Thursday, April 30, 2009

The guy who changed my oil last month moved the driver's seat and I CANNOT get it back to where it was before. I mean the seat still moves, I just can't find the exact right distance from the seat to the pedals. I've tried, believe me; I move that seat at every single red light.

That might be the lamest excuse ever for buying a new car.

Go AWAY

Dear Cote d'Ivoire residents,
 
We don't want you.  Go away.  And take the Russians with you.

An Anonymous Whine

Dearest Sister-In-Law,

 

It has been nearly 6 years that we have been “family” now.  And of those 6 wonderful years, you have been a bitch THE ENTIRE TIME.  I do not like you.  I realize that I married YOUR brother.  Something you may not realize is that he is your BROTHER, not your HUSBAND.  The next time your taillight goes out in your Tahoe (that you can’t afford but just had to have), ask your husband to change it, not mine.  Do not have your 8 year old son call me asking if we can buy your lame ass some milk and bread because you have nothing to eat in your house.  The last time I checked, that’s called child endangerment (the fact that you have no food and have your 8 year old son calling asking for some).  I will provide for the children because I feel it is unfair to them.  However, I will not give you money to support your drug habit.  There, I said it.  You. Have. A. Drug. Problem.  GET HELP!

 

On another note, stop making everyone feel sorry for you.  The next time your loser husband goes out on you, listen to us when we say we have photographic evidence of this fact.  Maybe if you get another letter from department of child support asking for a DNA sample from your husband because he may or may not be the father of some 20 year old girl’s illegitimate child that now needs help raising said illegitimate child, you will get a clue.

 

And finally, when your car is out of gas and you borrow your parents’ vehicle, I DO NOT want to know that you were borrowing their car to make it to your nail appointment on time and will be back home right after you stop and buy some cigarettes! 

 

You suck!

 

Peace out,

Your “sister”.

 

 

News alert!

This is the South!
Fixing the air conditioner comes before buying new shoes.

Can I get an Amen

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dear Loser Husband

Dear Husband,
 
I am cheating on you because you won't give me sex.  Don't worry, though...there is no emotional feelings I have for this other man.  I don't think I can muster up enough energy to feel much any more.  I've wasted all my energy on you.
 
Maybe if you acknowledged my needs (primal and emotional) we would be happier.
 
But you insist on playing WOW for 20 hours a day.  You won't get a job...I guess you figure it is alright for me to pay all of the bills.
 
Unfortunately, that does not give me any extra money to file the divorce papers.
 
Maybe some other gamer chick will be attracted to your bitch tits.
 
Signed,
 
Your Roommate

Blind Drunk Driver


You are going blind.  You asked for a guide dog.  Yet you refuse to stop driving.  WTF are you thinking?  Is that dog gonna drive your car?  Does it come with a drivers license?  I don't think so!
 
Not only is your sight failing, but you also like to drink.  A LOT.  And you like to drive when you drink.  Please call me whenever you are drinking.  I want to make sure the people I love are safe and not on the streets where you can run them over.
 
So you were in your umteenth single car wreck last week.  Congratulations.  Why do you lie to me and tell me you weren't drinking, but then go on to tell me that you refused to take the breathalyzer test?  Why would you refuse if you hadn't been drinking...at night...after it had rained for two days and the streets were slick...and you can't see?
 
Don't come for me to feel sorry for you when the rental car won't rent a car to you because your license has been suspended.  It's YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT!!!  I don't have a problem telling you how fucked up you are.  I don't care if you start crying.  You came to the wrong person for sympathy.
 
STOP DRIVING!  Be responsible!  You have 3 kids...get your shit together for their sake.
 
Oh, and show up to work more than 20 hours week...this is a full time job! 

15 Word Whine

Why isn't my whine posted?
 
Sent it last week.
 
Damn Russians got their shit posted.

So Why Can't I Fix It?

I am the mom. Even though he is grown, I am the mom. I will always be the mom. When he tumbled off his rocking dog, I was there to comfort him and encourage him to get right back on. When he scraped his knee learning to ride his bicycle? Same story. When he lost the geography bee in 6th grade? I let him know his best effort was all I required to be proud of him. When he didn't make Varsity in High School? Same story. When he did make Varsity? Crazy proud.
 
But now? How can I fix this? What can I do to make this right? His wife and he are breaking up. Neither one will say why, because they are both too mature to take their problems outside the marriage, but does it matter? No. My son's heart is breaking and I cannot fix it. My daughter-in-law's heart is also breaking and i cannot fix that. My grandchild, in a few years, will also be broken over this situation and guess what? I cannot fix that either.

Another Swine Swhine

So they confirmed the first death in the US from the swine flu, and where is it?  HOUSTON.  Where I live.  Seems that someone thought it appropriate to drag the sick child from Mexico ALL OVER THE SOUTHERN PART OF TEXAS and then landed in Houston where it all ended.  I can understand a little, because Houston was probably the closest city with great medical facilities, but how about not putting thousands of people at risk next time, assholes?
 
If this flu doesn't end up killing me, the paranoia might.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

15 Word Whine

I'm SO tired. I should go to bed early, but I know I won't. Dumbass.

Hey

Remember ME?
 
It's been a couple of months, now, hasn't it?  My head is about to explode.  I was moved to a position I loved, only to be moved once I had gotten comfortable and into a nice groove.  The most recent move notice?  3 hours.  At least you all thought long and hard about where to put me last time.  This time?  You just needed a body and chose mine.  Why?  I know NOTHING about technology. 
 
Surely having 4 different job titles in less than 8 months is reason enough for a raise.  I've had to pack and unpack my cubicle 4 times.  I'm debating buying a rascal and working from it in order to make my next move that much easier!  This is absolutely ridiculous and I want to quit.  Only, I can't.  I made a promise to myself I'd be in one job (or 4) for at least a year...August can't come soon enough!
PLEASE put me back in my last position, I LOVED it...I'll stay longer, I promise!

Rainy Days and Tuesdays

The sky weeps rain
And the sun hides behind clouds
Summer cannot come soon enough
 

Cheap Bastards

The quality of the paper product in my office has been on the decline for quite some time. I can handle the printer paper that is only one slight grade above news print. I will tolerate the paper towels that you could read through. I understand why we don't even get paper plates anymore. But what I will not stand for is the fact that the toilet paper in my office is now ONE PLY and SO CHEAP it can no longer support its own weight on the giant roll. Thus, anyone who wants to use the restroom, rather than getting a single long piece of TP, ends up with a handful of teeny tiny scraps of toilet paper. We want toilet paper, not confettie! I know you all are trying to save a few bucks but really this is getting ridiculous. Buy some two ply you cheap bastards!

If This is Your First Time

If this is your first time at Starbucks, you should announce it when you walk through the doors, so that you can maybe get a plastic coffee bean pin, like the plastic pilot wings that kids get when they fly for the first time.

If this is not your first time at Starbucks, why are you asking "how big is your medium?" and "do you have bagels?" and a million other inane questions?! Do you not know that the people in line behind you haven't had coffee yet and are mildly homicidal?!?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Dear Mother Nature, or Aunt Flow:

Whoever the hell you are.  Is there some reason why we must have cramps too.  A sticky, yucky situation that arrives every friggin month isn't enough for you?  Seriously!!  I have a headache, my back hurts, I want to go postal or fall on the ground sobbing.  You are really a pain in the ass.  I take that back.  My ass is about the only thing that isn't bothering me right now.
 
Screw you Monthly "Friend"

15 Word Whine

Can it please be 5pm..Nothing productive = rest of day......do you understand me?????

Smokin' hot Momma

Why is it that on the hottest Saturday all year I forget to "sun block it up" before sitting on metal bleachers for the hottest two hours of the day???? Why is it that all the other parents look toasty brown, and not a drop of sweat coming from their brows...when I sit here turning a nice crimson red, sweat pouring off me like I just got out of the sauna??? Note to self: Put extra sweat proof sun block in car for moments such as this......Ouch...........sometimes it hurts to be Irish....

Pay attention.....

When I say....this is not working I am done....i am pretty sure i actually MEAN it.....leave me alone.....get a life......

Fifteen Word Whine: To Some Students

You two
sitting in the back
 
Your PDA
is making me ill
 
Get a room
 

Secret Spineless Swhine

Do not be alarmed.

You cannot get Swhine Flu by posting on this site.
I repeat, all Swining can proceed as normal.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

15 Word Whine

He won't stop coughing, making it hard to for me sleep. Double Nyquil for us.

um hello?

mexico? your swine flu is freaking me out.

just sayin.....

burned

dear craigslist seller-
when you returned our email with a "come and get it!" phone call this morning we were very VERY excited. its getting pretty hot out and with no ac and no window units summer came very quick and-- woah- we were not prepared!  so what an awesome deal at the perfect time!  but when we said we could be there in two hours and you said okay, i guess we thought we had a deal. you even gave us your address. and directions. and let us know we would probably get lost with the GPS but i digress.  
so why, oh why did you not let us know until after we spent two hours driving on the turnpike that you had already sold said item? i mean it's not like we live right up the street lady-you knew it would take at least and an hour and a half to get there.

isn't there some kind of rule about this? 
if you don't know HOW to use craigslist don't list on it. 

thanks for nothing, beotch.

Very confused

Very Confused

So, I just wanted to vent for a moment and confess.

I am in no way shape or form technologically savvy.

I just started to text like 3 months ago. It was pissing off my family that I would call them instead of just ordering them around via text. I actually wanted to hear their voices.... They stopped answering me, and after leaving over 100 messages on various voice mails (note to all: 17 year old boys do not check their voice mails because 17 years girls do not leave messages)

I finally broke down, bought a phone with a key board and began to text. Not that I'm any good at it. I must be sitting still with no distractions, like in a parked car with the radio off for them to make any sense what so ever. God forbid if I try to text while driving! They look like this… "wh34s r u" My kids think I'm cursing at them.

So I have learning to stop doing that and probably save my life and possibly somebody else’s.
But now.. in addition to texting and a blog I have been sucked into the world of Facebook.

I have a very basic understanding of this whole situation. But I really like to see all my friends and their pictures and take some random pointless quiz that tells me what alcoholic beverage I am most like. (By the way I am sitting at work with very few distractions and still spelled alcoholic so bad spell check couldn't even give me a clue.)
So this morning with nothing to do at work, I started thinking about Facebook, and how cool it would be if I could say... Twitter, or check out what everybody is doing with my cell phone. So I thought I might try and set this up. Turns out my youngest son has already set up his Facebook and Myspace pages on my cell phone. He lost his due to lack of homework completion, so stole mine in order to keep in touch. I had hoped this would make it easier for me, the phone already knows how to find this stuff. Not so much.

I can't even sign in, I don't know how to make the phone do a _ then I realize the my phone only has 1 bar left, so not near enough battery left to deal with my stupidity. So I guess I'll just have to live with only getting on Facebook at home, in my tropical paradise, with a glass of wine next to me and lying to my husband telling him I'm doing homework.

I did homework for 3 hours last night. Whew I'm dedicated.
The thing that really pisses me off about this whole situation, the lack of texting ability, the lack of spelling ability, the inability to work the cell phone as well as a 13 year old. Is that it is just one more indication that I'm turning into my mother. Who cannot spell her first name right every time and just this year got a cell phone that actually fits into her purse and weighs less than 5 lbs.

Shit....


Saturday, April 25, 2009

15 Word Whine

Wish I noticed the empty toilet paper roll before I peed. House full of males...

Oh, the hairmanity!

My curling iron just died. 
 
Why????
 
Why me?????
 
Why, why, why, why?????
 
In lieu of flowers, please send chocolate. 
 

Friday, April 24, 2009

15 Word Whine

I'd be excited about the weekend except it just means cleaning, laundry, and fighting kids.

All my jelly beans

are gone and it makes me sad.

DMV lady "Is all this information still correct? No changes in the past ten years?"

Me "Everything is the same."

DMV lady "Really. You still weigh 125 pounds?"

Me "Sure. You have a scale?"

DMV bitch "No."

Me "Then it looks like it's my word against yours."

For the love of....

My husband lost his job.
 
I suggested he keep going to the Y to get rid of stress and stay fit.
 
Now he spends HOURS there. I am scrimping, saving and working. I said, what have you been doing... oh running, lifting, swimming, etc. I wanted poke his eyes out. Now he is out mowing the grass. Great if he wants a job doing it. But not really going to help him in the employment area of his specialty. To make matters worse.. he is NOT wearing a shirt. I think men over the age of 30ish -- I don't care about the shape they are in -- should wear a fucking shirt. Age just doesn't make mowing shirtless hot, unless you're the guy we used to pay to do the lawn. And much to my disappointment he wore a shirt, but was hot anyway. My husband is actually (as you can imagine by his dedication) in great shape. But I am going to kill him. Then I will put a shirt on him.
 
 

Don't Touch Me

Just as you should never touch a woman's belly and ask her if she's pregnant, you should never poke my boobs and ask 'are they yours?'
 
Of course they're mine, you stupid bitch.  And I paid good money for them, too.
 

15 word whine

Is there some sort of law dictating that shoes can't be cute and comfortable simultaneously?

15 Word Whine

I hate it when the toilet paper refuses to come easily off the stupid roll.

Hands off My Uterus!

Dear Co-Workers, Family Member, Friends, Acquaintances, and Complete Strangers;
I am not pregnant. I do no intend to be pregnant for at least another 2 years. Please stop asking me when my husband and I are going to have a baby. It's a very personal question. That's like asking someone how much they weigh or how much they make. The answer is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! I realize that these are my prime baby making years. I realize that you all can practically hear my ovaries vibrating. I know you want grandbabies/ cousins/ nieces/ nephews/ yet another reason to ask me personal and intrusive questions in the grocery despite the fact that you are complete stranger (seriously old woman if you touch my stomach again I WILL hurt you. There is NO BABY.) Husband and I have no money and we've been married for roughly 15.7 minutes. Please stop telling me "Well there's never a perfect time to have a baby" and then winking at me. I am aware of this but perhaps we should put it off a bit until maybe we are not eating ketchup sandwiches at the end of the month until we get paid again. I'm begging you, stop asking me. Just stop. I promise I will tell you, but for now, keep your mitts off my uterus!

Dating at 33

is less like Sex in the City and more like Freaks in the 'Burbs.  It is akin to searching for the proverbial needle in the haystack but realizing that it simply doesn't exist so instead one the settles for the nearest possible prick instead of the sharpest.  It is a revolving door of losers and rejects.  Dating is meeting someone attractive and interesting only to find that they are married.  Dating at this age, is getting what is lingering or festering at the bottom of the barrel.  One finds a nice guy, he has the qualifications to get him to date two ie: master's degree, he taught English in South America, he takes me to an amazing restaurant and spent more money than he should have.  Mr. Halfway Decent got in the door because he had hair (and when I say this, I mean, it wasn't purple or receding or really long), he could speak without drooling, spitting, or emitting fumes that could make paint peel, he displayed no symptoms of terrets or narcolepsy, and dressed reasonably well (probably the ex-girlfriend's handywork).  After multiple dates including one (ok, a lot more than one, but let's pretend that I was smart enough to figure this out at date 5 or 6) mind blowing sleepover one starts to realize the Mr. Halfway Decent's sheen is a little less lusterfull and perhaps a little more shit shine.  Mr. Halfway has turned sour like old milk and the realization is, he too is Mr. Halfwit. 

 

Occasionally Ms. Single Hot-Mama finds a man who is intelligent, funny, likes the same movies, has the same financial expectations and seemingly would be a match.  What could possibly be wrong here, you ask?  Well, I would rather sleep with Sponge Bob Square Pants, or my dad then him.  And believe you me, I am not in to cartoons or incest.  Mr. Almost Perfect is all fizzle, no sizzle.  Damn. 

 

Eyeballing the Craigslist Killer's fiance it makes me wonder if she is another sap like me.  One that means well and optimistically looks at Mr. Wouldn't Hurt a Fly overlooking the redflags flying in her face.  Well, I for one am no longer going to ignore the freak phone when it's ringing and for all of you that need a little guide... here you are:

 

1) If you have no friends OR way too many friends but mainly no friends... then you are a serious loser, definitely suspect.

2) If you hate your family or supposedly have no family or have anger issues regarding either the family or lack there of. ...or if you have anger issues period, here's the door.

3) If you live with your parents. Yeah... 'nuff said.

4) If you take more than a few mind altering or mood enhancing prescription medications or illegal substances.  Wait.. perhaps those should be separate.  If you are mentally imbalanced in any way, shape, or form I know you will be attracted to me, but please, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stay the hell away from me.

5) If you have more than one family member in jail or a padded cell, hmmm or if there is more than one that should be, or if you yourself have ever been in either lovely location, don't call me; I'll call you, NOT.

6) If you are unemployed for any reason (sorry).  And NO the damn economy is no excuse.  Yeah, I am a heartless bitch.  Get a job, loser.

7) If you are a super perv (the mild to moderately perverted may still apply).

8) If you cry and no one is dead.

9) If you enjoy long drives with no destination and for whatever reason resist silly things like bathroom breaks and or stops for coffee or food and of course if you neglect to equip your car with some form of navigational system, be it GPS, laptop, On Star, cell, or good old fashioned gas station map then damn it, I am not getting into it with you.

10) If you spend money you do not have, or my money that I do not have, like $50 on grass seed when apparently "helping me with the yard work" (going to the store doesn't count as helping me, shoveling does, just to clarify) while I rake and shovel and bag the crap.

11) If you are radical about anything, and by anything I mean religion, politics, music, computers, I mean anything.  I don't want to hear a 5 hour dissertation on your favorite band or your favorite sport.

12) If you are overly moral or truly unethical.

13) If you have ever swum in shit for any reason (don't ask).

14) If you have poor hygiene.

15) If you you are sad and whiney (shut up, this is therapy and not hypocrisy).

16) If you display any of the traits listed below,

Slovenliness.  If you don't pick up after yourself, go live with your mom and then refer to number 3.

Selfishness.  It's not all about you.  Learn it or leave.

A tendancy to hijack remote controls.  I like Dancing With The Stars.  It's my tv.

Being a leech and sucking time, money, or other commodities I may have.

Being a clinger.  Sometimes, I just have shit to do. Deal with it.  I do not need to be your "something to look forward to" every moment of every day. Refer to number 15.

Unrealistic expectations of phone calls, texts, and emails after the first month; if I have something to say, you will hear it one way or another.

Habitual talking about something no one on the planet gives a shit about. Please see number 11.

Accidentally allowing your belongings to migrate to my place.  I don't use Speed Stick and I am NOT cleaning out a drawer for you.

This one probably falls under the category of selfishness, but if you are unemployed and offer to take my car to the shop for me, get lost on the way because you are high, and then spend a little extra time driving around.  Do not under any circumstances tell me (who works over 40 hours a week, has two children, and a house) that you, "took the whole day off for me."  Seriously?!!  Really?!! Took the day off from what!  Your afternoon nap?  ...and yes... he did... take a nap every afternoon.  LOSER.

 

  

 

Could someone please clone my brain and put it in Matthew McConaughey's body and then send that perfect specimen to me, PLEASE?  I can wait 'til Christmas if I must.

 

Go to fullsize imageGo to fullsize imageGo to fullsize imageGo to fullsize image

 

Sincerely,

 

Reddaisies

 


Having to renew your driver's license on birthdays ending with 5 or 0 is adding insult to injury.

I'm off to the DMV, see you in a week or so.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

15 Word Whine

Why did my son just put the cat in the kitchen cabinet? With the FOOD?
It is entirely possible for a woman to wear a shift dress and NOT be pregnant. The best way to tell? Wait 9 months and see if she's holding a baby. The worst way? Ask her. Cause if she's not, you are going to ruin her entire day.

Stupid computers

I hate computers. No, wait. I love computers. No, wait. I hate stupid computer bugs and errors and virus and malware and other weapons of byte destruction that make me feel stupid and defenseless and lost while my beloved laptop is in the shop yet again for the second time in three days and the computer repair folks shake their heads sypathetically and say, "Wow, we've never seen that before. We'll let Nick take a look at it. He specializes in weird stuff."
Sigh

--
Cathy Wood
Read my column at timesdaily.com
Visit my blog at cathylwood.wordpress.com
 

Leave my desk...NOW.

My co-worker is, as we speak, standing in front of my desk talking AT me. She has been there for 10 minutes preforming this dull ass monologue. Subjects include, skiing (both water and snow), hair gel, knickerbockers (i don't know, I'm not really listening), novelty aprons with the words "I'd trade my husband for a John Deere" embroidered on them, the unsatisfactory dress of middle schoolers with baggy pants, and the COMPLETE life stories of 4 people whom I have never even heard of. I have not engaged this woman in any conversation. Its been 10 minutes and I have yet to utter a single word beyond "uh-hu" and "mmhm" I have not taken my eyes off the screen. I am now TYPING and very clearly not paying any attention to her, yet there she stands, yammering on. Someone maker her LEAVE!

The Creeping Crud...

...is attacking my whole family in stages.  If I'm Stage Four, I quit.
 
This has involved exploding diapers, vomit catching, and other wonderful events in the Germ Olympics.
 
You can read my entire whine here.  You know you want to.  Come on, at least make me happy by running up my blogpatrol stats!
 

Dear Co-worker

Think really hard... If you can't decide who the "Michael Scott" is in our office... then its probably YOU!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

15 Word Whine

I didn't win anything at Bunco tonight despite distracting my opponents so I could cheat.

Tired...so tired

Um, why am I all out of energy because I've been running around all day, but my kids are bouncing off the walls? How is that fair?

I Wouldn't Exactly Call it Fun

Dear Plaster Fun Time:
 
If you're going to advertise and print coupons in the local newspapers, if you're going to have special "April vacation hours," and if you're going to post a notice suggesting people come between 5:00 pm and 7:00 pm to avoid the crowds, it would seem that you may want to have more than one effing employee working at 2:00 pm on a rainy Wednesday. 
 
Fun time?  Not so much.
 

3 Meals a Day = Torture

I can't stand people chewing loudly. I know my whine is not unique. However, my husband is now unemployed. Never noticed until now HOW loudly he chews. Now we eat all meals together... I might chew my tongue off trying not to scream.
 

Juvenile Delinquents

To the parents of the juvy-headed punks, one of whom lives right next door to me......how about you GET A CLUE and when the POLICE have to take guns (pellet/bb/air) away from your SIXTH grader.....decide that maybe, JUST maybe, it would NOT be a good idea to buy him more of them. Because when you do stupid shit like that, he takes it in his head to SHOOT my THIRD grader as he is walking from the bus to our house with his siblings. And then I have to leave work to come home and talk to the police officer....who once AGAIN takes away the guns. And as if that isn't bad enough -- your son's punk FOURTH grade friend thinks that he is so tough and tries to threaten to sue me because, oh no -- HE had a gun over at your house that got taken by the police too. Well, I'm ever so sorry that the police had to protect the safety of my children and try to ensure they won't be hit by anymore bbs -- because next time it might not just be a leg that is hit. Especially since neighbor boy was seen pointing his gun at my other son's HEAD after the first shot taken.

I need to sell my house.

Mostly Wordless Whining: My Kitchen Art


I've been accused of being a hypocrite. And kind of a crappy decorator.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Damn my big mouth.

This afternoon I suggested to my boss that he snatch someone bald-headed. (is this just a Southern saying?)

Guess what?  My boss is bald. Very.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

I love you so much but you only want to be petted when I'm in bed. Are you channeling my former boyfriends?

If it's not the DOGS, it's the MOWER..

Dear Damn Neighbour with the Dogs and Cats and Menagerie

I know that spring is springing. I KNOW. And HOW do I know? Because you have your sodding ride-on MOWER out. Twice a day. Oh, and conveniently at NAPTIME and BEDTIME. Yep, as soon as those little heads hit the pillows, there you are, revving up like Lewis-bloody-Hamilton on the Formula 1 grid.  And yes, your dogs start to BARK as they hate the mower nearly as much as I do. Have you not noticed? There is still SNOW in the corners of your yard? THERE IS NO GRASS YET.

However, I can tell it is spring, because you are using the mower, rather than signalling the arrival of autumn with the leaf blower, or winter with the snow blower. 

None of these pieces of machinery need to be exercised twice a day. Unlike your wretched dogs, which never leave the yard. Unless you count the flying dog-shit as it whizzes over your fence towards mine.

I have, as an aside, realised that your wife is running her own business, providing Olde English Teas in other people's houses, complete with cucumber sandwiches and homemade cakes. OMG, made in YOUR HOUSE with all those animals and their excrement.  Apart from the fact that you are both as English as Aunt Jemima's pancakes, do you not realise you could kill someone?  Mmmm, delicious, potted meat sandwiches with ferret-piss relish?

But I digress. I will turn my vinegar-filled water gun in your direction if you do not desist from the incessant MOWING!

I have a sore throat

and my husband isn't around so I can't even milk it properly.

This stinks!

All the laxative did was make me fart. A lot.

15 Word Whine

I busted my tail planning the neighborhood party this weekend. One person said thank you.

Dear Mother,

You are almost 72 and your health is failing. It is possible that you will not be able to live on your own much longer. Guess what? You should have considered that when you were busy being a suck-ass, abusive, neglectful parent.

See ya,
Your Daughter

Name Game

If your first name is ambiguous (to me . . . and every single co-worker I check with) – Rikki, Pat, Bassam, Rain, Ullah, Zuri, Saima, Campbell, R.J. – circle a bloody prefix!!

 

This Is Just To Say

I did not grade
your papers
or quizzes
today

Which you
have been
asking about
the last three weeks

Forgive me
the blogs
were seductive
and many

Things I HATE about my current cubicle location

1. Answering the back door.  It's annoying when people come and don't know the code. Go in the f-ing front
2. Helping fix the printer.  I sit NEAR it. This does not qualify me in any way as a expert.  Fucking dig around inside it yourself.
3. The smells from the kitchen.  Oh really?  You're leftover shrimp fried rice?!  TASTY! And soooo fucking refreshing after being nuked for 5 minutes....mmmmm.
4. The air freshener that the receptionist bathes kitchen in POST shrimp fried rice (or really, post anything. I'd MUCH rather smell Philip's apple oatmeal than that sickening, crappy, gets caught in your throat, spray)
5. The constant traffic behind me (see: 1 and 2 - near back door and printer). Let me do some online shopping now and then in PEACE
6. Announcements on where you're going.  Umm. If you are leaving go out the FRONT door and tell the receptionist.  I do NOT care where you are going especially when it's to the bathroom. Really? Just leave quietly and try not to disturb me.
7. 800 good mornings.  I know I know. This is my own anti socialness but really, NO ONE else has to say good morning to EVERY PERSON as the walk in the door.  If you want a greeting, I suggest the front.



Monday, April 20, 2009

To whomever has turned up my toddler's master volume:

could you please turn him down?  He suddenly gotten waaaayyyy too loud.  I don't know how much more I can take of hearing him scream, "MOOOMMMMM!  MOOOMMMM!  MOOOOOMMMMMM!"  at the top of his little lungs.  For having such little lungs, he has darn good scream. 
 
 
P.S. I am thankful to have him, though.  Screaming or not. 
 
P.P.S. I am not going to cut his mullet.  It's his baby hair and I'm really attached to it.  No, it's not your business if my child gets his hair cut, so butt out.  And ha-ha on you:  I get to run my fingers through his long, silky, golden locks. 

how did she become the boss?

How is that I, the adult in this situation am completely cowed and bullied and bossed by her the two year old who whines in the most mind numbingly painful tone, cries so loud I'm sure the neighbors thing I'm whipping her with a garden hose and repeatedly covers my mouth while I'm talking and tells me to "stop talking?" I used to be able to take a firmer stance and come out the victor, now I roll over like a drunk passed out on the curb at closing time.

15 Word Whine

If our son is fevered, don't come tell ME so I can give him Advil.

Hey hemorrhoid, can you please get off my ass?



Isn't traffic bad enough without you riding my bumper?  It's Monday, I'm already annoyed, do I really need to deal with you on my tail?  Do you think your lovely little hand gestures I see in my rear view are going to make me hurry up?  If you would be so intelligent as to look a few cars ahead you would clearly see a whole lane of cars directly in front of us. Unless you want me to go all Inspector Gadget and get some groovy little car wings, you my impatient friend are SOL.  Deal with it, and wait like everyone else.  Moron.  Oh and BTW, the hand motions make me go much more slowly. 

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Damn Neighbour and His DOGS

Neighbour has 9 dogs. They bark. Incessantly. At other dogs. At themselves. At him. At ME. I LIVE HERE. I am ALLOWED to walk up my OWN PATH. They crap all over his (small) garden. He picks it at MOST once a month. And flicks it over the back fence to land right beside my yard. It STINKS.

He also has SEVEN cats. They slink into my garden and crap in the flower borders. And by the pool. And they piss ON MY PORCH.

Apparently he also keeps parrots, ferrets, chinchillas, some revolting reptiles and huge tanks of fish. I can detect the stench from here.

And he's not even NICE. Just fat and slobby and wears dirty baggy sweatpants, grubby t-shirts (though I believe perhaps I should not be using the plural here. I think it's just the one), and always misses bits when he shaves. And he sprays saliva when he talks.

If I could shoot, he would have considerably less animals.

grrr.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Stop repeating yourself!

Why do people insist on make stupid comments? For instance:  “What are you doing on the computer, looking for the end of the internet?”  A response only puts me on the same stupid level and is a waste of breath. Since the comment didn’t get a response.  It must be repeated. Why??

 It happens all the time.  I listen to the comments people throw at me and almost all are just stupid things so people can hear their own voice. Then when they don’t get the laugh or whatever it is they are looking for..they repeat it.  Stop repeating yourselves.  Really, it’s very annoying. 

A Crowded NYC Sidewalk

is just like a deserted island, or a meadow. So feel free to stop suddenly in the middle of it. Because no one will bump into you and it's certainly not annoying.

Both kids told me

that I am super bossy and am always telling them what to do and nagging them.
And I'm like "that's totally redundant" and they're like "YOU CAN'T CALL PEOPLE RETARDED".

And a by the way? If people did what I told them to do the first time, I wouldn't have to nag.

Law of the Universe

If a very small dog pees on the kitchen floor in the night, I must step in it. In socks.

Friday, April 17, 2009

I'm either pregnant or PMSing...

I'm starving all the time.  Except when I'm too tired to eat -- which is pretty much every afternoon.  I feel vaguely bloated (which probably has nothing to do with the nightly rice krispie treats/chips and salsa).  I'm irritable.  I'm exhausted, bone-numbingly so.  And this is Friday night and my lovely monthly visitor was supposed to arrive this past Monday.  But the pregnancy test was negative.  And the husband is very sure we are done producing offspring.  And preventive methods have been used.  So of course I can't tell him that I fear that "Oops!" might be around.  Especially when there is no concrete evidence I AM pregnant.  There's just also no proof that I AM NOT.  This is going to be a loooong weekend.

Oh crap. I have always had bad timing...

Just planned a big fun weekend; hotel, shopping, drinks...

Hubby just called. Guess who got laid off?

Sticky
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Post Anonymously

Here's another co-worker whine--I'm tired of you working so hard at getting out of work! Do you honestly believe that because you have the most seniority that you are entitled to some special treatment? Your job is the same as mine, so get off your ass and do something. And that doesn't mean walking around with a handful of papers pretending to be doing something with them. You have no more responsibilty than I do and if you asked OUR boss you would find out that you are really the office clown. Truth be told, I came in with more years experience and therefore make more money than you do--so--who has the last laugh????

Diet

I'm starting to doubt the nutritional value of croissants.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

It's Probably My Fault, But I'd Rather Blame Someone Else

I’ve had very, very little sleep for night after night, and I ingested WAY too much caffeine today.

I don’t feel very well.

And I can’t go home because I’m out of sick leave.

Dear Dull Co-Worker

Yes, I have cheerios. I have cheerios EVERY DAY. Every single day since you have worked here I have eaten cheerios for breakfast. So why is that every single day you ask me in that slow boorish boring tone of yours "Got you some Cheerios?" YES! A MILLION TIMES YES! I HAVE F'ING CHEERIOS! Today and everyday for the rest of eternity I have cheerios! I do not want to discuss my breakfast with you. I also do not care to discuss the weather, your bunions, or the new color of beige you are painting your already beige living room. You are the most boring person alive (you are alive right? Sometimes I can't tell). Please just don't speak.

Since I'm on a rolll...

What kind of grandmother loses her granddaughter's hamster while we're on vacation and never calls to tell us, so that my kids are hysterical when they come home to find an empty cage? 
 
My crazy fucking mother-in-law, that's who. 
 
 

Thanks for Telling Me

The best time to realize you have food in your teeth is when you're in the elevator leaving work (circa 6pm), when you haven't eaten anything since NOON and you've been in at least three meetings that afternoon.  Freakin' sweet.
 
 
 

So what?

So, what if I was half running through the lobby of the pediatrician's office because we were late for our appointment?  So what if I had a baby on my hip and three others close behind?  So what if two of my kids were coated in mud and one was crying because they tripped over eachother running to be the first to push the handicapped button that opens the doors?  So what if you heard me yelling at them for running and getting all dirty right before we have to face an office full of stern nurses?  Did you have to make that snide remark:  "Looks like somebody has their hands full?"  kind of under your breath, but loud enough because you wanted me to hear you judging me?  You're lucky I'm the kind of mom that didn't want my kids to hear me say to you:  "Good thing I've got your tax dollars to feed all these babies and pay for this doctor's visit, too!" just to piss you off because I know that's what you were thinking.  You fucking prick. 

Thanks a lot.

I know you can't be bothered to take a day off work to stay home with your kid while she is sick. I know your appointments and meetings and conference calls are so important. I know it's so much easier to bring her over to my house and pay me to deal with it instead. I hope that none of my FOUR kids ends up catching this disgusting diarrhea that you brought over here today, though, because I will NOT be babysitting yours when MY kids are sick, assholes.

post anonymously

Dear coworker:
 
When you don't wash your hands after you take a piss, and then put your hands all over the phone that is next to my mouth ALL DAY, it is disgusting.  If you want me to be respectful of your time, you need to start being respectful of other people and practicing basic hygiene.  And stop bathing in someone's dead grandmother's perfume.  It makes me want to throw up right on your ugly open toed shoes with nude panty-hose feet. 
 

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

anonymous whine

Dear nurse at the pediatrician's office,
 
Your first question was "How soon can you get here?"
 
I replied "2:45"
 
Why, then, was your next question "Can you get them here by 2:30?"  Did you just ignore my answer completely?  Did you think I was lying?  Why did you bother asking if you weren't going to pay attention to the answer?
 
I can't wait to find a new practice where the people are not idiots.

Crazy Bitches, All of Them

 
I'm Kate, and I'm not stating my full name or my blog name on the chance that a crazy bitch might Google me and find this.

My secret spineless whine is that I am tired of having crazy, psychotic bitches for bosses. I swear that I am a magnet for them. With the exception of my very first boss who was the nicest woman I know, every boss I've ever had has had "issues."
 
My last boss for example, made everything personal. She was demanding and hard to please, but also wanted to be buddies with everyone. This doesn't work so well when you are telling people that their performance is sub par. But even if she was justified in her criticism, she always brought emotions into it. You have to pick: Are you a tough cookie, ball buster or are you a touchy feely, sensitive type? You can't be both! She once brought me into her office for a sit down, come to Jesus, character assassination based on the fact that at the conference we just held, I was - wait for it - "friendlier" to other people than I was to her. I can honestly say that I had NO idea what she was talking about. CRAZY BITCH.
 
Then there is my current boss who is famous around the office for her own brand of crazy. She is the micro manager who complains about how she has to micro manage everything. She creates such a chaotic and stressful work environment that mistakes are inevitable. And then she has the nerve to tell me that even though "90% of everything may be great, it's the other 10% that's the problem." Does that mean that everything should be 100% perfect? This might be okay for her to decree if she did everything perfectly - but believe me, she does not. And she actually creates some of the problems that she rages over. I've seen her take a perfectly good binder of material that was not set up as she expected it to be, and then rearrange it into such a mess that she ultimately had a coronary about how everything was out of order. It reminded me of that scene from This Is Spinal Tap, where Nigel is all coked up and paranoid and freaking out about he had to fold cold cuts to fit into the mini bread slices on the catering table:
 
NIGEL: There's a problem here...I don't even know where to start...look at this - this miniature bread. It's like...I've been working with this for about a half an hour now...I can't figure it out... IAN: You'd like bigger bread? NIGEL: Exactly! I don't understand how... IAN: You could just fold it though... NIGEL: Well now [folding bread, not cold cuts] then it's half the size  IAN: Fold the meat. NIGEL: Yeah, [folding bread with cold cuts in it] but then it breaks apart like this. IAN: Well, no - put it on the bread like this...see? NIGEL: But then [not listening and continuing to fold bread] if you keep folding it, it keeps breaking... IAN: Why would you keep folding it? NIGEL: Everything has to be folded - and then [letting Ian show him how to fold cold cuts to fit into the mini bread] and then it's this...and I don't want this...I want large bread so that I can put this, so then it's like this, but then it doesn't work, 'cause then it's all [holds mini bread with large cold cut hanging out of it]... IAN: 'Cause it hangs out like that... NIGEL: Look - would you be holding this? IAN: No, I wouldn't want to eat that. NIGEL: Alright, exhibit A - then we move onto this...Look - look! Who's in here? [holding up a green olive without a pimento in it] No one. And then in here [holding up a green olive WITH a pimento] there's a little guy. It's a complete catastrophe! IAN: No, no your right. NIGEL: No really, it's not big deal...it's a joke...it's a joke... IAN: I really don't want it to affect your performance. NIGEL: It's not going to affect my performance. Don't worry about it alright?...It DOES disturb me. But I rise above it. I'm a professional.
 
Sorry for the long Spinal Tap quote, but it's just EXACTLY what it feel like dealing with this crazy woman. And as with most crazy people, the most frustrating thing about it is that she thinks SHE is the reasonable one. She's loves to seize upon my perceived mistakes and say, "I saw this and I'M not even a [insert my title here]." Then I think, "yeah, well I'M not even a lawyer [which she is] and I watch you do crazy, sue-able things all the time."

Honestly? I've never been one to wish ill on people. If I really hate someone, I generally just want to walk away from them. I even felt that way about my last crazy boss - who was REALLY crazy. But this one has pushed me to my limit. I've started having vicious fantasies about her death or suffering that range from running her over in my car to making online Wicca friends who can put hexes on her. At the very least, I picture pushing her down a flight of cement steps, oh...every five minutes...
 
If I get fired (because he's like the Red Queen: "Off with their heads!") then you may see more writing activity on my personal blog. But if you don't see anything from me in a week or two, you may have to assume that I've been put in jail for first degree murder or have possibly been burned at the stake by Fundamentalists who discovered my pact with the devil to give that crazy bitch leprosy.

I'm of course, not REALLY serious about the violent stuff - or the wicca - but it does give me some sick satisfaction to think about it. This is what the crazy bitch has driven me to. Thank you for listening to me whine.

 

Featured Whine: Memo

MEMO

April 12, 2009

From: Anymommy

To: My Midwife

Re: Iron pills

In reference to our last meeting of April 6, 2009, wherein we reviewed my blood test results and you noted that my iron levels were 'shockingly low.' You asked for follow-up regarding the question of why I steadfastly refuse to follow your advice to take iron supplements.

After some research, I have recalled the correct response.

They are constipating as all hell.

cc: My husband
Baby in Utero

Anonymous Whine, Please

My dearest brother and sister-in-law,

 

I agreed to watch your children because I am a stay-at-home mom and because daycare costs are way too high for your budget to handle. Yet you can afford to go out to dinner 4 nights a week and to a really nice dinner and a movie on Saturday. But that's ok. I love your children. And I love that, because we don't waste money eating out every day, your children eat vegetables and fruits and healthy meals and snacks at my house.

 

Your children are learning and developing at a greater rate than some other children in part because I spend time reading to and with them, exploring nature, making crafts, running science experiments, taking them to the zoo and the museum and swimming and gymnastics (on my dime) and art classes sesame street on ice and gardening groups and . . . You get the picture. Or maybe you don't.

 

When my child is sick, I am courteous enough to let you know in case you'd prefer to keep yours home . . . And when you invariably tell me you don't want to take a day off work, I take care of my own sick child as well as your children. And it is not easy trying to keep them apart so yours don't get sick. Yet you actually lie to me when yours are sick (since I've made it clear you may not bring them to me if they are) and then act so surprised (and inconvenienced) when I call to let you know he/they threw up.

 

When we made our arrangement, I very generously agreed to a schedule of 7:30-4:00. This gives you thirty minutes to drive the six residential blocks to work and another twenty to drive back afterward. So why is it you routinely ring my bell at 7:10? Why do you consistently arrive at 4:15 - or worse, call to say you got busy talking and need to do "one more thing" which inevitably keeps you away until 5:00? And why (dear god, why?!) Do you excuse yourself by telling me, "well, I figured you wouldn't mind, since you're just sitting around at home." um, remember the woman who gave birth to us and who can no longer take care of herself and her house? Guess who does it for her now. And see this small human at my side? He must eat before sports practice. And see this lovely abode behind me? It must be cleaned and maintained.

 

But what really chaps my a$$? You lied to me last weekend when you said you were both sick and asked me if I could please take care of your kids. Instead of staying home puking and sitting on the toilet, like you told me you were, you were out shopping and "taking a much-needed break from the kids," as you told your coworker. Who is my best friend, you idiot!

 

There are six more weeks of school and then summer vacation. You don't know this yet, but you have that much time to find another child care provider. Idiots.

 

Love always,

Your devoted sister

Parking Whine

Stop parking in MY place.  I mean, I realize the space doesn’t have my name on it.  But, I’ve been parking there for like 8 freakin’ years.  So.  It’s.  MINE!

 

You young new apartment dwellers just moved here like a year ago and don’t seem to understand the rules.  Respect your not so elderly, OCD neighbors who have been living here for years, and will continue to do so long after you have moved on, and park in those spaces over there  . . . under the tree . . . that the birds live in . . . so they crap on your car. 

 

When I get home from a long day at the j-o-b, I want to pull into MY space.  When I see your car in MY spot, I want to drive into it anyway.  But, I grit my teeth and pull into another, less comfortable for me and my routine, space . . . and go to my apt and drink heavily (which is going to happen regardless of where I park).

 

When you are so presumptuous  as to park in MY space, do it right.  You’re driving a Hyundai sedan not a tank.  You don’t need all that extra space surrounding your vehicle.

 

Parking Peeved

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

TRUST?

My husband has a bitch from hell ex wife and some damn ungrateful kids! I have never done a damn thing to them or her and I am the bad guy? Fuck Yall!

I hate that you ran away, far away, when I was little and my sister was just a baby. You only ever visited us when you happened to be visiting your parents and because your mother made you, you left a scar that not even the world’s best stepdad could heal. No matter how much I try to focus on what I do have and the positive things in my life like my health, etc some mornings I wake up filled with hatred for you. I used to think you were cool but now that I’ve gotten older I am starting to realize that most of the bad decisions I have made in my life relate to men and my own insecurity, and only after getting older have I had time to reflect on the fact that I believe your absence is the cause of the poor choices I and my sister have made in our lives. We were never good enough for you to care about us, to be there for us. We didn’t matter – we were only a responsibility, an inconvenience. You were off playing a world away without a care in the world. We both chose people – over and over again - who were full of problems and abused us. We knew we were better than those people and didn’t really need them and if the bad men we chose left us (because all men leave don’t they) well then, it would be okay because they didn’t deserve us anyway. On the other hand we both felt incomplete without a man, so we’d grab all the derelicts that came our way, just so we wouldn’t be alone. If they did leave who cares because they didn’t deserve us, but maybe just maybe they’d stay because they needed us. So as Loretta in Moonstruck said “I’ll come to your funeral in a red dress”. Or maybe I won’t come at all.


**********************************************************************
During a lovely long lunch with a 'friend', upon learning another friend had broken up with her boyfriend she actually said to me 'but she's beautiful and stunning - if she can't get a boyfriend, what hope do you have' without any hint of irony or any idea how offensive and insulting that is. Thanks, next time why don't you tell me what you really think. Bitch.

Ummm, excuse me? I don't know how to tell you this but . . .

I spent the entire day at work trying to find a private moment with my supervisor to give her my notice.  Unfortunately, "privacy" is an imaginary concept at my job. 
 
Oh yeah.  And I'm spineless.  So I didn't tell her.
 
There's always tomorrow, right?
 
 

Monday, April 13, 2009

Dear Geo Metro driver:

It's stopped school buses you aren't supposed to pass. Stopped garbage trucks are fair game. Encouraged even.

Dear Family

We have roughly a million mugs.  Hint:  the one that says Marinka is mine.  The ones that don't say Marinka are yours.  I can see how that can be confusing.  Maybe I should wrap my mug in barbed wire or something.

Bo.

I'm so fucking sick and tired of hearing about the Obamas' new dog.  Do the news shows really need to have a similar dog in-studio while they talk about the dog a.g.a.i.n.?  E-freaking-nough.


I never expected any better...

Dear Ex-friend
I am sorry. I'm sorry your marrying a douche bag. I'm sorry that you have not expended the energy necessary to uphold our relationship. I'm sorry that you have been neglecting our friendship for about 6 years now. I'm sorry you only call me when you need something. I'm sorry that your douche bag called me and was a complete ass to me. I'm sorry that I refuse to be walked on. I'm sorry that I think he's cheating on you. I'm sorry to tell you that if hes not getting it from you he's getting it somewhere else. I'm sorry I refused to invite Slutty McSlutstein into my home, but I was afraid she would get herpes on the couch. I am sorry that I was forced by your and your d-bag fiances behavior to drop out of your wedding. Mostly I'm sorry that you are writing all of this off as a mental illness on my part. How DARE you tell me to "seek help" Last time I checked, standing up for myself was not a sign of depression.  Refusing to let you and that assholl you are marrying walk all over me is not a cry for help. I am sorry that he is ruining your life (and I think that you even know that...yet you continue) I've tried to talk to you about all of this. I've begged you to get pre-marital counceling. The fact that you dont even know how much money he makes or how much debt he has is a REALLY BAD sign. The fact that he comes home drunk with condoms in his pockets at 2 AM is a worse sign. And the fact that he wont talk to you about ANYTHING is the worst sign of all. You can rationalize all you want by saying its my problem but you are headed for a brick wall at about 100 mph. I've tried to slow you down for years and you never listen. Now this. Im not going to feel sorry for you when you finally do hit the wall, and belive me, it's coming. Probably sooner than you think. And the saddest thing of all...I never expected any better from you.
Im out.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter

My husband of 17 years didn't get me an Easter Egg.
He realised at 3:30pm and said he was going to Tesco to "buy something for tea"
I explained that Tesco was closed today, all day.
He said "Oh, never mind then"

I don't bite, I swear!

Why do people always assume I do not like them?

I'm just shy, is all. And when I'm shy, I just smile and hardly talk.

And I've had at least three people in the last couple months admit to me that they thought I hated them.

I don't, really! It just takes me a while to talk, is all.

Patience.

What do you want me to do, yell "I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I THINK YOU'RE COOL! IN CASE YOU THOUGHT I HATED YOU!"

Silly gooses.
:)

http://www.thewaterbottleblog.blogspot.com

Reverse Mullet

Can someone please explain this hairstyle to me?

You know what I'm talking about.
Party in the front; business in the back. (a la Kate on John and Kate plus 8)

What is it about ladies (especially blondes for some reason) that would make them want to cut their hair really short in back and leave long pieces up front?

It's as if they're saying, "Look, I only see myself from the front so I'm not going to worry about any other angle. I ain't got the time, ok?"

And then they just spike it up in back with a bunch of hair gel and spray as if to concede, "Ok, so you've seen the back of my hair. Step any closer and my head will shoot sharp quills at you. Move around me so you can see me from the front. That's better."

It scares me. What gives?

Grass Freaks

My neighbors drove a truck through my grass -- between our houses -- four times to take out some trees. They didn't ask. They didn't apologize. Ironically, they are anal about their yard. If we did this they would have flipped out. Assholes.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Fwd: Potty Mouth

Just sending in this whine to get "Fucking" off my fucking blogroll. Holy fucking shit! I come here to curse since I decided to have a curse free blog (what was I thinking). I've done pretty well so far, with only a few slips...but this is the first time I've got FUCKING up there :)

 

The Other Boufs

Fucking Nature

omg, I'm in NC, and it's so beautiful here but I was woken up at like 6 AM by the birds chirping. How do people live like this? I mean, I'm so used to the police-ambulance-fire truck sirens in NYC, it's downright soothing, but BIRDS?!

what, you're too good for the Secret Spineless Whine now?

It seems that the Russian spammers have foresaken us. Sniff.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Fwd: Catholic Guilt

Why is it that every holiday i fight with my inner evil about going to church? For all of your out there, I have been brought up Catholic. Ugh. All you other Catholics know what i am talking about. I get enough shame and finger wagging that i don't drag myself and child to church on a weekly basis. We have become the "show up on holidays family". I know, we aren't the only ones. I know our secret society is larger than it appears. I still get this "guilty" feeling. I hate it. I made a deal with my 13 year old, we would skip Palm Sunday Mass...which is a slightly longer mass...and attend the Easter Sunday Mass. I made said agreement with the understanding that there would be no eye rolling, or long exaggerated huffs during said Mass. (these rules apply to both of us) I know i should just suck it up, it is only 1 hour of my pathetic life, but the Catholic Mass is so.....boring.....truly boring. I sit there, mind wondering, thinking the most deceitful,horrible thoughts. These thoughts ONLY seem to reveal themselves in Church actually i think they THRIVE. Do you see where my inner evil comes out? Why can't i just have God in my heart, and live with good morals and call it a day? Why must I feel that i must attend a building with 100's of others to secure my place in heaven? Not that i have a snowballs chance in Hell of that.....my name is on a hand basket on the one way highway south. I think I need to convert.........is there a religion out there that applauds divorced, woman who love to drink and curse????

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I am Not a Party-Planner

It's a three-day weekend, people. I'm single, and I'm bored, and I know you guys can't possibly have too much exciting going on because ITS A THURSDAY. Therefore when I send an email to the 20 of you who are always like 'let's do happy hour more often' suggesting that we have a happy hour, why does only one of you say 'yes'?
Were you kidding about wanting to have happy hours? Or do you just not like me? I'm pretty convinced it's the latter, because I take these things very personally.
And sitting at home tonight is not going to get me a boyfriend any faster.
Maybe the underlying issue is that I fucking hate family holidays, because I don't have a family to celebrate them with.

Choker

My parents gave me a gift-- a beautiful choker. Except when I put it on, I can't breathe. I mentioned it to my mother and she said "that's because your neck is fat." It's a gift that keeps on giving.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Mostly Wordless Whining

You know those short decorative posts in parking garages?
I fucking hate them. Like $600 worth of hate.

Dear Inept Coworkers

Just because the "in box" is on my desk does not mean that its contents are my sole responsibility. Neither does it mean that you should get things off the fax machine and just bring them over and drop them in the in box and expect me to do them while you go play pong or spend 45 min on a personal phone call or whatever the hell it is you are doing over there. Items treated in this manner will find their way back to your desk. Further more, when I leave in the afternoon and you then proceed to dump paperwork that you could easily do yourself in the "in box" and leave it for me to do in the morning, it makes me want to hurt you. Just do your job and we will all get along fine.

Dear Miniskirt

I realize that it is April and technically Spring. However, that does not change the fact that it its 39 degrees and SNOWING! Put some damn clothes on you idiot. Its not sexy if your legs are turning blue.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

How DARE you.

To tell me I do not give a shit about my friends because I don't get involved in their drama is complete crap. The problems my friends have is out of my power to help them. If I could help them without them getting into trouble, I would. But it's impossible. You, on the other hand, get so caught up in your friend's bullshit that you get all depressed and angry or you blame yourself.

You do not believe how angry you got me when you told me I'm careless, that my friends don't matter to me. Well, excuse me, Mr. I-let-people-drag-me-into-their-problems-because-I-think-it's-the-right-thing-to-do. You are the one who is full of shit because you think you can solve everything. NEWFLASH: YOU'RE NOT SUPERMAN. Sometimes it's just best to stay out of people's lives, Dr. Phil. You probably just make matter's worse.

So for you to tell me, you jerk, that I don't care about my friend's because I steer clear of any type of drama? Is just cold. Grow up and go mow the lawn like Mom told you to do.

To the Lady I drive behind to work - every day.

Hey Lady in the gold Yukon,

For some reason I seem to get in traffic behind you every day.

Maybe we leave the house at the same time; maybe Im just drawn to the shiny-ness of your 10-ton mommy-mobile. Nevertheless, there you are, in front of me, driving so maddeningly slow I could rip off my own arm and beat myself to death with it from the frustration.

Ive read all of your bumper stickers a million times:

Not your typical soccer mom!

I [heart] Sharpeis!

Got twins?

(Good grief)

What I dont get is the little stick figures youve pasted to your rear window. Man, woman, kid, kid, smaller kid, dog, fish. (Seriously fish).

So, you have a family. Congratulations. So do we all.

What you should paste to your back window is two old people fucking. Because that the way you drive. Now get out of my way.

</rant>

Monday, April 6, 2009

For god's sake go to bed then I can get some stuff done!

Well, in the past few months I've been upset because I know BIFF's forgotten my birthday, right up until my mum brought my gifts round a couple of days before, tipping him off that he needed to get a gift.
And then it was because he was forgetting Mothers Day.

And, of course, there's been all the other crap that he's done that he shouldn't have done, and the stuff that he didn't do that he should have done...

And, he forgot his sister's birthday on the 4th April - and, based on the fact that none of his family even sent me a card, I didn't get her anything, but out of shameful guilt, I posted a "Happy Birthday" on her FaceBook wall.... which she didn't even do on my birthday.... I didn't want our mutual friends thinking badly of me for not saying anything, since I went to college with her and we used to be good friends...

Anyway, I digress...

Today's whines are these...

  • BIFF today announced that he was going away on a Scout Camp, with 15yr old son.
That in itself, I don't have a problem with.
The issues are this:
He's told 8yo son that "it's not really a camp that he can go with them to" - which is a lie, I know that other Leaders take their kids of all ages.
It begins on Friday 19th June, and ends Sunday 21st June.

On Friday 19th June, it is 8yo's birthday, and he becomes a 9yo. How can a father willfully go away on his youngest son's birthday, and not take that son with him?
The only thing that I can think is that he's forgotten that it's the birthday that day.

  • BIFF considers himself to be our sons' "main carer" meaning that he does all the stuff for them both... and he considers we're "role-reversed" meaning that I work to financially support the family, and he does all the "housewifey" stuff...

Except it doesn't work like that.

I've just started 2 weeks off from work, and I'm spending the 2 weeks (that coincide with the kids' schools Easter Holidays) tidying, cleaning & scrubbing the house. Because in the whole time that we've lived here, he's not done it. He's never done anything more than push a vacuum round. My house is a complete tip. I'm ashamed to live here. I'm ashamed of being his wife. I'm ashamed that people look at the house and blame me for it, since it's traditionally "women's work" to keep it clean and tidy, even though they know that I work all day, all week.

So far, I've scrubbed down the porch (including using a stanley knife blade to scrape old, dried cat food off things - gross!) and the entrance hallway, and done half of the kitchen - (I have pics of how he likes to keep the kitchen, and what I make the kitchen look like when I'm in charge of the housework - http://endlesstether.blogspot.com/2009/04/how-he-keeps-kitchen-how-i-like-kitchen.html )

As soon as he goes to bed, I'm starting on the other half of the kitchen.... then when its all done... I'm inviting as many people as possible round for coffee, so they can see how I like to keep the house - making sure that as many of the people who've seen the horrible state that the house is normally in see the change!

Secret Spineless Whine

Boobs

It’s not bad enough that every year you get bigger and bigger, also succumbing more to gravity each year as well. While my husband thinks it’s great, I don’t. My back hurts, a lot. And I’d love for him, who bitches about finding pants, to try and experience the joy of bra shopping for 36 I size breasts. Yes you read that right fellow whiners 36 I.

Luckily my favorite bra brand Cacique makes a 38 H which does the job…for now. Till they F’in grow again. But trust me when I say that NO store carries this, and I have to shop online.

Now to top this off, I’ve found a lump, maybe two.

See the OBGYN tomorrow, so he can cop a feel.

The only silver lining I can see is maybe I can get a breast reduction out of this (36 C/D here I come!), which will tick my husband off, who Doesn’t have to lug them around by the way. If his balls were the size of cantaloupes we’d see how quick to judge he’d be about my desire for smaller tata’s.

Fuck.

Featured Whine: When Your Vagina Misbehaves

Andrea of The Sweet Life is our featured whiner. With a nod to her vagina, of course!

Have you ever noticed that things like yeast infections come around at the most inopportune times? I mean, it's never convenient, but why don't you ever get one, say, the morning you plan on seeing your doctor anyway?

Why is it that they seem to spring up at a time when you don't have control over your own schedule? For example, maybe it will pop up while you're sitting on a jury. Anyone know the proper protocol for dealing with an itchy cooch when you're in an elevated seat in open court for 8 hours a day?

Or, perhaps you discover its arrival when your children are so ill you don't dare take them out, even for a quick run to the drug store. You try to make a solo run when your husband is home, but the kids cling to your legs, insisting that they need you. You sit there, covered in your children's snot and vomit, suffering from crotch rot because you're not about to ask your husband to pick you up some monistat. Make him buy tampons, sure, but vag cream? That's crossing the line.


Not that he doesn't want the nastiness to pass just as quickly as you do. The longer it lingers, the more time he has to spend alone with a bottle of lotion. But imagining him standing in the feminine hygiene aisle, trying to figure out why you asked for the 3 day box when the 1 day would get him some action just that much quicker, makes you determined to keep him out of the process all together.

As time passes, your cooter feels more and more like a festering petri dish. You finally complained enough that your best girlfriend drove across town get your hands on some goo and make a bee line for the bathroom. And damn, you never knew you'd be so happy to have that dreaded stuff in your grubby little hands.


"Forget R-O-L-A-I-D-S," you mumble, pants around your ankles. "I spell relief M-O-N-I-S-T-A-T".