Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I hate that you ran away, far away, when I was little and my sister was just a baby. You only ever visited us when you happened to be visiting your parents and because your mother made you, you left a scar that not even the world’s best stepdad could heal. No matter how much I try to focus on what I do have and the positive things in my life like my health, etc some mornings I wake up filled with hatred for you. I used to think you were cool but now that I’ve gotten older I am starting to realize that most of the bad decisions I have made in my life relate to men and my own insecurity, and only after getting older have I had time to reflect on the fact that I believe your absence is the cause of the poor choices I and my sister have made in our lives. We were never good enough for you to care about us, to be there for us. We didn’t matter – we were only a responsibility, an inconvenience. You were off playing a world away without a care in the world. We both chose people – over and over again - who were full of problems and abused us. We knew we were better than those people and didn’t really need them and if the bad men we chose left us (because all men leave don’t they) well then, it would be okay because they didn’t deserve us anyway. On the other hand we both felt incomplete without a man, so we’d grab all the derelicts that came our way, just so we wouldn’t be alone. If they did leave who cares because they didn’t deserve us, but maybe just maybe they’d stay because they needed us. So as Loretta in Moonstruck said “I’ll come to your funeral in a red dress”. Or maybe I won’t come at all.


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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I hope that my daughter doesn't end up writing something similar to this when she grows up. :( Sorry that your dad was never around. Sometimes I wish I had made better choices when I was younger so that my kids didn't have to deal with their dad being gone.