Monday, September 28, 2009

how far would you go?

I have been crazy about you for 17 years. I talk to your sister, your brothers and your parents fairly regularly, even though we all live 800 miles apart now. You have never been as closely involved with anyone as you have with me. You changed your phone number in July and still haven't bothered to tell me the new one.
 
I got a postcard today from a guy I had one date with two months ago. He lost his phone (and my number) in a river and wanted to make sure that I knew he hadn't blown me off. Asked me to please call.
 
You are history.
 
-anonymous

Saturday, September 26, 2009

mother in law torment

I KNEW I shouldn't have shown her how to use facebook. Now that woman can say ruder terrible things in a public forum. And my family is starting to dislike her more then I do.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I sure wish my 3 year old could type... then I could put her on this blog and she wouldn't have to whine at me all day long...

15 word whine

Supposed to start my sales job today. All my clothes have yellow crayon on them.

Enough already!

Dear Germaphobe,

Just because I work in a health club doesn't mean I'm full of germs. Just because it's a gym doesn't we don't clean it within an inch of it's life all. day. long. Just because you work in a hospital that has had a swine flu death doesn't mean you can come preach to me every day about keeping things germ-free. It's a gym. We're going to have germs. Even if we disinfect every surface with gin, vodka, and fire, we're still going to have germs.

I get it. I really, really do. But I do not need daily reminders from you about how contagious swine flu is. Oh excuse me, Mrs. CDC, H1N1. But guess what? If you're going to get swine flu, you're probably going to get it while at work at the hospital, not necessarily at the gym. And guess what else? There are usually way more scary germs than swine flu floating around most gyms. Want me to elaborate? No? I didn't think so.

So please. I beg you. Stop harassing me about the damn swine flu or I'll go out, kiss a sick pig, get it on purpose, and then sneeze on you.

Much thanks,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Gym Manager

Monday, September 21, 2009

I am sick and my cat just threw up

top that, whiners.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Insane killers get field trips to the state fair.
If I'm lucky today, I might get to go to the dry cleaners.

Friday, September 18, 2009

why can't people return phone calls?

is it me, or does it bother you when you call someone and they NEVER return your call? so you give up and try sending a text. maybe they can't hear their phone ringing, maybe they don't know how to access the voicemail..but today, most people know how to open, read and then respond to a text. you even stress in both the voicemail AND the text that it is time sensitive what you must relay to them. and they still don't reply. what the hell is up with that? so what do you do? try to leave a detailed message in the mere four freaking minutes you are allotted in the voicemail? hang up and call back, giving yourself the gift of an additional four minutes? wonder if they are sitting and looking at their phones ring, light up or vibrate, with your number shown on the caller id? why don't they just answer the damned thing, take the call, and be done with it.
well, I am beginning to wonder if I should just say <strike> f*#$k< /strike> screw you! YOU figure it out then...and if it bites you in the ass, you only have yourself to blame.
there. ((whew)) I think I feel better.
but I really don't.
damn it.

I'm such an idiot!

These are tough times for a lot of people. A LOT of people. And a lot of people...like me...are just waiting for something good to happen. Something to fall into place nicely and neatly.
We've been living around the corner from our ex-home...our dream home. It's had been over a year the the house had not been foreclosed on, so for the next 8 months we 'worked' with the bank to see if they could do something out to help us get it back. I know, I know...a lot of people have a lot of opinions on this subject, but please know that not everyone bought beyond their means....some of us ended up with extenuating circumstanced that left us unable to make our payments. And until you've walked in the shoes that loose you your home...please don't judge. Anyway, after a stupid clerical mistake where someone closed our file at the bank...the file we worked so hard to build....our ex-house was sold at auction. The End.
So now we are in a rental house, around the corner from the ex-house that has been a two year heartache. I want out of the neighborhood. NOW! And I definitely want to move before my oldest starts kindergarten next year.
We've set our sights on a great subdivision and I've been scanning the internet daily (okay, a million times a day) to see if any rentals have opened up. I was excited today to see that there was one posted on craigslist....right size...right price...beautiful! I contacted the person right away and received an auto-response, with a link to a website with more information about the house. There was an area to fill out your name and email and submit it if you were interested in setting up an appointment to see the house. So I did that. There was also a link to pull your credit reports which are required when you go to see the house. I didn't do that.
Being the obsessive compulsive person I am, I did a mad search on the internet to see if I could find alternative contact information for either the owner or property manager, based on what little information I had. I searched for an hour. On page 4 of my last google search, I find another craigslist post....from another city clear across the states...and guess what...it's a fraudulent post...and these people are going from city to city getting people to use their link for the credit reports and then stealing their identity. UGH!
I'm a smart educated woman. I am also very trusting. I feel like such an idiot that I allowed myself to get so extremely excited about this house. I would have filled out the forms. Had they contacted me and said that the credit reports were all they needed....I would have done it...no questions asked!!! I would have fallen for their stupid scam, and my life that is already in a state of shambles would have gotten 100x's worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY thankful that I found the post about the fraud...but I'm equally as pissed off at myself for almost falling for it. Or for even knowing that I would have fallen for it hook, line and sinker.
And the thing is....I don't want to be a cynical, paranoid, un-trusting person. But can I learn to be more cautious? Is there a happy medium, or am I just living in the wrong era?
I just really wanted something good to happen today...
Anonymous

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Tell me I'm not the only one who googles old boyfriends

Lord only knows why, but in the past week, I've googled three old boyfriends and discovered:
  • One bought a house for $1.4 million 10 years ago – according to Zillow, it's now worth more than $3 million. Well, he did become a cardiologist.

  • The next lives in a $1.5 million house (yeah, found his home address), with his wife (whose name I found out) and three daughters (unknown names). He's also a doctor, and makes house calls. For real. And he's actually better looking than he used to be – because, yeah, I found a photo.

  • The last one I looked up paid $1.4 million for a house two years ago (yeah, that municipality posts all of the real estate transactions on-line), is married (for the second time, because I'd known about the divorced first wife), and has two children (whose names and ages I know because they were listed in the obit of his new wife's mother). He's not a doctor, he's a tenured professor. And while his work headshot makes him look old, I found another (recent) picture of him looking as foxy as he did back in the day when I was running around with him.
What the hell is the matter with me? My husband has been underemployed for ever, my house will never be worth anywhere near a million bucks, and I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Whine, whine, whine.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Which Looks More Appetizing to You?

My breakfast cereal?



or

Nicki's litter box?



or are you having trouble telling them apart?

I see stupid people

[Aside: I asked my 6-year old niece the other day if she liked math. She replied, “Yeah….You know, sometimes I just like to sit around and count stupid people”. I should have taken her to the airport.]

So, I’m at the airport. In the security line. I’m next – and I love being next. The guy in front of me is wearing a thick, gaudy gold necklace Flavor Flav would be proud of. He walks through the sensors and of course it goes off. So, he removes the necklace and walks through with it in his hand. Jackass. The alarm sounds. Here’s the conversation that follows:

TSA Rep: “Sir, you’ll have to put that in the basket and send it through the scanner.”

Flavor Flav: “No, I don’t want to do that”

TSA Rep: “Sir, put it in the basket”

Flavor Flav: “No”

TSA Rep: “What’s the problem?”

Flavor Flav: “I don’t want to lose it.”

What exactly does he think happens in the TSA scanner? That he’s going to put his shitty necklace in there and a chicken will come out the other end? Chocolate chip cookies? A baby, perhaps? (Is that where they come from??) I’m dizzy with the possibilities…

That guy was stupid person #12. By the time I got on the plane, I had counted to 23.

I took your advice and. . .

I quit my job that had crappy hours (noon-6p when you have kids going to school for the first time in their lives after years of homeschooling is the pits) and yet I'm STILL working there. And feeling responsible to be there because they haven't found a replacement. So I'm still juggling babysitting, driving to afterschool activities, and life in general for MINIMUM wage. Yep, when the state of Ohio raised the minimum wage in January, I (a college grad) got a freakin' raise. How awsome is that? And my hubby is all like, "Why don't you just not go in?" And I'm all, "Well, my first job in a gazillion years and you, Mr. Responsible, don't get why I feel the need to leave my place of employment on good terms and the right way?" And he's all, "Well, yeah, but. . . ." So I guess responsibility only applies to men? I don't know.

Monday, September 14, 2009

My Starbucks guy has too much coffee every single day

and is super annoying.

He can't just announce the drinks that he's serving, he has to singsong the names "a lattaaaaaay for Saaaaanddddiiii!"

o.m.g.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I get really upset when people don't accurately use the words "Cloven Hoof"


I figure they were either educated by socialists or
were exposed to one at school

Fall Fashion Whine

Oh, sweet Lord.

I can't tell you what seeing these shoes does to me:



Because, really--who would wear that?

Someone will cloven hooves, that's who.

Monday, September 7, 2009

If I hear the phrase "car trouble" one more time...

My Dearest Hubs,

If we have to put one more dollar into your piece of shit car to "fix it", it's going to mysteriously roll into the river. I'm not saying I'm going to push it, I'm just saying somehow, someway, it will end up at the bottom of the Arkansas.

I know you're attached to this vehicle for insane reasons I am not meant to understand. I know you're not interested in having a new car payment. Hell, neither am I. However, if I have to (in)directly pay for one more of the Firestone children to go to college, I'm going to shit a brick. But hey, maybe it'll be a golden brick and you can use it to purchase yourself a new fucking ride. Or maybe I can attach it to the car when it rolls into the water. Any extra weight would keep it from floating, right?

-Your loving and adoring wife


Saturday, September 5, 2009

Not to get all political on y'all but...we have two wars, a deep recession, and a lot of countries catching up to us competitively -- and our big concern is about whether the President suggests to our kids that staying in school is a good idea. Really? Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with us?

Friday, September 4, 2009

Okay, so you two were going out for a year, which is a long time when we're only teenagers, and you loved each other a lot. And I understand that your breakup was messy and hard on you both, and I was there for you with an ear to listen to you, a shoulder to cry on, and a bucket to throw up into when you decided to drown your sorrows. Especially you, Girl. You are one of the closest friends I ever had and I would give you my boots to puke into if there wasn't a bucket and still love the fact that I'm with you.
But that was what, four, five months back. And things haven't got any better. You went through your period of separation, your reconciliation (ha!) and things are going in circles. You claim to cut off and then the next week you're having sex and taking each other out swimming and seeing films and then you upset each other and we have to piece you back together again, only for the circle to go around again. It's great that you're trying to be friends, but you need to sort this out, it's getting ridiculous.

Guy: face it, we don't really care. You only started talking to us after you broke up, because you thought it might help you stay with Girl if you were friends with us. We know that. I read your long posts about how you still love her and all, and I try to tell you it's going to be alright. But it gets boring always having to do that when you had a year to be friends and have good times together but only bothered when you wanted someone to angst to. And just so you know, no one could care less about the size of your penis. Seriously, being a girl does not automatically mean she's interested in that.

Girl: you need to tell him to stop thinking he still has a chance. He'll just carry on like this unless you tell him outright. Please. Then he'll stop being so irritating and clingy. Every time you let him pay for something, or hold you close, or have sex with you he starts thinking he loves you again. And also, stop being so viciously outspoken about men being stupid and useless and evil. I have friends who are guys, so do you, and let me tell you: in a way I get along with them better than I do with girls. You've had bad experiences, but it doesn't mean you have to verbally attack everyone with a Y chromosome every time Guy upsets you.

And to both of you: STOP FUCKING EACH OTHER!!! Can't you see it isn't doing either of you any favours? It works sometimes, the whole casual sex deal, but not with you. It's just making things even worse than they have to be.
Also, please stop being so dramatic about how love has been destroyed and now you don't love each other the world is an empty place. Because guess what? I've never been in love. The closest I've ever come to romance is snogging a drunken lesbian twice my age at a gig, and that was my first and only kiss. I have never been held close, I've never had anyone tell me that they love me, I've never even held hands with anyone.
And guess what? I am fine. I enjoy what I do. I am happy with my unrequited crush on a goth rock n roll musician, because I wouldn't know what to do with a boyfriend even if a guy was crazy enough to like me in that way. The only things I need to hold close to me are my bass guitars, and believe me, they are beautiful and would never hurt me. My heart beats faster only at gigs because I am in love with the sounds I hear.
It is a good life! I am doing just fine without sex and I'm sure you can do the same!

So you two, just learn to live as individuals again. Then maybe you won't fall apart every week and we can all just get on and enjoy our lives.


STOP BREATHING. Please.

Seriously. The way you are breathing right now is MAKING ME WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. I am sorry for the all-caps thing, but seriously. You are driving me crazy. Just breathe normally. You didn’t just run a marathon, you crossed the room and sat on the couch. And there is no need to make that weird snuffling noise when you eat yogurt, either.