Tuesday, July 21, 2009

To my 20 year old step son who is home from college for the summer…..

I'm sorry. I lost my temper the other night… over toilet paper. I know, such a small little thing, except it was the 9 hundredth frigging time I went in and sat down only to find the toilet paper roll empty…again. When I herded your brother out to the family room and asked you, him and your dad who had left the toilet paper empty again? The correct response would have been, "Sorry, I did, I'll go change it" not "Sorry, I did' and continue texting your idiot friends. Dude, take yourself out of my sphere of anger, be a part of the solution.

This summer when it got close to the time for you to move back, I didn't cry like last year. I thought, OK, I'm a little older, wiser, mellower and you would be too. I gave you the benefit of the doubt that we wouldn't be dealing with all the self-centered crap again. I was really encouraged when, early on, you said you would take bathroom duty, because you really appreciated a clean bathroom. So, let's see, now that you've been home for 3 months how often have you actually cleaned it? Once. And then we had to ask you to clean it, and remind you, twice, and then you didn't get around to it until 8 pm.

And while we are on the topic of self centered; If you are going to sneak girls in the house in the middle of the night, when you let them out the sliding glass door, could you at least close it all the way once they're gone? You may think this is your own private brothel, but your dad and I aren't making any money off the deal, we can't afford to air condition the outside.

And don't park in the driveway. Seriously. We had this discussion a hundred times last summer. We have a one lane driveway, your dad and I park our vehicles in the drive, when you pull in, you block us. This may not seem like such a big deal until we have to wake your ass up at 7 am to move your car so we can go to work. And you bitch about it. There is plenty of room to park in the street, you're an athletic kind of guy, you can walk thirty feet to the door. I know this. We pay all the chiropractor bills from the injuries you sustain from dropping the girl cheerleaders on your head when you're 'stunting'.

I know you are working hard this summer, two jobs and a class to get through school. But when I come home from work to find the kitchen, family room, your room, stacked with dishes/cans/bottles from all the food you have consumed (yeah, that three pounds of boneless, skinless chicken your dad grilled up was supposed to be for all of us) and you are stretched out in the recliner playing X-Box or Wii or whatever it is, I get a little annoyed. Oh, and why the fuck do you get out of the recliner while it is still reclined and leave it that way?

One of your jobs is at a restaurant and you work until closing some nights. It is not OK to come in at 2 am and start making a full meal, banging around the kitchen, and slamming the microwave door (hell, even using the microwave which has one of the loudest frigging beepers I've ever heard, you don't know this stuff when you buy these things). Our bedroom is right behind the kitchen. Our house is small; you like to remind us that this means we are poor compared to your friends with the $400,000 homes.

But back to the toilet paper, how do we go through three times as much when you are home? What are you doing, padding your briefs? Your dad once told me you were a well endowed kid, TMI, I know; let's just leave it at that.

Your dad even sympathized with me for a minute because he's fucking tired of telling you to turn off the lights, only to come home (or get up in the night) and find half the lights in the house on.

And for the love of God, would you blow your freaking nose? I know you have allergies, we pay for all the shots. I know we have pets that make them worse, but if you can't blow it out, stop snorting it back into your head. Christ, you sound like coke addict with a cold.

After I went all crazy ass bonkers over the toilet paper, you told your dad you didn't want to stay here anymore, (God, if I'd known it was that easy I would have flipped a lot earlier). So why is all your shit still here? Pack it up and take up your mother's spare space. And by the way, for the rest of the summer, you are staying with her, in her tiny little condo, with your mono infected little brother. (We knew that chick was a skank).


Anonymous said...

Don't you just love teenagers? (or in this case, at least acting like a teenager) Hope your summer gets better. This sucks. Tell him if he can't manage to respect your TP rules he will just have to buy his own, keep it in his room and carry it down the hall when he needs it. Hey, at least he's not peeing on the seat...or is he...ugh.

Anonymous said...

Heh, no, he's scared of me now. He's been staying at his mom's, it has been BLISS. No peeing on the seat, I deal with that at from one of my co-workers.....oohh, I feel another whine coming on!

Anonymous said...

Oh....I have a 20 year old home from college too, so girlfriend I can appreciate your whine. Why do they think they are doing US a favor by coming home during the summer? When he was away at college my dishes were always in the dishwasher, my bathroom was clean and things were put back where they belonged. I love him, but it's time to go now. :) Bring on Fall!

nicole Harris said...

omg! you are hilarious!!!!!

Anonymous said...

God, How did this turn out? I have a 20 year old stepson living with me , he doesnt work has a baby coming in 4 months and eats all our food, and everything else you said. I cant stand this kid, he is the epitome of pure laziness, I think I loathe him. I told my wife dont let him live with us, let him stay with his wife!!! ya hes married but lives with us. She and I fight all the time, every time I bring something up about him, she says I just dont love him and try to find everything wrong. He is a self centered, lazy non showering idiot. I cant stand him and I think its ruining our marriage. Your the first person I have read about who is in the same boat.