Monday, September 28, 2009
I got a postcard today from a guy I had one date with two months ago. He lost his phone (and my number) in a river and wanted to make sure that I knew he hadn't blown me off. Asked me to please call.
You are history.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Just because I work in a health club doesn't mean I'm full of germs. Just because it's a gym doesn't we don't clean it within an inch of it's life all. day. long. Just because you work in a hospital that has had a swine flu death doesn't mean you can come preach to me every day about keeping things germ-free. It's a gym. We're going to have germs. Even if we disinfect every surface with gin, vodka, and fire, we're still going to have germs.
I get it. I really, really do. But I do not need daily reminders from you about how contagious swine flu is. Oh excuse me, Mrs. CDC, H1N1. But guess what? If you're going to get swine flu, you're probably going to get it while at work at the hospital, not necessarily at the gym. And guess what else? There are usually way more scary germs than swine flu floating around most gyms. Want me to elaborate? No? I didn't think so.
So please. I beg you. Stop harassing me about the damn swine flu or I'll go out, kiss a sick pig, get it on purpose, and then sneeze on you.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Gym Manager
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
- One bought a house for $1.4 million 10 years ago – according to Zillow, it's now worth more than $3 million. Well, he did become a cardiologist.
- The next lives in a $1.5 million house (yeah, found his home address), with his wife (whose name I found out) and three daughters (unknown names). He's also a doctor, and makes house calls. For real. And he's actually better looking than he used to be – because, yeah, I found a photo.
- The last one I looked up paid $1.4 million for a house two years ago (yeah, that municipality posts all of the real estate transactions on-line), is married (for the second time, because I'd known about the divorced first wife), and has two children (whose names and ages I know because they were listed in the obit of his new wife's mother). He's not a doctor, he's a tenured professor. And while his work headshot makes him look old, I found another (recent) picture of him looking as foxy as he did back in the day when I was running around with him.
Whine, whine, whine.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
[Aside: I asked my 6-year old niece the other day if she liked math. She replied, “Yeah….You know, sometimes I just like to sit around and count stupid people”. I should have taken her to the airport.]
So, I’m at the airport. In the security line. I’m next – and I love being next. The guy in front of me is wearing a thick, gaudy gold necklace Flavor Flav would be proud of. He walks through the sensors and of course it goes off. So, he removes the necklace and walks through with it in his hand. Jackass. The alarm sounds. Here’s the conversation that follows:
TSA Rep: “Sir, you’ll have to put that in the basket and send it through the scanner.”
Flavor Flav: “No, I don’t want to do that”
TSA Rep: “Sir, put it in the basket”
Flavor Flav: “No”
TSA Rep: “What’s the problem?”
Flavor Flav: “I don’t want to lose it.”
What exactly does he think happens in the TSA scanner? That he’s going to put his shitty necklace in there and a chicken will come out the other end? Chocolate chip cookies? A baby, perhaps? (Is that where they come from??) I’m dizzy with the possibilities…
That guy was stupid person #12. By the time I got on the plane, I had counted to 23.
|I quit my job that had crappy hours (noon-6p when you have kids going to school for the first time in their lives after years of homeschooling is the pits) and yet I'm STILL working there. And feeling responsible to be there because they haven't found a replacement. So I'm still juggling babysitting, driving to afterschool activities, and life in general for MINIMUM wage. Yep, when the state of Ohio raised the minimum wage in January, I (a college grad) got a freakin' raise. How awsome is that? And my hubby is all like, "Why don't you just not go in?" And I'm all, "Well, my first job in a gazillion years and you, Mr. Responsible, don't get why I feel the need to leave my place of employment on good terms and the right way?" And he's all, "Well, yeah, but. . . ." So I guess responsibility only applies to men? I don't know. |
Monday, September 14, 2009
He can't just announce the drinks that he's serving, he has to singsong the names "a lattaaaaaay for Saaaaanddddiiii!"
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
If we have to put one more dollar into your piece of shit car to "fix it", it's going to mysteriously roll into the river. I'm not saying I'm going to push it, I'm just saying somehow, someway, it will end up at the bottom of the Arkansas.
I know you're attached to this vehicle for insane reasons I am not meant to understand. I know you're not interested in having a new car payment. Hell, neither am I. However, if I have to (in)directly pay for one more of the Firestone children to go to college, I'm going to shit a brick. But hey, maybe it'll be a golden brick and you can use it to purchase yourself a new fucking ride. Or maybe I can attach it to the car when it rolls into the water. Any extra weight would keep it from floating, right?
-Your loving and adoring wife
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
But that was what, four, five months back. And things haven't got any better. You went through your period of separation, your reconciliation (ha!) and things are going in circles. You claim to cut off and then the next week you're having sex and taking each other out swimming and seeing films and then you upset each other and we have to piece you back together again, only for the circle to go around again. It's great that you're trying to be friends, but you need to sort this out, it's getting ridiculous.
Guy: face it, we don't really care. You only started talking to us after you broke up, because you thought it might help you stay with Girl if you were friends with us. We know that. I read your long posts about how you still love her and all, and I try to tell you it's going to be alright. But it gets boring always having to do that when you had a year to be friends and have good times together but only bothered when you wanted someone to angst to. And just so you know, no one could care less about the size of your penis. Seriously, being a girl does not automatically mean she's interested in that.
Girl: you need to tell him to stop thinking he still has a chance. He'll just carry on like this unless you tell him outright. Please. Then he'll stop being so irritating and clingy. Every time you let him pay for something, or hold you close, or have sex with you he starts thinking he loves you again. And also, stop being so viciously outspoken about men being stupid and useless and evil. I have friends who are guys, so do you, and let me tell you: in a way I get along with them better than I do with girls. You've had bad experiences, but it doesn't mean you have to verbally attack everyone with a Y chromosome every time Guy upsets you.
And to both of you: STOP FUCKING EACH OTHER!!! Can't you see it isn't doing either of you any favours? It works sometimes, the whole casual sex deal, but not with you. It's just making things even worse than they have to be.
Also, please stop being so dramatic about how love has been destroyed and now you don't love each other the world is an empty place. Because guess what? I've never been in love. The closest I've ever come to romance is snogging a drunken lesbian twice my age at a gig, and that was my first and only kiss. I have never been held close, I've never had anyone tell me that they love me, I've never even held hands with anyone.
And guess what? I am fine. I enjoy what I do. I am happy with my unrequited crush on a goth rock n roll musician, because I wouldn't know what to do with a boyfriend even if a guy was crazy enough to like me in that way. The only things I need to hold close to me are my bass guitars, and believe me, they are beautiful and would never hurt me. My heart beats faster only at gigs because I am in love with the sounds I hear.
It is a good life! I am doing just fine without sex and I'm sure you can do the same!
So you two, just learn to live as individuals again. Then maybe you won't fall apart every week and we can all just get on and enjoy our lives.
Seriously. The way you are breathing right now is MAKING ME WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. I am sorry for the all-caps thing, but seriously. You are driving me crazy. Just breathe normally. You didn’t just run a marathon, you crossed the room and sat on the couch. And there is no need to make that weird snuffling noise when you eat yogurt, either.