Saturday, October 10, 2009

Yet another teenage angst

Yep, same old story heard the world over:

I am a girl. I like a boy. He is my best friend, and although I am well aware of his faults I have to admit that I often wish that we were more than just friends, although I had never let it get in the way.
Thing is, I have a skewed view on romance, as in I really don't get it. I've seen all my friends get screwed over by people they loved and I was adamant not to let it happen to me, so I just never told anyone I fancied them. On top of that, I was bullied a few years back and then harassed by a classmate and so I had a whole pile of hangups that meant that I was afraid of letting people near me, both emotionally and physically. Then I met this friend, and over time I grew to trust him. Somehow he put up with my stupid phobias and mannerisms and saw me as an equal person and good friend. To this day, he is the only person to have actually calmed me down from the brink of a major panic attack/fainting thing. For a long time we maintained the "just friends" thing very well, even when everyone else thought we were a couple because of our closeness, or the closest approximation to closeness you'll get out of me.

And then of course, teenage hormones got in the way and I started wanting to be more than just friends. I kept it quiet for a few months because it was the first time in a long time I'd liked someone, and because he is, to be honest, a complete hopeless romantic, I was afraid of hurting him because I'm pretty unromantic and at times I can come across as cold. For example, I have days where I can't stand to be touched. Also, he had a girlfriend and I didn't want to complicate things.
Eventually it became known among my circle of friends that I did like someone, and out of curiosity he asked me who it was. At first I didn't tell him, and then one day a month or two after he first asked, I told him. After a moment of quiet, he told me I was brave, and then nothing else happened. He has since broken up with his girlfriend (he'd been uncomfortable in the relationship for a while) and has now developed a crush on a girl at his new school and is chasing after her.

Okay, I don't mind if he doesn't like me. I can deal with that. Odds are I'd be a pretty terrible girlfriend; I'm a good gig-buddy but intimacy is beyond me, so I would understand if he said that. But the thing is, he hasn't said anything either way. He's just gone chasing after this new girl leaving me with a huge question mark hovering over me. Another friend rang him to try and get his side of the story and he said that I know the score. But I don't. I have no idea where I stand here, and every time I see him I'm so glad that things haven't gone completely weird between us and we're still good friends, but I can't help but feel like my insides have been walked all over. So I still cheer him up when his romantic problems get him down by chatting for ages about music and books and maybe even giving him a hug which is still a rare thing from me, and when we talk it is still the highlight of the week/month. But I just need to know. It's eating me up inside. He's doing this because he's afraid of hurting me and I don't have the heart to say to him that not telling me is hurting me even more.
After a while to think, I realise I should've just kept my damn mouth shut and killed the feeling but still... just tell me where I stand. I don't care where it is. Could be right next to you, could be a little way away, could be out in the middle of nowhere. But please say so I can stop feeling like this.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

This may be one of those times when it isn't what he says so much as what he doesn't say.

You were brave. You let him know how you feel. Be proud of yourself for taking the risk. Take his chasing another girl as a "no" and work on putting it behind you.

Sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.

momcat said...

Just my opinion but I think the fact that he's chasing after another girl is giving you a message you don't want to accept. If he wanted a romantic relationship with you he probably would have followed up on your admission to him of your feelings. You need to move on and pretend that those feelings for him don't exist even if they still do. If you value him as a friend by all means keep the friendship but dont admit to any more romantic feelings for him just rather be blase about it, call it a temporary glitch or whatever. He wont tell you in so many words what his feelings. Guys dont really talk about feelings so easily. If you show that you are moving on he will either get a wake up call or carry on with his current fling. Either way you will know. Sorry you're going through this.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry about it, this guy is gay. He'll be in your life a lot longer than any "girl" he happens to be chasing at another school. Enjoy the friendship and all the joy that it brings you. He'll need you soon enough when he comes out of the closet and needs you to be there for him.

srob said...

Good lord, just ask him already! Think of the time and energy you have wasted wondering, thinking, wishing, and hoping. ASK HIM. It's easy. "Hey, remember when I told you I had feelings for you? What did you think about that?" See, easy! Yes it's scary to be vulnerable, but trust me, it's worth it to confront the situation head on. Then you have your answer, you can let it go and move on. If he is truly any kind of friend to you, you should be able to talk to him about this.

srob said...

Good lord, just ask him already! Think of the time and energy you have wasted wondering, thinking, wishing, and hoping. ASK HIM. It's easy. "Hey, remember when I told you I had feelings for you? What did you think about that?" See, easy! Yes it's scary to be vulnerable, but trust me, it's worth it to confront the situation head on. Then you have your answer, you can let it go and move on. If he is truly any kind of friend to you, you should be able to talk to him about this.

Julie B. said...

Is there any chance that one or both of you are vampires? If so, I would totally buy the book. Good luck!