriend drove across town get your hands on some goo and make a bee line for the bathroom. And damn, you never knew you'd be so happy to have that dreaded stuff in your grubby little hands.


"Forget R-O-L-A-I-D-S," you mumble, pants around your ankles. "I spell relief M-O-N-I-S-T-A-T".

10 comments:

country mouse said...

I work in a pharmacy. One day a gentleman asked me where the monistat was. I walked him over to aisle 5 and showed him. He looked at the note his wife had given him--she had carefully written out the *exact* product she wanted. He hesitated--deciding whether he could get away with the cheaper version. I silently begged him to just follow the instructions so nobody would get hurt . . .

Fiona said...

lol naughty vagina!

Deb said...

Yeast infections suck. Plain and simple.

Carmen said...

I'm sorry. I'm sure this is a great post. But, I couldn't make it past the title.

Eeesh.

Kathy B! said...

This is absolutely hilarious!

And feel better soon :)

Kari said...

Oh good Lord, that is priceless!

Ann's Rants said...

What we have to put up with...

Tales of the endless tether said...

After having BIFF bring me the wrong one, I normally keep a pack of cream and a Diflucan tablet in the medicine cupboard. (And when I used to sleep with him, it'd be a tablet for him too, so that we didn't reinfect each other)

I feel your pain! Hope it went away really quickly!

Maura said...

I am knocking on wood with gratitude because I've never had one but I have been told how awful they are. I'd consider keeping a tube in the cabinet AT ALL TIMES if there was a chance I couldn't get out to get one.

And frankly? Yeah, I'd make the husband go buy it because he has a vested interest in keeping you, and your vagina, happy!

Katherine said...

Hahahaha Hilarious!