Saturday, May 30, 2009
Only, you know what? She wasn’t in trouble. I believed her when she said it just slipped out. I know I’m gullible but it’s not like it’s a felony. I’m kind of from the “the more of a big deal we make of this, the more of a big deal it becomes to say that word ALL THE TIME” school of thought.
Still, did it have to be in front of them?
My husband has claimed that a man's maturity peaks around age 6 and then plateaus.
WHY? I don't get it, but here is proof...
My boys were in the bath the other night and my 5 year old wouldn't stop playing with himself.
Yep, he wouldn't stop playing with himself.
I mentioned that he should stop. Yet he continued.
I played the girl card by saying, "Mommy is a girl and doesn't want to see that..."
Yet he continued.
I finally said firmly, "REALLY, PLEASE STOP!"
Yet he continued.
He then looked up at me and said simply, "Mom. It is my remote control."
Of course the three of them didn't look very profound running up and down the upstairs hallway making driving noises while clutching their joysticks a few minutes later.
Holly normally whines about her adventures raising three boys on June Cleaver Nirvana. She has decided not to write about super embarrassing things about her boys on her blog where family, friends and teachers might read it. Of course, she didn't say she wouldn't write about them elsewhere...
Friday, May 29, 2009
and that a tax warrant will be issued unless I pay it. It's only a few hundred dollars, but this is the first that I'm hearing about it, so I call the number on the letter that says "please call if you have any questions." And the person who answers the phone doesn't speak English. I don't mean "doesn't speak English well" or "has an accent" or slurs. This is what he says "penalty pay. To no pay, file form."
So I say "What penalty for?"
And he says, "Penalty pay. To no pay, file form."
This goes on for a while until I have a complete nervous breakdown.
Bring on the warrant.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
If you went to Harvard and someone asks you where you went to school, it's ok to say, "Harvard." You don't have to say "Harvard?" Like there is a chance that the person asking hasn't heard of it. She's heard of it. We've all heard of it.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
i really can't handle this queasy-all-day feeling.
the thought of eating lunch in the teacher's lounge makes me cringe. the thought of eating dinner makes me gag. the thought of making another peanut butter and jelly makes me want to run to the nearest restroom. my husband's smacking of his lips while eating his french toast almost threw me over the edge completely.
and to be totally and completely starving on top of all of that queasy! but only for things i normally HATE. cake (with frosting). beef roast. salami sandwiches. hot dogs. brownies (with sprinkles). argh.
and can i please stop being a bitch and stop having overly vivid dreams now?
why is it that potentially pregnant symptoms show up before you can ever really take a test to see if that's really the case?
and ... i'm not sure that i'm ready for another one. we didn't plan this.
but i guess we didn't NOT plan this either.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
|I have super-sensitive skin. Eucerin stopped making or changed the formula in the moisturizer I'd used for years. It gave me a rash. Now, in my mid 30s I'm in desperate need of a moisturizer. (A completely separate whine in and of itself.) So far, everything makes me rashy! Or break out. So now I'm going to South Beach, home of the beautiful people, for our first husband/wife only vacation in seven years with a broken out, rashy face. Hate my skin. Taking suggestions if anyone knows of something that will work.|
Friday, May 22, 2009
When enforcing a "new" office policy...ALL employees should be held accountable. Your "faves" shouldn't get to choose which ones they feel apply to them. I am tired of being told that time CAN NOT be made up by coming in early or staying late, and then watching one of your little pets leaving at 4pm 3 out 5 days a week while he "makes up" the time by coming in at 7am. I request the use of PT time on Friday morning....to use 3 hours Friday afternoon and you give me a hard time with not enough notice!! It is a holiday weekend.....ALL the clients we deal with are on holiday...and 90% of the office is as well. There is no work coming in today......would you rather me sit at my desk surfing the web on company time??? I would think you would rather me take some PT . So thanks.........thanks for approving my request with your backed handed way of making it seem like I am doing something grossly insubordinate.............you are a great boss......
"Abuser" of PT
Thursday, May 21, 2009
"there is nothing I can do to help you" that is your f#$#@$#@ job!!!! I
did submit my time card you dumb b!! Don't accuse me of lying -- I
approve timecards all day long - why would I forgot to pay myself. If
you said one more time "you did not submit a time card" I will come
through this phone a rip your head off. I know there was a problem with
the computer system -- you forgot to mention that -- hmmm - and why
would I lie -- I the 3 years I have worked here I have never once
forgotten to submit my timesheet - and your bad attitude was not
appreciated -- I hope you rot in payroll hell.
What I hear: "You have big ugly man veins."
What you mean: "I'm too chicken-shit to give blood so I'm using this excuse I once heard someone use in college."
What you should say instead: "I can't give blood, I have syphilis."
And stop eying my Oreos, you syphilis-riden whore. I worked hard for these.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
When I stop in to buy 2 bottles of wine and a bag of dark chocolate pretzels, the appropriate response is NOT "Oh it must be that time of the month again."
Because it is and I will CUT you bitch. (1)
See you in 28 days!
1) And I would, assuming I had any idea at all what that meant.
|After a decade of homeschooling, I am sending my kids to school in the fall. Thankful to have the responsibility of messing up their education (or not) off my hands. But feeling guilty that I'm so burned out we're not finishing this year's work. Mommy guilt sucks.|
|Just to prove Murphy's Law, our toddler woke up this morning with fever. On the day my husband is leaving to be out of town for three days. Now I'm questioning the ability of our babysitters to care for said feverish, clingy toddler while I work my four hour shifts every afternoon. Damn virus has FANTASTIC timing.|
clean or even tidy your figgin house before I come over. Your house is
a shit hole and I didn't want to dare go into the bathroom it was so
disgusting. Please help me out here.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
|Dear Diminutive Asshole|
You don't work here. Why are you here? You are the rudest little prick I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Just because you are the bosses son does not give you the right to come up here and act like king shit of turn mountain (though I'm sure that's a competition you would win) This is an office. I do not care how much you cheated on your last test (though I am fully intending to call the school and tell them about it) I do not give a crap about what kind of gun you are planning to buy and carry around with you at all times. I realize that you have a lot to compensate for, and that carrying a gun might make you feel like a big man but your going to have to trust me on this. There is no amount of armory or ammunition that is going to turn you into a decent human being or a man. You are an immature child and nothing better than a filthy little toe rag. I really wish you would just leave. And for the love of god, wash you hair and get it cut! You look like you live under a bridge. I really wish you could hear what we all say about you when you leave you little asshat. Literally no one likes you. Actually we all think your are a prick.
Also, might I just add that I am completely thrilled that you have stopped speaking to me. I must have really hurt your feelings last week when I refused to change MY radio station on MY computer to your shitty music while you were up here NOT working. Apparenly noone has ever told you "No" before or spoken to you in a manner which you deserve (yes, I was quite rude) but if your reaction is to stop talking to the people who do, I will have to spread the word. I must tell you though, that coming into a room and saying hi to everyone but me and then giving me the stink eye lacks subtlety. What good is being a little asshole if your not even going to do it well? Leave my office now you 18 year old shithead. You have no business being here. Get out before I use your skinny ass as a javelin and toss you out the 5th story window.
When I ask when my car will be ready and you say "maybe tomorrow?" That doesn't inspire confidence.
PS: it's going to be hard to shlep 3 kids around on the back of my bike, so sooner would be better.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I get that graduations are busy. But you're not a High School-er. You are graduating college. And you're not even done with school since you're going on to graduate school. I'm sorry I couldn't go to your ceremony since I was visiting my dying grandmother instead. That still doesn't give you an excuse to ignore your family to whom you sent an invitation and from whom you received a card with two (TWO!) gift cards in it. We called you 3 times, and left 2 texts. I can understand if your battery is low for 1 day, but it's been 3 days and no return texts or calls. No 'Thanks You'. Nothing. Remind me not to send you anything or bother to go to your next graduation. Bitch.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
And then I lost 800 games of Wii baseball to my son, but only because I thought that I was pitching, but I was really at bat. Like, am I just supposed to know that I'm batting just because my Mii is standing there with a bat?!
Friday, May 15, 2009
crappy stereo system threatens to rattle apart the piece of shit car
that it is in all the while rattling our windows. Turn it off or at
least get a good sounding system Jackass
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Now pretend I did the same thing. We're going to call that air my personal space. Do you see the difference? It's there if you look really hard. I'll give you a hint: One is YOURS and one is MINE. Hows about you stay in YOURS and I'll stay in MINE. See how nicely we can co-exist?
You know what? You got that so quickly I think we might even try something I like to call advanced personal space. Pretend you need something that is in my personal space. Can you think of some words that you might use? No, not grunting. Maybe excuse me? See how I just stop and let you go? And it barely hurt, right?
That's probably enough for today. Sleep on that and we can try some more lessons in basic human behavior tomorrow.
Not so much, any more. Am I growing up? Am I seeing what was always there but was obscured by rose-colored glasses? Or has he changed for the worse? Or have I? Why do his opinions now seem like ranting? Why does every conversation seem like a stage for his monologue? I used to relish intense debates, a staple of our family interactions, but now I avoid them because I feel abused. He seems like such a hypocrite, and it's hard to respect him. And that breaks my heart.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
My wife won’t set up the voice mail on her new iPhone. Waaaah.
Young Idiot: Ms. TeacherMommy? There's a typo here.TeacherMommy (gasping with dismay):Where? Where, for the love of God!?!?!Young Idiot (pointing to the top of the quiz): Right here.TeacherMommy (puzzled): Where? I don't see anything.Young Idiot: Right there! That word!He points to the second word in the title. As in "Ado."Young Idiot: It's supposed to be "Much TO DO About Nothing!"TeacherMommy: *bangs head against dry erase board, speechless*
You know what they say about there being no stupid questions?
Yeah. They're wrong.
And he is saying "there's a pressure on women to look youthful" blah blah blah.
Let me simplify this for you: They're out of their fucking minds.
Monday, May 11, 2009
When our single friend told us she was unexpectedly pregnant, why did she feel the need to talk to you so much about it? And get your opinion as to what she should do? I’ve been ignoring these thoughts for over a year. Perhaps I should ask you the question now. Or perhaps not.
FYI - My pre-existing condition is Asthma. God forbid I had something worse, I'd have never found insurance. And people wonder why so many people go insured.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
As far as I can tell, it's some kind of a scam by Madison Avenue to lull women into thinking that they want breakfast in bed instead of say, being able to sleep in and be left alone. What else could possibly explain this nationwide obsession with breakfast in bed? Let's break this down.
The idea is that after a year of slaving in the kitchen, preparing breakfast feasts for your family (aka opening a cereal box), they make it up to you by serving the mom breakfast. First of all, doesn't the one meal a year sort of just rub it in that the rest of year you're on breakfast duty? Why are they off the hook after one attempt? Is it like some sort of Yom Kippur of breakfast attonement?
Any what's with the bed? Are we Roman emperors now? Am I the only one who immediately sees all the crumbs that I will have to deal with until the moment that I give up and have to wash the sheets? Are we supposed to time Mother's Day with laundry day? Because that really eats into my luxury appreciation. And don't get me started on the state of the kitchen after the breakfast is prepared. If just imaging that is not enough to get a piece of toast stuck in your throat, I congratulate you on your mighty esophagus.
My favorite is when they bring the newspaper to me in bed. "Here! Enjoy!" Two wars, a recession and swine flu? Really, you spoil me!
Here's to all the moms on SSW--I hope that your day is lovely and that your family is kind to you. And next year, let's aim for cocktails in bed!
You put all of us through hell tonight, thinking you were dead because of your status on Myspace: "John was pronounced dead tonight at regional hospital at 10pm. Blame the drunk driver."
WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?! The fact that no one could get ahold of you or your parents made matters even worse. I cannot believe you'd stoop THAT low just to gain attention. Well, it worked, you dipshit. Do you know how scared and worried we were after waiting THREE hours for a real answer to see if it was real or a joke? We called the hospital, the deputy, EVERYTHING. . .
And DO NOT say you're sorry and how you shouldn't be getting yelled at by all of us. You know damn well why.
You have lost all respect from me and pretty much the rest of the group after your incredibly stupid move tonight!
THINK before you do!
I'm normally not this angry, so be sure to check me out.
Friday, May 8, 2009
|" < These two little lines are called a "quotation mark." They are many appropriate times to use the quotation mark. Say, when you are quoting something someone said. However, quotation marks are NOT to be used for emphasis. For instance the head line "Woman Shot "Dead" in Own Home" does not make sense (except of course where I used them to quote the title. See how that works? Daily Mail, this one is for you). This leaves the reader wondering if the victim is really dead or not. It it a joke? Are you being facetious? If so it is in very poor taste. What you meant to say was "Woman Shot Dead in Own Home" See how the letters are all slanted? That is called italics and it is a perfectly acceptable way to put emphasis on a certain word. Please for the love of GOD, stop using quotation marks for emphasis! I'm not just talking to the news media now (though they should know better than anyone) All adults should know this. I seem to recall one day in the 2nd grade when they taught us what quotation marks were for. |
This is elementary stuff people. I cannot tell you how many forms cross my desk each week from people who do not know how to use simple punctuation or even worse, simple grammer. This is a BUSINESS and I really would like it if some commen sense were employed at some point. You are an adult and a professional. It makes you look very stupid when you submitt a form that says "Johnny were "NOT" sitting in his seat" Please people, I'm begging you. I'm not asking for perfection. I certainly do not get it right all the time. I have probably even made a few errors in this whine. But is a little subject verb agreement too much to ask?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
You're annoying, you talk too much, and your notes suck. Quit cracking jokes and laughing at yourself when you realize no one else is laughing. And don't assume we don't "get it" when we don't laugh, because we do, we just think you're a dumbass and you like the sound of your own vomit-inducing voice.
Yet, I work hard in your class. I study, I mean, I really study in that class because it is required for graduation which is in TWO weeks, mind you. When the student-teacher intern was in charge of us for three months, we were all passing. But now that he's gone and you're back, our grades are going to shit before our last week of school because you don't know what you're doing.
You've slammed us with two useless, yet huge projects due within the same week this week, which is fucking stupid of you because you know we have 6 other classes. Right now, I'm RE-DOING the second project because you LOST it. When I asked you about it and why it wasn't in the return tray like all of our graded work is, you blamed it on a student possibly stealing it. Yeah, I'm having a hard time believing that as I glance over at your mess of a desk.
So why should I do the project the way YOU want it to look like? Hmmm? Like that extra piece of blank paper you want us to add to the end of our project, for instance, to give it a "finished" look is just stupid. A complete waste of paper. I think I should say something on it. . . . or wipe my ass with it.
But, please, do us and the future generations a huge favor and retire, you annoying, senile, picky bitch.
Yes it is true that our office is directly across the street from the Catholic Church. And yes it is true that every hour, on the hour the bells ring. Why must you hum to the bells and then say aloud “DONG, DONG, DONG, DONG” each time the bell sounds for another hour. UGH! Stop it already; the bells are enough distraction, I don’t need to hear you “DONG” too!
Why is it that computers never seem to work especially when you need them to the most!!! I am at work right now, and I have deadlines! However I can't get anything done because my computer DOESN'T WORK RIGHT! It is constantly freezing up and programs are shutting down on there own… It is like it has a mind of its own like it is possessed or something!
Then when I call IT to have them help me figure out what the issue is NONE of them answer. What is the point of having people in the IT dept, when they NEVER do anything when it needs to be done? I work at a bank this should not be an issue! UGH… I HATE COMPUTERS!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
How did a 6-12 hour a week part time job turn into 30+ a week with the possibility of heading into management in the future? I love being a stay-at-home mommy. I enjoyed homeschooling my kids. But now, I'm getting sucked in. And missing my kids ballet classes. And enrolling them in school for the fall for the FIRST time. And trying to figure out part-time day care for my 2 year old. I enjoy working a little but I hate so much of this! Is it worth it? Especially considering it's radio -- minimum wage and they're jerking me and my family around with the hours and constant state of flux. Yes, a 35-year-old college grad making MINIMUM WAGE.
Apparently, it isn’t enough that I shave once a month (for the benefit of the massage therapist – the boyfriend has been around so long he doesn’t rate that consideration). The weather is making it necessary to wear shorts so now I’ll have to shave every day. Ugh!! I wish I had listened to my mom and never started shaving.
Why do you have to rain on my parade? I was excited to start a new weight loss routine and you go and say things like, “Oooh, that’s a hard DVD to follow” and “are you sure you can do it?” Yeah, you’re being discouraging and you’re pissing me off. I’m not naturally thin like you, but at least I’m trying to do something about it. How about you just tell me, “you’re a FAT ASS and no matter how many DVD’s you buy, you’ll never look as good as me.”
But every time I email someone who doesn't have Gmail, I get this little notice "Invite this person to Gmail." Seriously, what kind of a loser do I look like that I now have to invite people to Gmail? And what would this invitation look like?
Can't I just send and receive email on Gmail without being guilt-tripped by Gmail every single time I communicate with a non-Gmailer?!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
It was bad enough you did it once before. Didn't you get the message when I flipped my fucking lid last time? Stop using my fucking bath towel (because you you forgot you put yours in the laundry and you're too fucking lazy to get another one for yourself)! And if you HAVE to....throw it in the laundry! When I see my towel exactly where I left it, I do NOT expect to wrap myself in a WET towel after my shower. And seriously, I don't care if you are supposed to be coming out clean...anything that's been remotely near your anus is NOT clean!!! I hate you!!!
Monday, May 4, 2009
For the love of God, who in the hell is this Jane Velez-Mitchell on
CNN's Headline News? Where did she come from, and how in the world
did she get a job?
And most importantly, what's with the Florence Henderson Brady-Bunch
Oh my god, I have PTSD just from watching five minutes!
Anonymous (and evidently very cheap) boss.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
And person behind me - if I can feel your breath on my neck, you're standing too close.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Could you possibly be more annoying? You never wipe your mouth while you eat, because you’re too busy interrupting other people’s conversations. You are not 7! You are 41! (This is college, for those of you wondering.) You were not invited into the very personal conversation I was having with another classmate so take your under-medicated, overweight, under-washed self somewhere else. None of us like you. None of us want to like you. We’ve put up with you for two years and only have one more semester. I hope that we make it. Please, learn to keep your mouth shut, especially when eating. Actually, just keep your mouth shut all the time. We don’t care about your “asthmatic” son that works for a lawn service company or your “health nut” husband that is going in for bypass surgery next week. We simply don’t care anymore about you. If you make it through respiratory therapy school, good for you, but if I ever see you near any of my family members, I’m calling the cops.
You know that my boyfriend has a serious, almost debilitating disease that the doctor is going out of his way to figure out, to the point of looking over the files over the weekend during his personal time. So, it's not like I'm calling as some stranger to request oddball illegal shit.
I called to ask you very politely to fax over the latest blood tests so that the new doctor from a VERY prestigious school can help figure out what the F has my boyfriend in the hospital once a month for the last YEAR AND A HALF so that it's one less test we have to pay for and have performed later and I get attitude. Not only do you say that you need the doctors consent (to have it sent straight the fuck over to the other doctor's office), but you also inform me that he won't be in until 9:30 AM on MONDAY and our appointment is at 8:00 AM on MONDAY.
You allow me (the girlfriend, not wife, sibling, etc, you get the point) to pick up papers with all kinds of information about my boyfriend to bring home, violating HIPPA all over the place, but you won't send it from one doctor's office to another?????
I've contacted over 5 hospitals to have records sent over and NONE OF THEM had to get the doctor's approval before sending it over.
YANK THE FUCKING TAMPON OUT ALREADY AND BE HELPFUL, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!,
Your very grateful to the doctor patient.
PS I won't even complain about the fact that you've got a sour attitude EVERY TIME we are there even though we are more than polite.
Not that I’ve ever been fond of that stupid tiny state. I mean seriously you can walk across it in a day- but now? Those Fuckers are jerking me around. I’ve been trying to get a supposedly “simple” document- a copy of my elder daughter’s birth certificate. I’ve sent them paperwork FIVE fuckin’ times now. There’s ALWAYS something wrong. Seriously can’t you tell me EVERYTHING that’s wrong with what I’m sending you and not one fuckin’ thing at a time. We’re only trying to get our passports done before August and I’ve only been dealing with them since FUCKING JULY LAST YEAR. No rush. Dick heads.
I know that sounds like a shocking idea. But remember back in the day? Back before we had cell phones? Back when we had to write letters to each other in order to communicate? Then came phones with looooooongggg cords attached to walls. Handy for walking around the kitchen and doing dishes while chatting. Then came the intense novelty of answering machines. Actual machines. That you plugged into the wall. And then we finally got all high tech with digital voice mail and cell phones and 8 frajillion other ways to stay connected at all times. But here's the cuckoo nutty thing: if I don't answer my cell when you call, and I don't call you back when you leave a message, and that happens for five or six days, don't you think PERHAPS, just perhaps, the problem might be that I've lost the damn thing? Or that the battery is dead and the charger is broken? Or that there is actually a reason I CAN'T get your message? And that if you really wanted to talk to me, instead of leaving a dozen increasingly frustrated messages on my cell, you might try calling my actual home phone number ONCE and *gasp* leaving a message there too?
Because, honestly, there are weeks when I have too much to do to remember to charge the stupid cell phone battery.
But my home phone? It always works.
And I will call you back.
This is obviously confusing to some people, so this is both a whine AND a public service announcement.
don't agree with Casual Friday. What more causal do you need that
"Business Casual"? And BTW, it is called Casual Friday, not I am going
to Clean out the Garage Friday. For the Love of GOD -- How in the world
did you think, when you woke up this morning, that sneakers, wrinkly
jeans and a wrinkled, untucked shirt was OK to wear to work?????? WE
work at a Fortune 5 company not 7/11 - Sweet Jesus!! I will totally call
you out on it -- who am I -- some one who CARES!!! Really -- would it
kill you to wear a belt!!! You are 35!!! We do not work at some hip
company like eBay or Yahoo -- and if I have to see you tramp stamp when
you bend over -- you shirt is too short!!!! Thank you and have a great,
shirt tucked in, day.
|Why does my auto complete address book not work today? Why? It's upsetting to me. B/c you know, it takes a lot of effort to click on "insert address" and then scroll through a bunch of names and select the ones I want. It's wasting valuable time that could be spent reading blogs and playing solitaire on my computer. |
My back hurts. I feel guilty for taking the “good” meds to stop the pain ‘cause they make me feel loopy and incapable of cleaning. The regular Tylenol isn’t strong enough, and so I’m in too much pain to do much. If The family gets home today and complains about not having a clean house? They’re gonna have to clean it, ‘cause today- I HURT bad enough to think about taking more than one of those fun little loopy pills. With rum.