Okay, so you two were going out for a year, which is a long time when we're only teenagers, and you loved each other a lot. And I understand that your breakup was messy and hard on you both, and I was there for you with an ear to listen to you, a shoulder to cry on, and a bucket to throw up into when you decided to drown your sorrows. Especially you, Girl. You are one of the closest friends I ever had and I would give you my boots to puke into if there wasn't a bucket and still love the fact that I'm with you.
But that was what, four, five months back. And things haven't got any better. You went through your period of separation, your reconciliation (ha!) and things are going in circles. You claim to cut off and then the next week you're having sex and taking each other out swimming and seeing films and then you upset each other and we have to piece you back together again, only for the circle to go around again. It's great that you're trying to be friends, but you need to sort this out, it's getting ridiculous.
Guy: face it, we don't really care. You only started talking to us after you broke up, because you thought it might help you stay with Girl if you were friends with us. We know that. I read your long posts about how you still love her and all, and I try to tell you it's going to be alright. But it gets boring always having to do that when you had a year to be friends and have good times together but only bothered when you wanted someone to angst to. And just so you know, no one could care less about the size of your penis. Seriously, being a girl does not automatically mean she's interested in that.
Girl: you need to tell him to stop thinking he still has a chance. He'll just carry on like this unless you tell him outright. Please. Then he'll stop being so irritating and clingy. Every time you let him pay for something, or hold you close, or have sex with you he starts thinking he loves you again. And also, stop being so viciously outspoken about men being stupid and useless and evil. I have friends who are guys, so do you, and let me tell you: in a way I get along with them better than I do with girls. You've had bad experiences, but it doesn't mean you have to verbally attack everyone with a Y chromosome every time Guy upsets you.
And to both of you: STOP FUCKING EACH OTHER!!! Can't you see it isn't doing either of you any favours? It works sometimes, the whole casual sex deal, but not with you. It's just making things even worse than they have to be.
Also, please stop being so dramatic about how love has been destroyed and now you don't love each other the world is an empty place. Because guess what? I've never been in love. The closest I've ever come to romance is snogging a drunken lesbian twice my age at a gig, and that was my first and only kiss. I have never been held close, I've never had anyone tell me that they love me, I've never even held hands with anyone.
And guess what? I am fine. I enjoy what I do. I am happy with my unrequited crush on a goth rock n roll musician, because I wouldn't know what to do with a boyfriend even if a guy was crazy enough to like me in that way. The only things I need to hold close to me are my bass guitars, and believe me, they are beautiful and would never hurt me. My heart beats faster only at gigs because I am in love with the sounds I hear.
It is a good life! I am doing just fine without sex and I'm sure you can do the same!
So you two, just learn to live as individuals again. Then maybe you won't fall apart every week and we can all just get on and enjoy our lives.