Monday, June 29, 2009

Sometimes being nice is the wrong thing to be...

I decided to help a family out and watch their daughter 2-3 days a week for them while they work this summer (for no pay).  In fact, it's costing me money b/c I have to feed her throughout the day!  Their daughter is the same age as my daughter (7) and they are great friends.  Well, today they have been butting heads and my daughter is upset and just wants her space.  It got so bad at one point that my daughter was crying.  I feel like having this girl over so often is becoming too much for my daughter and now I feel bad that I ever offered. 

How do I get out of this one?  Ugh.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

If it didn't work last week....

My downstairs neighbor is holding his garage sale again. Last Saturday he took over the whole yard and driveway, advertised with a 10" sign on the street corner and sold nothing. He decided to rehold it on Sunday by adding Sundays date to his sign, sold nothing. Now he's at it again. Fortunately he's moving out tomorrow and any further sales will be held at his new home unless he decides to hold off on the move to try one more time.....

Good Grief, if it didn't sell last week just drop it off at the Sally Ann

Friday, June 26, 2009

I am sleepy

but that would involve getting up to go to bed.

I don't understand why I couldn't have been born royal. You know, so someone could carry me. Possibly wearing a back brace.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Apparently when I tell my kids they can either read or clean their rooms, I am silently giving them the third choice of playing Super Mario Brothers.

I need an interpreter and maybe Super Nanny. Hell, any nanny.

Not even idling trucks are this loud

...and we're only talking about a fish tank filter here. Seriously. We have one tank that is quieter than a whisper. Of course that tank is in the room where I don't work. The tank where I work sounds like a jet engine revving up. Apparently, and I didn't find this out until it was too late to return this filtration system, the monster-chewing-up-trees sound is the biggest complaint about this otherwise sturdy and excellent filter. Superb. I can hardly hear myself think while sitting next to this "peaceful" room decoration. If the darn things weren't so incredibly expensive, I'd burn this one in a vivid ceremony of Good Riddance and buy a different kind. Alas, all I can do is grumble.

And even that doesn't drown out the sound.

My daughter is concerned that our cat's butt looks red. I don't see it, but I did spend a good part of this morning looking at the cat's butt. I hope it's not an indication of how my day's going to go.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

When I tell my kids they can't play scrabble, I don't mean that they don't know how. I mean I don't feel like listening to the endless bickering that will accompany said game. Also I'm still pissed that they lost the Q.

Friday, June 19, 2009

It's war... again

Seriously I shouldn't have to spend my morning vacuuming up the ants crawling up my wall, over my shag carpet and inside my shoes. At least their using the front door instead of the back door by the kitchen though,I must say, that's very thoughtful of them

It's so humid...

that the freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies from this afternoon are already chewy in that not-desirable way. If they were more than four hours old, I might call them stale, but that seems like a strange word to use for practically brand new cookies.

On the other hand, the fact that I'm still eating them despite the Nestle cookie dough recall due to E Coli contamination suggests that perhaps a dim bulb like me deserves stale cookies.

In my defense, I didn't know about the recall till I'd already baked them and eaten three. Having eaten three, why bother stopping?

Stale, E Coli laden cookies anyone? Yumm...

I am on the couch

I am on the couch and the Oprah Magazine that I want to read is in the kitchen.

Plus now I have to go to the bathroom.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Retirement Planning

Today I interviewed a local financial adviser for a magazine story on retirement planning, and now I believe my husband and I should call our own retirement planning "Facing the Future with Frivolity, or The Benefits of Living in a Two- versus Three-Seater Car." Yikes.

Cathy Wood
Read my column at
Visit my blog at

Stinking house whine

My kids decided to have those ramen noodle soup cups for breakfast. And six-year-old son decided to make one to share with two-year-old son. He put it in the microwave for 2 1/2 minutes just like mommy told him. And then the stench began to waft through the house. Big brother opened the microwave door and the acrid smoke poured out. He didn't know he was supposed to put water in it. So now we're trying to get burned noodle/foam smell out of the microwave, the house, our clothes and our hair. Yummy smell.


I am taking the kids to the zoo today.

So watch this space for future whines.

And send good vibes.

Good tigers-not-escaping-from-their-habitat-vibes.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Yo! NBC! Get me a lineup!

I find it terribly inconsiderate of the various t.v. channels that they don't show better stuff during the day on weekdays.  Don't they realize that those of us who are prostrate on the couch hacking out our lungs and denuding forests for the sake of Kleenex need entertainment too?  Katie Segal needs to do a voice-over on a few new episodes of Funniest Wedding Outtakes, because I'm pretty sure there have been some good ones since 1985.  And I'm not sure Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams counts as much of anything.  Certainly not GOOD entertainment, I can tell you that.
(How do they get people like Antonio Banderas and those other A-list actors to be on such movies?  Did you know George Clooney is in Spy Kids 3????)
I'm stuck with it tomorrow, too.  If I'm really lucky, maybe they'll be playing a marathon of Full House.
Someone put me out of my misery...
You know what's funny? When you spend the afternoon cleaning out the kids art studio (formerly known as "the dining room") and the entire time they stand there whining "I'm bored."

Because I'm the one planning on spending my summer perler-beading.


When your daughter is diagnosed as having Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease (or, illness, whatever), must you continue to bring her to daycare to infect all the other children, seriously? I believe your Mother of the Year award is hanging by a thread at this point, and the fact that you’re offended because I won’t take my children to daycare while your child is there, just goes to show that you’re an inconsiderate moron. Thanks for allowing me to take some sick time off work this week to stay home with my children in an attempt to avoid the Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease. Daytime television, anyone??

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Idiot ex wife

So, my 18 year-old step-daughter, who is on our insurance, had a bladder infection this weekend.  Instead of attempting to treat her symptoms with some home remedies or OTC products to get her through to the point where she could go to the dr's on Monday or even take her to the Urgent Care, idiot bio-mom decided to take her to the ER.  Okay, fine.  But can you at LEAST take her to the ER that is on our insurance since they're both about 2.3 miles from your house?   Oh, you can't?  Because you're an idiot who loves a good drama?  Okay, fine.  Well, guess what?  She's 18 and out of high school.  WE no longer have to pay every single fucking bill that you run up for that child!  Suck that bitch! 

Hack, Cough, Snork

In one of those fundamentally Unfair twists of fate, I am coming down with a Summer Cold. Such a nasty paradox, that name.

It has been lurking on the edges of my awareness for a few days, as I fervently prayed it would turn out to be naught but a nasty allergic reaction to the many, many floaties the cottonwood trees have been sailing about, but alas...

So I've been sitting in my pjs since the unearthly hour of eight pee-em, sniffling into a stray Kleenex or two from the two dozen or so that the kidlets strewed (have strewn? strew? I should know this) about the Skyhouse this morning during their now daily Let's Drive Mama Insane morning antics. Little did I realize that they were simply preparing my immediate area for Snot Emergencies. Next thing you know I'll discover that those cereal crumbs and juice-soaked sheets come in handy for a midnight snack.
You may now continue your merry, healthy lives. Perhaps you could send a pity-full thought my way now and again.


Child Safety

The kids were running away with sticks and I said "stop running with sticks" and my husband said "Why? Has anyone ever got hurt running around with a stick?"
What the?


OK I just can't handle the gladiator sandals this year. I am not sure what I would wear that would make them look cute on my fat ankles. They say they are going to be around thru fall......erggg.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Does Anyone Fall For Spam?

I mean, some moron must, because why else would they be so persistent?

Should I Bring This Up In Couple's Therapy?

In a moment of weakness, I allowed myself to be convinced to visit my mother-in-law.  In the spirit of promoting marital harmony.

She spent the better part of our visit recounting her lunch date earlier that day, where her friend's daughters "kept going on and on" about how "hot" her son/my husband is.  How he's sooooo good-looking, he could be a model.  How he could get any woman he wanted.  How nobody would believe that he's married, with children. 
And she added:

"I don't think <my name> knows how lucky she is, with such a hot-looking husband!"

Meaning what? I'm such a fucking ugly dog-face that I should be grateful she allowed her "hot" son to have sex with me multiple times? I'm really not a jealous person, but the fact that I know she said these things to get under my skin infuriates me. And it infuriates me because I know she said these things knowing that it could create discord for us, at a time when we're already struggling to keep our marriage together. And it infuriates me that I let her infuriate me.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I can't decide which is worse: when I start to tell my friends a story and they say " I know I read it on your blog" or when I tell my friends about my blog and they say " I stopped reading that thing years ago."

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Warning Labels

How come the government doesn't make nut producers put "WARNING: If you eat most of the nuts in this package, you will feel sick" on the packages?

Because I feel like I was misled.

I'm sorry, you went to medical school?

Dear Foot Doctor
When I ask you what can be done In regards to my debilitating painful plantar fasciitis you telling me "You need to loose some weight, and you have to stay off your feet" is unhelpful. WTF man?? Do you listen to yourself when you speak? That sentence is a complete oxymoron. (unlike you, just a plain moron) How the hell am I supposed to do that? I also love how any time there is ever ANYTHING wrong with a heavy person is it immediately attributed to their weight. Because as we all know, thin people never ever get ill. It's a proven fact right? Clearly and all heavy people are grossly unhealthy and don't deserve any real medical treatment. No no, just the standard medical cure all for fat people "Just loose some weight"  Apparently all of life's problems would be solved by simply dropping that extra weight b/c as we have established, all thin people are happy and healthy. God forbid you should actually spend 5 minutes trying to diagnose or treat us. Staying off my feet is not an option, especially if I am to continue to loose weight, so you need to come up with something better. 
Pissed off Patient

I grabbed my bronzer this morning instead of my powder and I didn't realize it until it was too late.  Now I know what George Hamilton looks like in drag.

Rain boots

It's raining and my children don't have rain boots.

They don't have rain boots because if I bought them rain boots, it would never ever rain again and all our rivers would dry up and we'd all be dehydrated and die.

I hope that you all appreciate my sacrifices for the good of the planet.

Monday, June 8, 2009


Last week I was asked if I wanted to move to a different classroom so that I could be near the teacher I'll be collaborating with next year.  I decided against it because it would have been in the same pod as the guy I had an affair with last year.  Now the room assignments have been completed, so there's no more moving about.
Guess who's moving into my pod now?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

I have no idea what I am doing out of bed

It's 6:30 on a SUNDAY morning. Oh wait.. I know.. it's the idiot 13 year
old boy and his friend playing basketball in the road across the street.
Well I'm up now. They are just lucky I didn't go on a drinking binge
last night or they'd be wearing that basketball in a hole where it won't
quite fit.
Maybe I'll go sit on the front porch and watch them play.. that ought to
creep em out!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

15 Word Whine

Last night I heard myself say "I don't like driving at night." Maybe I'm 80.

Welcome to the NEW AND IMPROVED Secret Spineless Whine

Well no, not really. But we do have a new e-mail address.

Please don't tell the Russians.

Friday, June 5, 2009


Mama told me that every week when she is there and the piano teacher comes to..err.. teach the kids piano, he greets her with a huge smile and a proud "Dasvedania". Unfortunately, "Dasvedania" means "Good bye" in Russian. This has been going on since September.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


Barring a miracle, which I knew could happen but still a miracle, I think my marriage is over.  I'm a very strange mixture of numb and in agony right now.  And I'm really angry with him for being so incapable of compassion or willingness to not be in control or not think he is the only one who has been hurt.
I don't know whether I even love him any more.  I don't know if I even WANT to be married to him. 
But the real tragedy is the two little boys whose family is being ripped apart.

You're Supposed to Say Thank You!

When I read your blog and you’re begging for support for a mission trip and I feel compelled to give you my compulsive shoe shopping money to help out (because we’re real-life friends), and I don’t get so much as a “thank you for your kindness” e-mail, letter, phone call or slap in the face, know that my feelings are a little hurt by that.  I hope my money helped out and that you get stung by a mass of mosquitoes have fun!

I know you want my parking spot. But you can't have it until I pull out of it. It's physically impossible for us both to occupy one spot at the same time. Really. I took physics in high school & we studied it the very first day.

My Head Is Huge

Dear family member who is also a doctor--

When I mention that my neck hurts, maybe you could look at it? Instead of saying "heavy people have all sorts of issues". Because I don't think that my head is heavy. But of course I'm not a doctor.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

If you can't do you job right...

Multiple choice questions:
1. Your employee of over a year is consistently incapable of doing her job, frequently screws up simple tasks, constantly has to ask the same question over and over again and still manages to get it wrong, is rude to customers, has basically no skills. What is the proper course of action?
A) Fire her
B) Demote her
C) Send her back to training until she CAN do the job she is paid to do.
D) Find another employee who CAN do the job and then make her spend hours correcting all the stupid mistakes made by the incompetent employee. Never tell the incompetent employee that she has made any kind of mistake and allow her to continue to screw up every document that crosses her desk.

If you picked D, you must be my boss.

2. Your roll as boss is to:
A) Make sure your employees are doing their jobs properly
B) Make sure your employees show up for their scheduled shifts
C) Oversee the work being done in your office
D) Sit in your office with your feet on your desk and the light turned out watching Star Trek on line with the volume turned all the way up so that everyone on the entire floor can hear it and occasionally walk around the office making train noises before returning to your office.

Again, if you picked D, you must be my boss,

Seriously, I need a new job. Can someone please pass me the help wanted section?

Kate in K-Town

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Ok, so I know I was a HOT MESS this morning, but...

Asking me if I slept in my car last night is NOT what I want to be greeted with as soon as I walk into the office! I was in a wedding Sunday night, slept 3 hours, was on planes and in aiports for at least 12 hours yesterday and slept for only a few hours last night, too.
Next time, please just ignore my puffy eyes. I don't tell you when you look like a matter of fact, I don't tell ANYONE when they look like crap because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt that maybe they had a rough night.
I will make sure to be back to my bright, perky, non-puffy-eyes tomorrow.


Please stop whining about how other people are treated better than you. Please stop talking about how it isn’t fair that the company allows some people to do a less than “acceptable” job and does not hold people accountable. WE ALL KNOW THAT. Guess what? You ARENT such a wonderful employee. You have a special arrangement and therefore are not even working the 8 hours a day that you are paid for. You commute sucks, you have no time with your family, you work so hard…we all know and are tired of hearing it.


Monday, June 1, 2009

Hanky Pranky

Why do people prank call my business cell phone?
Maybe because they think my name is Molly... even when I tell them it's not?
According to them, Molly is a %^^^$%^#%^#$^$%^$%&%^&%^&%&%^&*^&*^ bitch. And other words than can't be represented by my keyboard characters.
They have done this now 11 times now. According to Verizon, there is apparently nothing I can do... besides changing my number. They use a blocked or private number.
I am mad at the prank callers, and mad at myself for wasting energy on the losers.
I'm guessing Molly was the smart girl that switched numbers, and I got stuck with her leftover pranksters.

Job Security, Part II

When your fax does not go through, there is no need to come and tell me about it. Simply wait 5 minutes and try it again. If it fails a second time, once again, wait 5 minutes and try again. If it fails a 3rd time, it is possible that you have the wrong number. Go look it up and try again. Do not bring me the piece of paper that says "line busy" and tell me the fax machine is broken. First off, "Line busy" generally means the line is busy, and secondly, even if the fax machine were broken, I am in no way qualified to fix it. Seriously people.

Job Security

So, I left for vacation on May 21st. I came back today, June 1st (we had a great time). When I returned to my office however, I found a GIANT pile of papers in the fax tray as well as in the communal in box. Care to guess the date that they started piling up? If you guesses May 21st, you are correct. Now, I realize that I was gone for over a week. I know it may have been frightening for you when the fax machine started beeping and spitting out paper but I assure you, that's what it is supposed to do. Now, the follow up step to that would be to take the paper off the fax machine and give it to the person it belongs to. You see that thing at the top there? That's a name. Try to match it to another person in the office. However, simply grabbing any and all papers off the fax machine and dropping them in the in box is not acceptable. Can someone please explain to me why in an office with 11 other people, not one single fax was distributed in my absence? And can someone further explain to me why I was the one who got yelled at when the fax (which came in last Friday when I was not even here) did not reach the appropriate person until today? WTF people? WTF?
Did you ever see that Staples commercial where all the people are all "Oh Ann, can you magically make more paper appear in the copier?" Yeah, that's my life. All you people in my office are just pathetic.