Sunday, November 29, 2009

Rules for My Husband

The only place shoes belong is on the floor. Not the dining room chair, not the table, not the bed. THE FLOOR.

your little demon dog

Dear In-Laws, Thank you so much for finally agreeing to come to my house. I know the 30 mile drive is apparently quite difficult for you to make. But, I welcomed the opportunity to cook the holiday feast for you all. It was something I wanted to do for you. However, next time leave your little demon dog at home. He was not invited. After dog sitting that little stinker - during which I spent my time trying to restrain my husband (your son) from hanging him out to dry for repeatedly peeing all over our house, carpet, and furniture, antagonizing our dogs, and generally being an obnoxious pain in the ass - he is no longer welcome in my home. Even for a short visit. Especially after this latest (unexpected, unannounced, unwelcome) visit. It took my husband nearly thirty minutes of cleaning to get the SHIT from his DIRTY ASS off my white chair. The chair in which none of my dogs are allowed to sit. Thank you so much. Next time, leave your little SHIT-zu at home.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Holiday Mother-In-Law

You know, the holidays are tough enough if you have a blended family like my husband does. Every holiday is full of running around to this dinner and that, ensuring that every single member of the family is satisfied and no one feels slighted or forgotten. Fortunately for my dear husband, he married me. And my only real family consists of my two parents who are married to each other and who are more than willing to see us on a day OTHER than the actual day of said holidays because they did lots of running around on holidays during the first years of their marriage and they understand how totally exhausting and holiday-ruining it can be.

Enter my mother-in-law.

My considerate and wonderful husband called her early on Thanksgiving morning to see when we could see her during the day because (and I don't know if this is because fate hates us or because no one else really cares that it SUPER sucks to run back and forth from, literally, one end of the city to the other) we had decided to go to another family gathering that was scheduled at the same time as the one that she was attending. I feel the need to interject here that she hates the part of the family she was going to see as much as we do. So really, you would think she would understand. Oh, no. Not this woman.

The conversation went something like this:

Husband: Mom, when would be a good time to come see you today?

Mother-in-law: No time. I am going to the dinner and then over to my friend's to get ready to go out shopping starting at midnight.

Husband: OK... What about tomorrow?

MIL: I already told you. I am shopping starting at midnight tomorrow and then I am sleeping.

Husband: Oh... well... I guess give us a call when you have time to see us.

MIL: Fine. Bye.


Excellent. Well, then MIL went to her other son and complained that my husband was "trying to get her to rearrange her schedule to fit HIS needs while have no concern for her." Punch me in the face. Please excuse my husband for trying ot be a good son and find time to spend with his mother on Thanksgiving. If he hasn't already apologized.... Please, let me. We're SO sorry.

Of course, she ended up calling to ask us to come over on Saturday to help put up the tree and spend some time together "as a family". Of course, I already had plans with my best friend who is in town from college. Which I had to rearrange for HER.

What a bitch.


Thursday, November 26, 2009


I may have had too much to eat.
We'll know more after an autopsy.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Used Car Salesman Whine

While parked at a McDonald's tonight I spotted several mini-vans in the used lot next door. We need a new vehicle so I unloaded Little Louie and proceeded to hop down the retaining wall to take a look. My six year old son and I studied exteriors and computer printouts in the windows for a good 10 minutes without contact from sales staff, so I figured they were closed. No big deal. We head back to our car.

Then someone pulls another minivan to the front of the line -- we get out of our car, hop down the retaining wall, and walk right past this employee. We again examine the minivans, in full view of TWO employees now. I notice the hours. They're still open. Huh. So I call hubby, give him the vin numbers, he looks them up. Still no salesperson. One standing outside, one surfing the web inside and neither of them come to see if the mom looking at the mini-van has any questions.

Finally, after about 15 minutes more I get pissed. I stalk into the dealership and wait patiently for someone to notice my presence.

After a full 60 seconds, slimy father-figure stands up and asks, "Can I help you with something?"

Me: "Sure. Do you sell to women?"

S.F.F.: (jovially) "Why sure we do!" (The "Little Lady" was implied.)

Me: "Interesting. Because I've been out there for a half-hour and no one came to see if I had questions."

S.F.F.: "A half hour! Well, we were JUST out there!"

Me: "Exactly. You walked right by me."

S.F.F.: {{{silence}}}

Me: "Just so you know, I was pretty interested in the Pontiac. But there's no way on this earth I'd ever buy from this dealership. You've just successfully lost a sale."

S.F.F.: {{{silence}}} (He was probably thinking, "BITCH!" Hope that thought tastes good with your smaller commission check!)

Anyway, I felt much better after taking advantage of that little teaching moment. I hope it sticks with those jack-asses. Think it might, because as Little Louie and I made our way across the lot to our car, the three employees were lined up at the window watching our money walk away.

I guess it just pisses me off because I KNOW it was due to the fact that I didn't have a man along with me. Not that this would make it right, but it wasn't like I was looking at a Porche or a Miata with my six-year-old in tow. If that were the case I can see how they'd figure I was just window shopping or whatever. But I was looking at a FREAKING MINI-VAN. A used one. Don't know many women who go window shopping for a used mini-van. Usually, if we're looking at something like that, we are looking to buy. Turn on the charm, treat us like human beings, and SELL us a car!

Bullies Stink

Damn them. Short week... and yet both kids were bullied. Just wish my kids would tell them to ^&*(&^%^%%&&%^&%^&%^&... I'd support them 100%.

Thanksgiving Card

When I ask you to sign a fucking Thanksgiving card for your parents, the proper response is "thank you for getting it, because it means a lot to my parents and I never think of these things." Not "they'll never get it on time."

I feel like death

I feel like crap. I am going on day 7 of what can only be described as an epic illness. Day 3 of no voice, day 2 of zero sleep because my throat is so excruciatingly painful. I can't breath, I can't swallow, and I can't talk. SO Mr "doctor" man, when I explain all this to you in a whisper b/c that's all I can manage and tell you its getting worse and that i'm in so much pain it makes me cry when I cough, your prescribing me some EXTREMELY ineffective pain killers and telling me to "wait it out" makes me want to HURT you. I'll be damned if I'm missing Thanksgiving b/c you are "uncomfortable with antibiotics" I can't even tell you the last time I took them so just prescribe them already DAMMIT! You shall be reciving a telephone call from my husband as soon as your office opens. Normall I would take care of this sort of thing myself but you'll have to forgive me b/c my throat is ON FIRE AND I CANT FREAKING TALK!

Monday, November 23, 2009


Her "will you be my bridesmaid" invitation clearly stated to be honest, not talk behind her back and let her know if she was being a bridezilla. I did just that. Now she gave me 24 hours to decide if I really want to be a part of the wedding since it's clear to her that I need massive amounts of professional therapy and have an evil spirit.

No school

There is no school this entire week. When did this change? In the olden days, you know, 15 years ago, I never got the entire week of Thanksgiving off. How in the world am I supposed to get us ready for our trip, when I have FIVE CHILDREN here today? How? Who authorized this crap?

I don't even have five children, but somehow I have five children under eight in this house today. Halp. Send wine. And chocolate.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

What the heck, mom?

I told my son that saying 'what the heck' was not acceptable and he said, "why the heck not?"

Friday, November 20, 2009


Everyone has heard how when you take ambien sometimes you don't remember your shit? Well I took 2 the other night because I REALLY needed to sleep that night and ended up inviting my parents up for thanksgiving. almost would have been better if I had facebooked my highschool boyfriend. Rachel Ray, please call me...

We're splitting the tab? REALLY?

So we both have salads. I have a HALF salad and water ($9.85) and she has a full salad and ice tea ($12.95 + $2.25). We eat lunch. She's in dire financial straits because, as she finally confesses, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO WORK. Nevertheless, I'm nothing if not magnanimous and say....

"Let's split the tab."

"That works for me. You have cash? I'll just put it all on my credit card."

At this point, I whip out half of the tab plus half of what should be a generous tip, because I'm nothing if not magnanimous.

At this point, she pockets my money, studies the credit card receipt, and I admit, I can't resist looking to see what she puts in as a tip. I am appalled! Less than 10%!

To recap....I paid 70% of the bill and the poor waitress got stiffed too. And did I tell you that she blabbed the entire time about everyone she knew, not asking one question about me or my life?

Well, I'm not going to sweat it, because I'm nothing if not magnanimous.

Don't Make Me Defend Kate Moss

She is being criticized for saying that "nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."


People are outraged that a high fashion model, whose job requirement is to be undernourished, has a Weight Watchers motto?

Who are we kidding?

I find it a lot more offensive when skinny women say shit like "oh, I never diet" and "I just run after my kids, and that keeps the weight off." What. are their kids marathoners or something?

Yes, models are skinny. Because they don't eat as much as we do. I don't get the outrage.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

When I am Cranky

the correct response is not "do you know why?" or "hope you'll feel better soon!"

It's "you are perfect and everyone else is an asshole."


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Not gonna do it!

Stop looking at me, you 2230 pieces of candy bought to hand out at a parade. Just STOP already! I can't open the bags to let you breathe, no matter how much you beg and plead. Because then? You'll be MINE. Mwahahahaha!! And how would I explain that one to my husband and the ballet? Well, okay. Here's the deal: you come up with the excuse and I'll give you some air.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Russian Prostitutes

Hey, instead of constantly spamming this blog with offers of Russian prostitutes, why not just buy some ad space? Rates are really reasonable and I think you'll soon discover that you found just the market that you were looking for!

Friday, November 13, 2009

so sue me

So I bagged on my luncheon training meeting to stay home and have sex with my under-employed husband. Sue me.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


When I told The Girl that it needed to be "our secret" that I steal daddy's socks and sleep in them? I never thought about how it would sound when she told her teacher that "My mom keeps secrets from my dad".

Monday, November 9, 2009

Call me lazy...

I hate it when people have their blogs set so that only a small excerpt shows up in my Google Reader. Guess what, people...I'm the one who doesn't like your blog enough to click through to see the whole post. Either that, or I'm just that lazy. So there. Don't count your clicks before Whatever. You know what I mean.

Your Undevoted Reader

I do not own Google

Dear Internet Imbecile,
Yes, we gave you a FREE listing on our web site. Yes, YOU did change your name two years ago. Yes, Google is still finding you under that name. Yes, OUR web site has you listed correctly. NO. NO. NO. I cannot change the way Google lists you. And telling me it is entertaining, interesting and fake giggling will not get it to change. Deep sighing will not help in any way either.
Please contact the Google Gods for further assistance
Signed Not Google

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Dr Shithead

Dear Dr Shithead,
I have a fractured disc, you, I was told by your very caring, very intelligent, very worth trust partner, was the only one to see for a specific procedure.  Ok remember I have fractured disc, I have to wait a week and a half to see you because I need a body scan, an xray, and a Dexa scan.  It takes five freakin hours to complete said tests.  I can barely sit for ten minutes on those oh so comfortable waiting room chairs at the imagining center..  So I stand leaning on a high counter, with arms crossed against my chest.  Apparently I stood there so long and pressed arms so hard, I cracked my sternum.  Lucky me.
I should have known the appointment wasn't going to go well as soon as I walked into the building. I have never been to this branch office, of course that is 30 miles from my house.  There was a big lovely fall wreath on the front door, apparently hiding an important sign.  So I go to the front desk, putting my coffee cup down to sign in, and fill out the same form I have filled out every time I see these doctors..  An employee walks into the waiting room screeching, "whose's coffee is this", "Mine I said, sorry I will pick it up in a sec", she says "Can't you read? There is a sign on the front door saying no food or drink".  I said "No, but you do have a lovely wreath there".   I usually use the office close to my home, and the last time I was there with coffee, the receptionist said while laughing,  "What no coffee for me?"
I get called back to the exam room, where the temperature was oh like 115 degrees, not the place to leave a woman in her 50's for more than an hour.  Dr Shithead has a booming voice, I heard his entire conversation for an hour about a real estate transaction.  Remember I am still in pain with disc fracture.  The only place that I am anywhere near comfortable is on the doctor's chair, you know the one with the wheels, that every doctor in the world uses.  Shithead finally comes into the room,  he doesn't introduce himself, just says "You are in my chair", I say "It's the only place I am comfortable".  He says "GET UP".  Funny thing is when I saw his partner and sat in the same chair, Dr said "Please sit I want you comfortable". 
Dr Shithead asks why I am there.  Told him I wanted his special procedure.  He said WHO TOLD YOU I WOULD DO THIS? in his booming voice.  I said YOUR PARTNER.  So he looks at my test results, said "You wasted my time, there is no way I will do this procedure on you"  By that time I had freakin had it.  I said, "I wasted your time?, does that mean I don't have to pay you?"  "I only came here because your partner TOLD me to".  He finally went and got his partner who was also seeing patients.  The GOOD doctor apologized, saying without the results of your tests I was not sure if new procedure would help you..  I will do different procedure, please let me set it up as soon as humanly possible. 
 So Dr Shithead, could you please go rot in hell?  Thank you.  You could have been decent, saw me on time,  told me Im so sorry but I cannot help you.  I would have understood.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

if one more thing goes wrong...

is it not enough that our building was in a fire a week before we moved out? Is it not enough that we've been trying to catch up ever since? Is it not enough that our car broke and then broke again dramatically while driving in heavy traffic downtown? Is it not enough that my husband is a mass of nerves and barely pent up rage? Does he have to deal with a broken toilet part while trying to install a water saving device in the only bathroom we have in this house?

Can we catch a break sometime soon? Please?

Friday, November 6, 2009

Physicians, heal thyself

I don't know about most people, but I don't go to the doctor to make small talk with them. Nor to hear their rant about how Obama is socializing health care.  Just STFU already and do your job.

Day Light Savings

Day Light Savings SUCKS!!  
Why do we have to do this?
Animals don't understand the Day Light Saving!!
The horses, the cats, and the damn Rooster are all up at 5:00 now!!!!
People I have a whole hour longer to SLEEP!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A birthday whine

So, no. The two parents CAN'T avoid swine flu it turns out. Not even if it's my birthday. So I spent #36 on the couch, watching my husband pack to go out of town, when he wasn't at a bonus hockey game with one of our kidlings, and then he huffed when I said, "Yes, honey, I still DO want soup and a sandwich from Panera." I spent it on the couch sewing daughter's pointe shoes because gramma asked, "Is there anything I can do for you?" Sure, come down here and take not-sick-daughter to pointe. (She lives a little over an hour away.) "Ohhhh. I don't think I want to get sick." Darn it all! Should've asked for her to LEVITATE my daughter to ballet for me and that would've worked. I spent it on the couch with my six year old son who kept telling me, "My eyes don't want to stay open," on day 5 of his sickness. And with two year old son who was alternately begging for a pacifier and throwing things at people and then laying down on the floor with his head cradled in my feet. And with nine year old son who was supposed to be at the aforementioned hockey game but woke up with a 102 degree fever and so couldn't go. But didn't care. Until the Motrin kicked in. Then he spent the day wanting to DO something and being Boooooooored, Mooooommm. Is it terrible that now that the Motrin has worn off, he has a terrible headache and is moaning and groaning and I'm pleased that he's suffering just a tiny bit? Yeah, I suck as a mom. Maybe that's why I get this fantastic birthday.
Oh, and thanks, mom, for telling me that making homemade pitas is Easy! and Fun! A. They weren't easy. B. That means they weren't fun. And C. They don't even look like pitas! They're like flat, slightly salty, whole wheat dinner rolls. Next time you hand me the successful recipe rather than sending me to a website to "Just pick a recipe they're all essentially the same!" I think your pants are on fire, mommy.

spelling of the english language

How come they had to come up with the mostest easiest spelling for the slang for relations? I mean come on, a 4 year old can read and sound out S-E-X. I think we all should have just left it at four-nick-hey-shun. Or better yet, used some of those Russian letters that are so trendy now.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Microsoft Excel New Version? I LOATHE YOU!

All I want to do is remove a HYPERLINK.  This is what they told me to do:
  • To turn off several hyperlinks at once, do the following:
    1. In a blank cell, type the number 1.
    2. Right-click the cell, and then click Copy on the shortcut menu.
    3. Hold down CTRL and select each hyperlink that you want to turn off.

      Tip  To select a cell that has a hyperlink in it without going to the hyperlink destination, click the cell and hold the mouse button until the pointer becomes a cross Excel selection pointer, and then release the mouse button.

    4. On the Home tab, in the Clipboard group, click the arrow below Paste, and then click Paste Special.

      Excel Ribbon Image

    5. Under Operation, click Multiply, and then click OK.

The best part?  After all that?  It didn't even work.
Manic Mommy
It really annoys me when The Gap declares my password "not secure enough" and makes me choose a new one with a capital letter, number and symbol.

Because if someone wants to hack my Gap account and buy me a sweater, I'm cool with that.

Note to the sugar-never-allowed families

Note to the Sugar-Never-Allowed families in the neighborhood:

If we didn't know who you are already (we do) we find out on Halloween. Your kids are the ones ravenously clawing at the candy bowl, digging in elbow deep, shoveling as many pieces of candy as is humanly possible for a seven year old. And then, once they have emptied the bowl? They proceed to stuffing their faces on my front porch, right in front of the candy bowl, with the wrappers still attached, before I can get the front door closed.

A little bit of sugar throughout the year, in moderation, has been known to remedy the situation.

Think of the TREES

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, if you FAX me something, you DO NOT have to send an
interoffice copy as well.

Monday, November 2, 2009


How am I supposed to train for a marathon when it gets dark at pick up kids-thirty and I need to run 17 jabillion miles during the week?


There were only two Almond Joys in my son's Halloween candy.

15 word whine

Five kids down with H1N1. 
Two to go.
Think the parents can avoid this treat?

unhappy birthday

Today was my husband's 28th birthday. To celebrate, I didn't get to cook him a delicious meal, or go on a fun hike together- he worked a 16 hour shift to cover for an absent co-worker.