Tuesday, April 21, 2009

If it's not the DOGS, it's the MOWER..

Dear Damn Neighbour with the Dogs and Cats and Menagerie

I know that spring is springing. I KNOW. And HOW do I know? Because you have your sodding ride-on MOWER out. Twice a day. Oh, and conveniently at NAPTIME and BEDTIME. Yep, as soon as those little heads hit the pillows, there you are, revving up like Lewis-bloody-Hamilton on the Formula 1 grid.  And yes, your dogs start to BARK as they hate the mower nearly as much as I do. Have you not noticed? There is still SNOW in the corners of your yard? THERE IS NO GRASS YET.

However, I can tell it is spring, because you are using the mower, rather than signalling the arrival of autumn with the leaf blower, or winter with the snow blower. 

None of these pieces of machinery need to be exercised twice a day. Unlike your wretched dogs, which never leave the yard. Unless you count the flying dog-shit as it whizzes over your fence towards mine.

I have, as an aside, realised that your wife is running her own business, providing Olde English Teas in other people's houses, complete with cucumber sandwiches and homemade cakes. OMG, made in YOUR HOUSE with all those animals and their excrement.  Apart from the fact that you are both as English as Aunt Jemima's pancakes, do you not realise you could kill someone?  Mmmm, delicious, potted meat sandwiches with ferret-piss relish?

But I digress. I will turn my vinegar-filled water gun in your direction if you do not desist from the incessant MOWING!

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