Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
|I'm a returning student which means I am older than everyone else in my classes and I have two jobs and a family to take care of on top of school work. So this week I only have 3 finalized printed portfolios due, plus have to shoot 6 new things for yet another portfolio that all have to have very complex photoshop manipulations done on them, a final exam, three outdoor photo shoots scheduled over two days and surprise surprise its going to rain and I cant reschedule b/c they are for Christmas and I apparently live in a vacuum of nice looking readily available indoor locations, a 40 page paper and 15 page excel financial spreadsheet for a teacher I absolutely cannot stand, and I have to find an internship and it's really not going very well. I have approximately 18,000 Christmas gifts to buy and zero money to buy them with. My job sucks, and pays next to nothing. Not to mention I'm kind of in the middle of a huge personal problem that I can't talk to anyone about b/c, well, they would know about it. Stress through the roof. And for the love of all that is good and holy if this fool does not stop walking around my office whistling the first 3 bars of Holly Jolly Christmas over and over I am going to remove his lips with my staple remover. Head explosion in 3...2...1... I'm going to go sit in the corner and cry for a few minutes now. |
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I'm a sarcastic person by nature. I can understand that sometimes that isn't translated very well on my blog. Did you get that? MY blog. I assume that everyone who reads what I write knows what sarcasm is and how it's used. I assume everyone knows there may be a "bad" word (or three) in my posts. I assume that we can all be an adult and understand that everyone has different thoughts and ideas. I've assumed wrong.
If you feel like I'm a horrible person for making fun of those people native to the state in which I currently reside, fine. Stop reading my blog RIGHT NOW, drive your uptight ass down here, and see if you can muddle your way through their nonsense. I dare you. Those posts are supposed to be humorous. This is obviously another personality trait you lack. That makes two if you need me to count them for you... 1. Sarcasm. 2. Humor. Need me to keep going?
If you think I'm promoting drinking and drugs (to kids- where the hell that came from, I'll never know) by telling you people that I have a glass (or bottle) of champagne and a muscle relaxer (or two) to help me sleep some nights, then you fall off a building, break a large percentage of the bones in your body, and then try to lead a somewhat normal life. By the way, remember that commercial from the '80's when the Dad catches the kid doing drugs? Remember what the kid said? "I learned it from watching you." Chances are, your kids are learning their bad habits from you, not me. Where do you think I learned how to drink and curse? That's right...my Mama. She's damn proud of it too.
And speaking of...if you think I curse like a sailor, well, then, you're correct. If you have a problem with that, stop fucking reading my damn blog. I don't criticize your obviously fake, 24/7 sunshine and rainbows blog. I don't like yours, so guess what? I don't read it. You don't like mine? Stop fucking reading it.
I didn't start my blog so you could read it. I started my blog so I could bitch about my life. If you happened to stumble across it, fine. Keep on stumbling right on over to the next one. I don't need your bullshit. I have enough of my own, thankyouverymuch.
An obviously drugged out, alcoholic, broken-down, hypocritical (my fave), horrible role model.
Oh, by the way... kiss it, bitch.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
stewing about. On Monday I went to my first bi-weekly appointment with
the nutritionists for the Gestational Diabetes. I've been going once a
month since week 8 of this pregnancy and I am proud to have kept my
sugars under control via exercise and diet. Up until this point I've
been praised and patted on the back for all the hard work that goes
into that and it is hard work and a huge pain in the ass. I thought my
problem was that they were being a little nit-picky with the type of
bread that I've been buying. The brand we've been buying is low carb
and has higher than 3 grams of fibre per slice which is what they
So, I'm with the dietician before going into see the Doctor and she's
giving me a hard time about my pre-breakfast numbers because they are
higher than they should be and I'm going to need to change up my bed
time snacks so they'll get lower and then on the way to the Dr, whose
office is down the hall she asks if I had any trouble losing the baby
weight from my last pregnancy five years ago and she gets a shocked
look on her face when I tell her that not only did I not have trouble
but that I went below my pre-pregnancy weight and then she asks me if
Diabetes runs in my family and when I say "no" she gets another big
surprised look on her face and says "that's odd".
And three days later I'm sitting here thinking to myself "What the
hell was that supposed to mean?" Do I look like I come from a family
rife with Diabetes? Do I look like I'm on the verge of ballooning up
into morbid obesity? Up until this point I've felt pretty good about
how I'm looking this pregnancy. I'm still fitting into some non-
pregnancy pants, I'm walking two to three times a day. I'm not bloated
with fluids, My face is still thin. Now I'm wondering if I'm not
seeing something that others are. All I can say is "Bitch!"
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
I was delighted to hear that you wanted to buy your staff lunch for Employee Appreciation Day. After years of making you look good, we all deserve at least one free lunch, right? So, after (1) calling eateries; (2) taking lunch votes; (3) begging mid-managers for money; (4) creating and posting flyers and emails; (5) tracking RSVPs and lunch orders; (6) arranging tables & chairs; (7) picking up the lunches and schlepping them back to the office; and (8) cleaning up afterward (all the while you and your kiss-ass mid-managers sat watching) I simply cannot express how appreciated I felt. Next year, give me $10 and let me eat alone at McDonald's.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
old who is riding in an illegally front facing carseat. I know I may
come across as a know it all biotch, despite all attempts to sound
kind and diplomatic (and I believe I did), but my intentions are
nothing but good and caring. I would never forgive myself if something
happened and I had never said anything. And all of this I would gladly
tell you if you would be an adult and respond to my freaking email and
voice mail. Yes, I know you got them. Telling you my concerns was not
easy for me, but that's what friends do -- they look out for each
other. But I guess we both know that we were never really friends.
And to you, friend who first noticed the situation, said you couldn't
let it go, but was too chicken to say anything? Thanks for so
graciously letting me be the bad guy. You had very well not throw me
under the bus if the subject ever comes up.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
|I started a new healthy lifestyle, I eat right, I exercise most every day, I have lost 14lbs in one month. Everything is going great during the day. However, every night this week I have dreamed of Reese's peanut butter cups and Snickers bars. The sub-conscience runs deep...sigh. |
I'm thin. Not ghostly, bone protruding thin, but for an over forty
year old woman I am doing all right, sort of. I work out, eat right,
eat wrong, I am raising 4 children (two of whom will be in high school
this coming fall), I drink wine. I also complain about my body. I
complain about my expanding waist and my sagging boobs. The weight is
creeping up and no one likes that I want to complain about it. Yes,
you heard right - I'm complaining and I say we thin gals have a right!
My friends roll their eyes when I tell them it's hard to find a size 3
(2s can be snug on the old butt and 4s bag on my waist). "Oh such
problems," they mutter - not so I can't hear them, mind you. I get it.
People want to be thin, but I am watching things happen to my body,
too. Why can't I complain about them? I have a belly roll. I don't
like my belly roll. Why do you laugh when I show it to you? My butt
has gotten bigger, it has! And it depresses me. Do I have to have a
butt you could land a plane on for you to acknowledge that my bigger
self icks me out like yours does? Let us thin friends into your circle
of misery, that's all we ask. I want to be able to say to you "Oh, I
shouldn't have that" when we both stare at the double chocolate layer
cake and have you tell me "no, you shouldn't". I want you to nod your
head in understanding when I complain that I DO need Spanx under that
new dress and I want you to mean it!!!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
We've been married 13 years. And have 5 amazing children. Have survived crap that would tear other couples apart and been happy. The best couple I know. And now? For some reason you've decided to be an idiot. Honey, the Good Ship Irresponsible sailed 14 years ago. You better get a grip and pull it together. Quickly. Or it's going to get uglier than you could ever imagine.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
What moron thought that this would be a great idea?
Is it for people who love both boots and sandals, and yet can only afford one or the other? Well, at just over $500 a pair, these women now don't-have-to-choose! Oh, if only Sophie had it this easy!
Special thanks to @Taradublinrocks for tweeting this abomination!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
It's a holiday night, it's right after exam results, and I'm not out partying with my friends and celebrating. Dear god, my nearest friend is fifty miles away anyway. No: instead, I'm sat inside with my laptop on my knees, reading badly-written racy amateur fiction on FictionPress.com. I put on makeup and got dressed up to go and do my grocery shopping at ASDA today because I go out so little that ASDA seems like the place to wear four-inch heels. I've never gone out clubbing in my life, because I prefer to spend my money on silly clothes with sillier names from designer labels nobody's heard of and so I'm flat broke most of the time. I don't even drink or smoke, but I do dress like a crazy little Victorian girl with a floral pattern obsession, and the most human contact I get in a day is the stares when I walk down the street to get another bottle of flavoured water.
And, you know, I'm not quite sure how this happened. Because most of the time I feel all WHOO YEH! I'M SINGLE! NO RISK OF ARBITRARY HEARTBREAK! and then things go wrong a bit, I lose my job in a budget cut, I struggle with the rent and my landlady shouts at me, my growing student debt waves a cheerful hand with the latest letter, and it hits me like OH FUCK, I'M SINGLE. My last courtship was several years ago, and it lasted two months; a neurotic, clingy dork with no respect for personal boundaries. No, make that my only courtship. Ever.
Maybe it's something to do with the fact that I use words like 'courtship', but it strikes me that not being disablingly ugly, thick or having disgusting habits, I really should be able to find someone. Nay, by all accounts I'm a pretty and intelligent young woman, and I still can't find a date. If the fifty-ton man could get a girlfriend, what the hell's stopping me?
...Or maybe I should just get out more.
A Grateful, yet Anonymously Sad Singleton
Sunday, August 22, 2010
binge, stayed out all night and most of the next day after springing
your plans on me with little notice. Are we really going to do this
all over again? Sure you actually came home this time but we have
plans in the morning and I' the one who has to get up with our child
and make sure Daddy isn't woken up because he had a late night...ummm
yeah I don't think that's gonna happen. Get ready for an early wake up
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Karma will get you one day for bashing that softball size rock on my daughter’s car and causing that big dent that will take a new hood to fix. A car that she worked all summer to earn money to buy and is paying me back on the couple hundred she had to borrow so she had it in time for school, so I did not have to change my schedule to take her. She is a much better person than I because I would like to take that rock and put it through the windshield of that new Explorer that your mommy bought you.
Friday, August 6, 2010
No, it is NOT okay for you to invite your son to a sleepover at MY house. The last (any only) time he came over he made a huge pee mess on the toilet seat in the bathroom and wouldn't stop insisting that he watch movies that I don't feel are appropriate for my 10 year old. All this, and you've never once offered to have either of my kids over to YOUR house for a sleepover. Seriously? We are not good enough friends for that. Plus, my hubby doesn't even like your family, so that makes it even harder to get together. Stop inviting yourself to things at MY house!!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
experience I had fantasized about when I was pregnant. Well, for about
5 days of my pregnancy before I was told that I was having twins. You,
mom of just one baby, can go wherever you want. Sit with said baby at
Starbucks. Take said baby to the pool with you. Drop said baby off
with the grandparents so you can go get a pedicure (did I also mention
I am jealous of you because your parents live nearby?). Pass said baby
off to husband so you can eat your meal in peace instead of both of
you having to struggle to eat while monitoring/holding/wrangling two
mobile crazies in a house where people think it's ok to have glass end
tables and sharp edged doo hickeys laying around. You can also more
than likely afford to put said baby in mother's day out when she's
ready. Heck, even if you just stay home, you can hold your baby when
she cries instead of having to choose which one gets held and which
one has to cry in the swing. Yes, you may think having a baby is hard
work, but you have no idea what hard work is until you try to
breastfeed preemie twins on a never ending 3 hour schedule, in which
you're lucky if you get 90 minutes of sleep before you have to start
again. No idea.
And now that I have an infant #3, I am also jealous of YOU, mom of
just twins. How crazy is that?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
And WTF is the connection between farms and gems anyway?
(Yes, I should have noticed that she somehow figured out the itunes
password and shouldnt have linked my credit card to the account. Hell,
I got what I deserved letting a 9 year old child even have an iTouch.
I'm a miserable mother. I just wish I were a miserable mother with an
Sunday, July 11, 2010
1. Morbid obesity
2. Toothless baby mamas
3. Prison tats of Jesus and/or marijuana
4. Babies drinking Dr. Pepper
5. Wet XXXL Tweety Bird tank tops
6. Visions that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my fucking life
Saturday, July 10, 2010
without pay due to you and your little friends saying I had used the N
word when talking to and about you and how I threatened you with
physical violence UNTIL I told them my attorney was involved. Now that
you cannot give a date or time or any evidence to the LIE you told, HR
isn't so eager to be on your side. Interesting....
Friday, July 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
But here's the thing, LoHo--it's not just your life. It's the lives of others that you endanger by driving drunk.
I'm delighted that she'll be locked up.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
What on God’s green Earth would possess my husband to put a plastic “Honey Bear” filled with honey, in the microwave (lid on and closed tight), set the microwave timer for 5 minutes and go and watch TV?
Just asking…..while I am cleaning honey off of every fucking surface within a 15 foot diameter of the microwave. And yes, I am cleaning it up because he can’t do anything right.
Flaming pissed in WI
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Despite already having a bachelors degree I have made the insane decision to return to school. WHY? Because apparently I'm a masochist. But that is a whine for another day. Anyway, I find myself constantly surrounded by 18 year old girls who keep asking me "Do you have babies? I LOVE babies!" or saying things like "OMG You're married? That's so cool!" and 18 year old boys who say things that I don't even pretend to understand at all but most of them seem to have something to do with either Megan Fox. This is all a bit annoying but still I put myself here so I can't complain too much. Until today....
I'm half way through my course work when my dept. head informs me that they are going to begin using a new program for my degree....and that I will have to adhere to it. WTF? They cant just change things like that in the middle of my degree! What about grandfathering?!? Every other college on EARTH allows you to graduate with the program you started in. So again I say, WTF??? So basically now half the classes I have taken are useless and I have to cram 3 semesters worth of classes into two so I can still finish on time, OH and work a full time job. SO....Pissed...Off....
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Who DIED eleven years ago.
I'm pretty sure this is not why copyright laws were invented.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
I wanted to respond, that if she makes it to ten years and has three children she will realize that planning her wedding for a year WAS a fucking honeymoon.
*Wedding next month. Insert jazz hands here.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
|Dear rest of the office;|
If you are all going to leave me alone here, literally, the only one in the office,on Friday afternoons AT LEAST give me the authority to deal with problems b/c the s**t always seems to hit the fan right about 4:00 and all I can say is "Uhhh you need to talk to so and so, He's not here can I let you leave a message?" And then I get yelled at b/c people want to know why no one is in an office at 3:30 on a weekday. I know you all want to go home at 3:00 and go fishing or whatever but I'm just the part-time secretary. Since I am at the absolute bottom of the food chain around here any mistake I make is landing firmly on your shoulders not mine. Just something to think about.
P.S. Mr. Boss, Three phone lines cannot sanctimoniously be answered by one person. When you call three times and don't get an answer b/c I am too busy getting screamed at by and angry parent, and then yell at me b/c I'm the only one here...not cool! Have to go now, phone is exploding. Ugh.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Dear quad mate, we've been working together for three years now. I know you love the team atmosphere because you get to share every single solitary thought that flies through your head. But seriously, if I am not in the quad when you are sharing, I CANNOT answer any questions about the topic the second I walk back into the quad. Really.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
For shit I hit with my car backing out of the garage. Period.
I *do not* routinely check underneath or behind my car before getting into it and driving away. I was educated at a state school in Florida, not by the g-damn Secret Service. If I could carry a gun, then maybe I would…nah, I still wouldn’t do it.
So, beware! Golf clubs, step ladders, tools, helmets, balls, spray cans, garbage, dumbbells, midgets, deer and unicorns – I will run over you!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
For the past year we have had a great time together. We had date nights, you liked the same thing i was into, we cared about each other, and the sex was fantastic! So help me understand why you have to be such a dumbass? I have loved you more than anyone in my life; and you pissed it all away! I haven't heard from you in just shy of 2 weeks; all over a fight and pride. Well I am sorry, but you are almost thirty, you need to grow up... take the nipple out of your mouth, and become a man. You live at home, you work for your parents, and you can't even drive a car! What do you want me to say? Especially when you start the fight with me. All b/c you won't drive, and I get annoyed with it. Hello?! I am your girlfriend... not your mom!
I love you; but I don't want a guy with a petter-pan complex in the long run. Soulmate or no. You want to live in some kind of dream world and hide from the real one. I work hard, I am independent, and ambitious, and you have the nerve to say it's a bad thing? That your looser way of life is better b/c you have no "wants" in life? WTF?! I am sorry to inconvience you with with my plans for my life, at least i have some. Not all of us want to do "nothing" in life.
So now we are not talking; both of us have too much pride I guess. I am not going to chase you. I am not going to beg. I am done trying. The thing that really pisses me off is I can't get you off my mind. I really have it bad for you, and I don't even now why. So if you can dismiss me after all of the wonderful things we have had together, then Fuck You doll.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
In the past three weeks I have had my house broken into, and had to rush halfway across the country because my family was worried that my grandfather was dying. Then my aunt and I spent 5 days taking 12 hour shifts at his bedside because the rest of the family had worn themselves down from doing it and were in bed sick. Then while I was there my doctor calls me and tells me I need to have a biopsy done to make sure I don't have cancer. I finally make it home after fighting to keep my grandfather alive and then my sweet little dog gets out of the backyard and goes missing. I then find out the next day that she was hit by a car. After I spent 24 panicked hours trying to find out if she was ok and where she was and finally get her home I let you know. You then reply that I should come over to your house because "you are stressed and need attention". Really?! YOU are stressed? I can't imagine why! You seem to have pretty much checked out while I was going through all this, so WHAT could you POSSIBLY be stressed about?!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
And truly, your brother and I were so excited when you said you wanted to come visit us for your vacation. We haven't seen anyone in three months, having moved 12 hours away from, well, pretty much everybody we know. Your nephew and nieces were terribly excited, too - they love to see their uncle! He's so fun! He reads stories and plays and treats them like people, not just annoyances.
But you brought your friend. The lush. The dude that your brother dislikes for being a total a-hole to you on a regular basis for the last, oh, ten years or so. And he slept on my floor for five days. And told me about his sexual exploits with his ex-girlfriend. And, oh yeah, completely ignored the fact that my kids lived here and acted like they were jerks for wanting to do the same thing they do every morning EVER, FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS (watch PBS, by the way) because he was too busy SLEEPING OFF HIS HANGOVER. One day, your brother got up for work at the same time you two were getting in in the morning. Seriously? But again, it's your vacation, I'll bite my tongue, and hope you have a great vacation.
I thought I'd gotten over it until I heard that you took off for another night out with this SAME LUSH this week and were gone for two days. Really? How did work like that? How'd your three kids like that? Hope you make it home in time for the Easter Egg Hunt on Sunday, jerk. Oh, and btw, Grandma's sister died. Your mom's been trying to get ahold of you, but for some reason, you haven't been returning her calls. You might want to call Grandma.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I know our upcoming trip back to New Orleans for a visit is exciting for you. It's exciting for me too. Yes, I realize you grew up there, while I only lived there a few years. Yes, I realize your grammar school/high school/college friends/former coworkers/neighborhood grocery store check out lady/dry cleaner/pharmacist/baseball coach/and your 3rd grade math teacher are all eager to see you, but notsomuch me (since you never bothered to introduce me to them when we lived there for years...together). You see, when you tell me we're going to need to make time for all these important people, it makes me... completely... INSANE.
But guess what? This is my vacation too. If I want to take 1 measly hour out of a 5 day trip to go get a pedicure from my most favorite place in the world, guess what? I will. And if I want to "waste" an hour or two or hell, even three, shopping, guess what? I will. And if I need to go have a drink with a girlfriend (mainly to bitch about you), I fucking WILL.
Stop trying to write a damn itinerary in fucking stone. Please?
-Your loving and adoring wife
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
So, I understand we both aren't going to be in the mood at the same time. I also know that you moving 1,000 miles away to be closer to home, work, and school are all great and I can't wait until I finish my B.A. in May to join you. HOWEVER, I'm not asking you to really be turned on and hard. Hell I'm not even asking for phone sex. Sexting is all. 13 years olds can do it, you can to, when you really want. I know this because you do it when you want some and we can't talk and be together. So, how about ya fake it? I do it all the time. When I tell you I'm wearing lacy panties and tank? Yeah, it's actually your sweats and a tshirt. I promise, next week when I come visit I will make it worth your while. Thanks babe!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Dear Evil Stepfather:
We sure have had our differences, haven't we? I know it was unforgivable of me to hate you all those years you beat the holy shit out of my mother, all the times we ate ketchup sandwiches because you drank up all the grocery money. All the times we kids went to school with no lunch (or breakfast), and those winters we frequently had no jackets. We went 4 years without hot water because you refused to pay the bill. We went that long without having TV to watch either—although it didn't stop you from waking us up in the middle of the night (on a school night), and making us sit on the couch, where we could neither speak, move nor look at anything until you got tired of the game and passed out. That was your favorite game, wasn't it?
Then I got old enough for college; college that you refused to help ME pay for, although you paid both my older sister's way through college (even though they were both married), and my younger brothers too—because your business was making so much money. I never said anything when you bought my baby brother a brand-new Corvette as his first car, when I was given a '78 Granada. I simply moved out and got married. Then came the "keep Kim away from her mother" game which continued until I finally said fuck it and just quit having anything to do with the whole lot of you.
After you started coughing up blood I was so happy! I just knew you'd die soon and I could have my family back---but no dice. You just stopped drinking and smoking, extending your miserable life 20 more years. But you know what, all these things were NOTHING---compared to what you did to me and my son in 2005; see, we were living in Biloxi---less than 3 miles from the water in 2005. We went to stay at a friend's house not far away and that's the only reason we survived Katrina; when we finally were able to check on our mobile home (which the battered women's shelter we were staying in found for us), it was gone. So we came home to Mama, thinking surely it was ok to stay there a couple weeks til we could find somewhere else to live. But YOU told my mother we'd have to leave. You didn't care that we had just lost everything. That was the last straw. We left and I never saw you again because 5 months later the cancer that you'd been refusing to see a doctor about finally killed you. Understandably to me, I chose not to attend your funeral, as I would not have been able to resist my urge to dance in the aisle, laugh out loud, and spit on your worthless carcass. But apparently it wasn't understandable to the rest of my family because they ALL disowned me and my son. So even though you're dead you cost me my whole fucking family. I hope it was worth it to you.
Signed,Kim, the red-headed stepchild
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Hopefully you still have a copy and can resend it! We post all whines, regardless of length!!
I know you guys don't really like long whines like this, but it was SO cathartic to me just to write it. I'll understand if you don't post it, but I hope you do. Maybe there are others who are going/have gone through this.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
My wedding is October 2. I am trying to keep it low key so that my sister doesn’t find out. I want my wedding to be about us – not her.
Of a fancy restaurant. Checks her lipstick in the mirror and decides on a touch-up.
There’s no counter space, so she puts her purse in the sink and roots around for her lip gloss. The sink, unfortunately, is motion activated. And there are no paper towels, only hand dryers.
Upon return to the table, husband looks at her dripping purse and says, “Couldn’t hold it?”
Monday, March 15, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Spends an hour walking down every aisle to make sure she doesn’t forget anything. She actually scores a BOGO on her favorite moisturizer, finds the Zino water she loves that is usually out of stock, and gets the biggest bag of dog food even though it’s a bitch to get in the cart.
Bartender says, “Where’s your wallet?”
Girl replies, “Fuck.”
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The only person in my office even remotely close to my age used to be really nice to me. We had lunch together nearly every day from June to December. For the last 2 months she's been cold and practically unresponsive. I don't even know what the hell I did (if anything!) to make her start treating me like some useless summer temp. I'm sick of eating lunch everyday with my iPhone as my only company!
Monday, February 22, 2010
I hate his crybaby guts. He acts like he's got the weight of the world
on his shoulders and is too busy to be bothered by his wife or
children. Asking him to spend time with us or help out around the
house has become a tedious chore in and of itself. He has an excuse
for everything. He never acts like a man and takes responsibilty for
his actions. He sticks his tongue out at our small daughter when she
won't give him kisses whenever he asks. And then he whines at her. I
find that manipulative behavior toward a toddler disgusting. When I
say so to him he retreats physically and emotionally to punish me for
not finding his behavior perfect and charming. I'm very close to done
My dad treated my mom like a queen, and all of their kids were
treated respectfully and lovingly. How was I duped into thinking my
husband was like my dad, when really he's an ass?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
1: For the record, some of my best friends are old people.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Look, I don't care about your pets. I lie about the severity of my allergies just to keep me from having to go to your stinking, nasty house where animals live indoors. Don't kid yourself--it's not healthy for them or you. You may think you keep your house clean--you don't. You may not think it smells like cat litter or wet fur--it does. You just don't notice it anymore because you live in it. Also, your pets are not some magically altruistic friends and companions, who only think happy thoughts. They don't think much at all. They react. They are a-n-i-m-a-l-s. In the wild, they would eat you. If left without food long enough--they still would. They don't "care"; they don't "love" you. You are totally delusional. Even if I liked your pets, I still wouldn't need to hear stories about them. For godssake, unless it's The Secret of NIHM, keep your animal stories to yourself. And finally, if you treated people half as decently as you treat your pets, or spent half as much money to feed and house people, the world would be a better place for all of us.
Snakes and scales and puppy dog tails.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I just started this blog business, so of course, I am checking out a bunch of other blogs. I am sooooo sick of only finding blogs by either stay-at-home, home-schooling, organic-cookie baking moms that blog mostly about how perfectly wonderful their little family is OR…..weird artsy-fartsy 20 somethings that ramble on about crap that does not make sense. Where are the blogs from divorced, single moms that work constantly (at office and home), are totally annoyed with their smart-ass teenagers and WISH they had time to scrap-book, bake cookies or do something other than watch movies from Blockbuster?????????????? FML!
Monday, February 8, 2010
You very kindly listed your office hours in our syllabus. You also posted them on your door... which was closed and locked when I arrived during what I thought was your appointed office time. Interestingly, both postings indicated that you would be in your office from 11 am to 1 pm today. Apparently 1:00 is the same as 12:00 on the planet you are from because I was informed that you had left the building already. A full hour before your office hours should have ended. Most excellent for you. Unfortunately, the rest of us run on real world time and live on the planet EARTH. FML!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
The National Tea Party Convention ended with a Palin for President rally.
This was always slated to be the weekend's main event, with a $100,000 prize purse. But the organizers still hadn't seen a copy of the speech as the crowd streamed into the banquet ballroom. What they got was less a Tea Party manifesto than Sarah Palin's State of the Union speech—an address to a domestic spending
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I know we were friends before I popped out a kid, and I'm sure you
miss spending time with just me. But seriously, your email inviting me
to see your new apartment? The one where you wrote "The kid can stay
at home?" Bite me. I'd rather see my kid than spend a weekend at your
apartment hearing about how you still wax your ex's balls. I'd rather
read my kid bed time stories than picture some dude's hairless nuts. I
love you. I really do. But enough with the testicles—and lack of tact.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Good luck to all of you. Clearly, you deserve it.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
|Listen, I bend over backwards to encourage you and the one freaking time that I email you and say "OMG! I got into this production(that I've been working on for MONTHS)...I can't believe it....yadayadayada..." All you can say is "That's cool." WTF, man? Then I say "You need to come see in before mentioned production! It will be fun!" and I get "I'll see what I can do." Well, fuck you AND the horse you rode in on. You have given me about as much support and enthusiasm as last years sports bra.|
Monday, January 18, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
P.S... I think that they need to make a sarcasm font. It would make it so much easier for others to decipher what I really mean in print without actually having to say "Fuck off."