Midnight

My kids are excited to stay up until midnight to ring in the New Year. To me, midnight sounds like 5 am at this point. Possibly because I am a million years old.

Can't you read?

It's written plain and simple, in nice black and red colors: "Do not throw away".
How many wet-wipe bag covers do you think I own? You're bloody throwing them all away every time you finish a bag! Do you not know how to read? This daycare is costing me so much money, I would expect the people who take care of my baby's education to bloody know how to read and follow simple instructions!
Now his entire bag will get soggy from wet wipes without cover, and the wipes themselves will dry out and my husband says I can't yell at you.
Damn you for making me look like a fussy mom!
--
Sophie.

If You Can't Ring Up a Sale Without Rolling Your Eyes

maybe you shouldn't work at a grocery store.

I approach the checkout.
She asks, "how many bags?" and I say, "two."
She takes a carton of eggs and immediately places it on the bottom of the first bag and I say, "could you please put the eggs on top?" and she says, "There are going to be two bags, anyway," and rolls her eyes.

Seriously?
Because are you seriously fucking telling me that one bag will just have the carton of eggs and the second bag will have everything else? Because if that is our bagging strategy, then I would like three bags.

Bah Humbug!

When did the thoughtful exchange of Holiday Cards between friends and loved ones turn into mass mailing out a picture of your kid with a generic caption and pre-printed signature? Isn't that what snapfish is for? Why are you wasting your time and your money mailing out this crap? They aren't thoughtful or charming. They are cheap looking and tacky. Merry Frickin Christmas!

Thanks Facebook

Thanks for the tips, I know I am a loser at finding friends. But suggesting I friend the elderly father of my ex-coworker? That's a little Jerry Springer dontcha think?

hey!

Why haven't you changed your mailing address, guy who used to live here? It's getting progressively more tempting to open packages from Amazon that keep getting shipped here! It's been 4 months since we moved in! Why is Amazon still sending things to THIS address?!?!

Final Whine

Dear Stupid Teenagers Boy, STOP SUCKING YOUR DAMN TEETH! This is a communal computer lab. I have final in 20 minutes. I am trying to study here because I don't have a Mac at home and apparently that is the only acceptable form of computer. I'm under a lot of pressure here. You incessant squeaking will become detrimental to your well being in about 4.5 seconds. If you don't stop sucking you teeth I'm going to forcibly remove them with my fist. Girl, GET OFF THE PHONE! No one wants to hear you fight with your mother, No one is interested. Your being extremely noisy and WAY Too much information is now being shared with total strangers. You are distracting me. Get off the phone or your going to find out how it feel to have it shoved up your nostril. That is all.

Weight Loss

You know what? I have worked my ass off to lose 20 lbs. Working out at the gym for an hour each night after work and counting calories. So yes, it irritates the crap out of me when you, who clearly have done absolutely nothing and haven't lost a single pound as far as I can see, claim that the pounds have melted off of you by magic! And then you tell me you don't even own a scale and never weight, so how the HELL do you even know? It's so irritating that I'm tempted to bring a scale to work and make you step on it, except I'm not into humiliating people. But keep it up, and that may change.

Silence isn't golden

I think when people give you the silent treatment, they should tell you exactly when it's going to be over. That way you could just go about your business and know, for example, that at 8PM, you can call back and get your question answered.

What does she do all day?

I have a friend who is an HR recruiter for a large telecom company. I also have lots of friends that are out of jobs. So, one would think the two would be a good match. But whenever I ask HR friend what jobs are open, she tells me to check their website, and there are usually 2 jobs open. One in Laredo (bilingual only) and one in Ramsey, NJ (no relo). Neither are really geographically desirable. So what exactly does she do all day? Is there like an HR handshake or something I am missing out on? I just want to help my friends find something!

Christmas Bonus

The father of the family I babysit for just backed into my car. He's also prone to temper tantrums and a tight ass. Sucks to be him.

Mother in Law

Is it unreasonable for me to expect my mother in law to actually wait
at the door for someone to let her in? She drops by unannounced and
just let's herself in while we are watching tv downstairs. A week of
watching our kids after school does not make up for our relationship
being shit. Agh!!!

*** *** *** ***

I need a definition of hooker

So, Ashley Dupre, the prostitute who was err...having sex with Governor Eliot Spitzer is outraged that Tiger Woods' girlfriends are getting cash settlements. I read yesterday in the New York Post that her comment was along the lines of "And I was the hooker?"

I am confused.
Does the fact that Tiger's mistresses are getting some cash somehow make Ashley NOT a hooker?

Or is she confused and thinks that only one woman can be a hooker.
Because if receiving cash for sexual services isn't a job description for prostitution, I don't know what is.

Oh, and the fact that she hasn't cashed in on it by writing a tell-all book? Ashley, what are you waiting for? No one would blame you.

If you've gotten this far in life without using an ATM or one of those
self-service lanes at the grocery store, I'm sorry, it's too late to
learn.

Just wait for the teller to cash your check. Of all the life skills
you can pick up now, this just isn't one worth having.

WHATEVER!

I just want to send a big fat WHATEVER! out to the whole world right now. WHATEVER! to snarky friends who constantly hit you with zingers. WHATEVER! to family drama, family psychos, family grinches. WHATEVER! to cranky bosses who insist you go to 4 hour meetings when your drowning in work. WHATEVER! to the economy and how the hell am I going to pay for Christmas. WHATEVER! to all the fricken holiday sale emails, mailings, commercials and internet ads that make me feel like I'm contstantly missing out on the best deals in the world. WHATEVER! to time that there is never enough of. WHATEVER! to my to-do list that is constantly a mile long. WHATEVER! to the exhaustion - insomnia - exhaustion - insomnia cycle that I am on.

WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER!!!!!

Anonymous

Damn you Google Voice!

So, my husband is a smart guy. Sometimes too smart. He signed up for a service called Google Voice – one phone number which will ring all of your phones in order until one picks up: cell, home, office, voicemail. Brilliant.

Except, he’s in California on a business trip and has turned his cell off while he’s out to dinner with the guys. I’m in North Carolina (that’s 3 hours ahead) trying to get some sleep.

Goes something like this:

<woman sleeping>

12:02am: Phone rings. It’s a (female) client of his wanting to invite him out for drinks. Sorry to wake you.

12:03am: Same client. Can’t figure out why my husband’s cell phone rings his home. Even after I explain it to her – again.

1:32am: Client he had dinner with. Great sushi. Wants to see if they can meet for breakfast.

1:57am: Husband. Saw I called. Why am I still up?

Time to go back to driver's training

You were wearing scrubs. Bet you work in the health profession. And yet you were exceeding the speed limit in your shiny, red SUV, tailgating, drifting out of your lane, failing to signal your intent AND vigorously brushing your teeth along a stretch of highway which has seen 3 fatalities in the last 2 weeks. What the hell is the matter with you?????