Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Thanks for your fertility updates!

Ahh Christmas. The time of Christmas letters. It was great to hear again how well you and Kev are getting on. So glad the girls are enjoying being homeschooled. Jr High already? Wow. Honestly though, the tidbit from each one of them, about your miscarriage in February......I mean from all 3 of your family members? In the same letter? I mean, it wasn't even that long of a letter?  Personal much??!!??  But congrats on your new pregnancy...hope that goes Really Well......cuz if it doesn't I am not sure we can handle another letter like that next year.
 

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dear Bitch,
Did you not realize that your life might change when you got caught cheating on your spouse not once, not twice but for the THIRD time?! You were caught and then tried to wiggle your way out of it. You have talked poorly about the man who once loved you in front of the kids...no, you have talked downright MEAN about him in front of the kids. You have bit him, beaten him with hairbrushes and cell phones. And all along, it was YOU that did not keep your legs closed to other men.
I am not sure what you are thinking if you think you deserve special consideration around the holidays. The opposite of what took place last year will happen this year. NO, the kids won't be with you every Christmas morning. Every other year they will be with their Father. A man who once cherished you and the love he had for you. But YOU, yes YOU..were the one that chose to throw it away when you slept with another man. NOT him. You can threaten to call the police if you don't hear from them as often as you want to on his time. His time is exactly that: HIS TIME. You don't need to call and ask them how they slept or what they did today. You can ask them that on YOUR time.
Karma is a bitch..what goes around, comes around. One day, the kids will know which parent did right by them. One day, your kids may end up not liking you very much. And you will have no one else to blame but YOURSELF. I really wonder how you sleep each night, knowing what you are doing is wrong. Unless, that is, that for some sick reason you actually believe it is okay to behave the way you.
Because it isn't okay. It just isn't.
IT IS NOT OKAY.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

My workplace is a ridiculous combination of The Office and Peyton Place...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Frenemies

Enough said.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Head Explosion Imminent

I'm a returning student which means I am older than everyone else in my classes and I have two jobs and a family to take care of on top of school work. So this week I only have 3 finalized printed portfolios due,  plus have to shoot 6 new things for yet another portfolio that all have to have very complex photoshop manipulations done on them, a final exam, three outdoor photo shoots scheduled over two days and surprise surprise its going to rain and I cant reschedule b/c they are for Christmas and I apparently live in a vacuum of nice looking readily available indoor locations, a 40 page paper and 15 page excel financial spreadsheet for a teacher I absolutely cannot stand, and I have to find an internship and it's really not going very well. I have approximately 18,000 Christmas gifts to buy and zero money to buy them with. My job sucks, and pays next to nothing. Not to mention I'm kind of in the middle of a huge personal problem that I can't talk to anyone about b/c, well, they would know about it. Stress through the roof. And for the love of all that is good and holy if this fool does not stop walking around my office whistling the first 3 bars of Holly Jolly Christmas over and over I am going to remove his lips with my staple remover. Head explosion in 3...2...1... I'm going to go sit in the corner and cry for a few minutes now.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Nag

You know, if you did what I told you to do in the first place, I wouldn't have to nag.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

no gray area

why is it that when it comes to children, sometimes parents are completely clueless?  isn't there a basic maternal/paternal instinct that kicks in as humans?  can bitterness and dare I say, hatred, consume someone so much that it clouds their own judgement for what is best for their children?  does common courtesy go out the door when it comes to being, say... courteous?  it isn't towards a stranger in the store that you hope you may never see again...but rather to someone you are going to have contact with consistently for the next say, 15 years? 
 
what are the unwritten rules for an ex contacting you at all hours of the day and night...for no other reasons than the following:  "I need to ask the kids something."  "Please have the kids call me to say goodnight."  "Are the kids okay?"  "(X child) was up coughing last night'"  "FYI..I was up again last night because X child was coughing again."  "Did you get my voicemail?"  "Did you read my last text?"
 
seriously...when you send a text, do you text again within a short amount of time, ASKING if the text was read?!  if the text or voicemail do not warrant a reply, then no reply is needed.  if the text or phone call is not an emergency, can't the information wait until a decent time of day...say NOT at 5 something in the morning?  or 12 something at night?  I believe both parents need to know what is happening when one of the kids isn't well.  but unless it is an emergency, there should be some common decent courtesy.  that would be like if the kids were with one parent, one of them throws up in the middle of the night and a text or call was made..."hey, FYI, child X just puked."  aaand?.....  something like this cannot wait until the morning?  and a decent time in the morning? 
 
what are some unwritten rules any of you follow? what works for you? 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I'm speechless. Well, not really.

Dear Anonymous Emailer,
 
I'm a sarcastic person by nature. I can understand that sometimes that isn't translated very well on my blog. Did you get that? MY blog. I assume that everyone who reads what I write knows what sarcasm is and how it's used. I assume everyone knows there may be a "bad" word (or three) in my posts. I assume that we can all be an adult and understand that everyone has different thoughts and ideas. I've assumed wrong.
 
If you feel like I'm a horrible person for making fun of those people native to the state in which I currently reside, fine. Stop reading my blog RIGHT NOW, drive your uptight ass down here, and see if you can muddle your way through their nonsense. I dare you. Those posts are supposed to be humorous. This is obviously another personality trait you lack. That makes two if you need me to count them for you... 1. Sarcasm. 2. Humor. Need me to keep going?
 
If you think I'm promoting drinking and drugs (to kids- where the hell that came from, I'll never know) by telling you people that I have a glass (or bottle) of champagne and a muscle relaxer (or two) to help me sleep some nights, then you fall off a building, break a large percentage of the bones in your body, and then try to lead a somewhat normal life. By the way, remember that commercial from the '80's when the Dad catches the kid doing drugs? Remember what the kid said? "I learned it from watching you." Chances are, your kids are learning their bad habits from you, not me. Where do you think I learned how to drink and curse? That's right...my Mama. She's damn proud of it too.
 
And speaking of...if you think I curse like a sailor, well, then, you're correct. If you have a problem with that, stop fucking reading my damn blog. I don't criticize your obviously fake, 24/7 sunshine and rainbows blog. I don't like yours, so guess what? I don't read it. You don't like mine? Stop fucking reading it.  
 
I didn't start my blog so you could read it. I started my blog so I could bitch about my life. If you happened to stumble across it, fine. Keep on stumbling right on over to the next one. I don't need your bullshit. I have enough of my own, thankyouverymuch.
 
Sincerely,
An obviously drugged out, alcoholic, broken-down, hypocritical (my fave), horrible role model.
 
Oh, by the way... kiss it, bitch.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

what the hell does that mean?

I've been stewing on this for a few days and wasn't sure what I was
stewing about. On Monday I went to my first bi-weekly appointment with
the nutritionists for the Gestational Diabetes. I've been going once a
month since week 8 of this pregnancy and I am proud to have kept my
sugars under control via exercise and diet. Up until this point I've
been praised and patted on the back for all the hard work that goes
into that and it is hard work and a huge pain in the ass. I thought my
problem was that they were being a little nit-picky with the type of
bread that I've been buying. The brand we've been buying is low carb
and has higher than 3 grams of fibre per slice which is what they
suggest.

So, I'm with the dietician before going into see the Doctor and she's
giving me a hard time about my pre-breakfast numbers because they are
higher than they should be and I'm going to need to change up my bed
time snacks so they'll get lower and then on the way to the Dr, whose
office is down the hall she asks if I had any trouble losing the baby
weight from my last pregnancy five years ago and she gets a shocked
look on her face when I tell her that not only did I not have trouble
but that I went below my pre-pregnancy weight and then she asks me if
Diabetes runs in my family and when I say "no" she gets another big
surprised look on her face and says "that's odd".

And three days later I'm sitting here thinking to myself "What the
hell was that supposed to mean?" Do I look like I come from a family
rife with Diabetes? Do I look like I'm on the verge of ballooning up
into morbid obesity? Up until this point I've felt pretty good about
how I'm looking this pregnancy. I'm still fitting into some non-
pregnancy pants, I'm walking two to three times a day. I'm not bloated
with fluids, My face is still thin. Now I'm wondering if I'm not
seeing something that others are. All I can say is "Bitch!"

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I recently found out about someone I know.  They are choosing to partake in certain activities that the majority of people would frown upon.  And she just laughs, and says, "Yeah, I am being naughty".  This goes back to an earlier whine asking, doesn't she know better? 
 
The proverbial slap across the face is desperately needed to wake this woman up to the damage she is causing in the lives of two young people.  She needs to shut her mouth, close her legs and turn down the volume. 

Sunday, October 31, 2010

If I Put On A Costume, I'm Getting Candy

and no amount of "aren't you a little too old for this?" is going to deter me.

Friday, October 29, 2010

I Am So Appreciated

Dear Boss,
I was delighted to hear that you wanted to buy your staff lunch for Employee Appreciation Day. After years of making you look good, we all deserve at least one free lunch, right? So, after (1) calling eateries; (2) taking lunch votes; (3) begging mid-managers for money; (4) creating and posting flyers and emails; (5) tracking RSVPs and lunch orders; (6) arranging tables & chairs; (7) picking up the lunches and schlepping them back to the office; and (8) cleaning up afterward (all the while you and your kiss-ass mid-managers sat watching) I simply cannot express how appreciated I felt. Next year, give me $10 and let me eat alone at McDonald's.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

My husband ignores me and won't help me with anything.  (Thank you, World of Warcraft.)  My elderly dog peed on my favorite hat this morning.  My sons "borrowed" $1200 from my Visa without my permission.  I have a fever of 103 and my throat feels like it's on fire.  It's Sunday -and thanks to my sons- I can't afford to go to the E.R. for treatment.  I wish I was well enough; I would kick 'em all out in the rain.  When the best part of my family is a senile dog, I just want to trade my family in for a new model.    

Friday, October 15, 2010

Bigot much?

Really, it is fine that you aren't all into facebook and post like once a year. But when you, with your PhD in Psychology, teaching at a universtiy, comment on my post about gay teens committing suicide because of the bullying and say "parents are lashing out in anger over their childs death" - that makes you look like a complete tool. On my FB page.  I wanted to delete it and defriend you but left it up so all our friends can see what an overeducated bigot you are. I really hope that you don't have any students in the closet in any of your classes.

 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sure, let me be the bad guy whine

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me for caring about the safety of your 6 month
old who is riding in an illegally front facing carseat. I know I may
come across as a know it all biotch, despite all attempts to sound
kind and diplomatic (and I believe I did), but my intentions are
nothing but good and caring. I would never forgive myself if something
happened and I had never said anything. And all of this I would gladly
tell you if you would be an adult and respond to my freaking email and
voice mail. Yes, I know you got them. Telling you my concerns was not
easy for me, but that's what friends do -- they look out for each
other. But I guess we both know that we were never really friends.

And to you, friend who first noticed the situation, said you couldn't
let it go, but was too chicken to say anything? Thanks for so
graciously letting me be the bad guy. You had very well not throw me
under the bus if the subject ever comes up.

Monday, October 4, 2010

shouldn't she know better?

When it comes to kids, parents are often the best ones to know, right?  Especially about their own kids?  Now, what if that said parent is also a teacher?  Isn't there the added training about chronological progression through life,.... what is in the best interest of children in general?  What is acceptable and not? 
 
So why is it that sometimes you find a teacher that is also a parent that does things, says things, that just make you shake your head and wonder what the hell is the matter with them?!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Amazon Rant

How come every time I place an order at Amazon, which is OFTEN I tell you, the golden box deal of the day is either coordinated His&Her Snuggies or Men's Flannel lounge pants. ?

--

Thursday, September 16, 2010

My whine

You had to be the first. First to get an awesome job. First to get married. First to buy a house. First to have a baby. First to have a second baby. First to get a serious illness. First to die. Now I just want to talk to you, but you have the nerve to be dead. How could you leave me and what will I do with the rest of my long life without you.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I want to rename our wireless router BITCHASS and broadcast it and see how my HOA handles complaints about that. 

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Chocolate Coated Whine

I started a new healthy lifestyle, I eat right, I exercise most every day, I have lost 14lbs in one month. Everything is going great during the day. However, every night this week I have dreamed of Reese's peanut butter cups and Snickers bars. The sub-conscience runs deep...sigh.

I may be mocked but I'm willing to take the chance...

Here's a whine for ya...

I'm thin. Not ghostly, bone protruding thin, but for an over forty
year old woman I am doing all right, sort of. I work out, eat right,
eat wrong, I am raising 4 children (two of whom will be in high school
this coming fall), I drink wine. I also complain about my body. I
complain about my expanding waist and my sagging boobs. The weight is
creeping up and no one likes that I want to complain about it. Yes,
you heard right - I'm complaining and I say we thin gals have a right!
My friends roll their eyes when I tell them it's hard to find a size 3
(2s can be snug on the old butt and 4s bag on my waist). "Oh such
problems," they mutter - not so I can't hear them, mind you. I get it.
People want to be thin, but I am watching things happen to my body,
too. Why can't I complain about them? I have a belly roll. I don't
like my belly roll. Why do you laugh when I show it to you? My butt
has gotten bigger, it has! And it depresses me. Do I have to have a
butt you could land a plane on for you to acknowledge that my bigger
self icks me out like yours does? Let us thin friends into your circle
of misery, that's all we ask. I want to be able to say to you "Oh, I
shouldn't have that" when we both stare at the double chocolate layer
cake and have you tell me "no, you shouldn't". I want you to nod your
head in understanding when I complain that I DO need Spanx under that
new dress and I want you to mean it!!!
--
Diane Kutney
http://moonclippings.blogspot.com/

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Get a Grip

We've been married 13 years.  And have 5 amazing children.  Have survived crap that would tear other couples apart and been happy.  The best couple I know.  And now?  For some reason you've decided to be an idiot.  Honey, the Good Ship Irresponsible sailed 14 years ago.  You better get a grip and pull it together.  Quickly.  Or it's going to get uglier than you could ever imagine.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Who names a hurricane Earl?

Now I can't get that Dixie Chicks song "Goodbye Earl" out of my head.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Open Toe Boots! A Must Have for ...er...




What moron thought that this would be a great idea?

Is it for people who love both boots and sandals, and yet can only afford one or the other? Well, at just over $500 a pair, these women now don't-have-to-choose! Oh, if only Sophie had it this easy!

Special thanks to @Taradublinrocks for tweeting this abomination!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I'm Single and My Life is Boring

It's times like this where it just suddenly hits me: I'm single and my life is boring.
It's a holiday night, it's right after exam results, and I'm not out partying with my friends and celebrating. Dear god, my nearest friend is fifty miles away anyway. No: instead, I'm sat inside with my laptop on my knees, reading badly-written racy amateur fiction on FictionPress.com. I put on makeup and got dressed up to go and do my grocery shopping at ASDA today because I go out so little that ASDA seems like the place to wear four-inch heels. I've never gone out clubbing in my life, because I prefer to spend my money on silly clothes with sillier names from designer labels nobody's heard of and so I'm flat broke most of the time. I don't even drink or smoke, but I do dress like a crazy little Victorian girl with a floral pattern obsession, and the most human contact I get in a day is the stares when I walk down the street to get another bottle of flavoured water.

And, you know, I'm not quite sure how this happened. Because most of the time I feel all WHOO YEH! I'M SINGLE! NO RISK OF ARBITRARY HEARTBREAK! and then things go wrong a bit, I lose my job in a budget cut, I struggle with the rent and my landlady shouts at me, my growing student debt waves a cheerful hand with the latest letter, and it hits me like OH FUCK, I'M SINGLE. My last courtship was several years ago, and it lasted two months; a neurotic, clingy dork with no respect for personal boundaries. No, make that my only courtship. Ever.
Maybe it's something to do with the fact that I use words like 'courtship', but it strikes me that not being disablingly ugly, thick or having disgusting habits, I really should be able to find someone. Nay, by all accounts I'm a pretty and intelligent young woman, and I still can't find a date. If the fifty-ton man could get a girlfriend, what the hell's stopping me?

...Or maybe I should just get out more.

Yours,
A Grateful, yet Anonymously Sad Singleton

Sunday, August 22, 2010

deja vu all over again

Lets see the last time i was pregnant you went on a big ol' party
binge, stayed out all night and most of the next day after springing
your plans on me with little notice. Are we really going to do this
all over again? Sure you actually came home this time but we have
plans in the morning and I' the one who has to get up with our child
and make sure Daddy isn't woken up because he had a late night...ummm
yeah I don't think that's gonna happen. Get ready for an early wake up
call

Thursday, August 19, 2010

my secret spineless whine

Dear Husband,
 
Thank you for waking me at 3:00 am to look at the pile of dog diarrhea on the floor. You were already cleaning it up, did you need to be comforted while doing so, because really, was it necessary for me to be woken out of a sound sleep and trudge out to the living room to view the liquidy ooze? Did you need confirmation that it was indeed a pile of runny dog shit and not some alien life form that had slunk into our house to eat your brains? At that moment I was questioning whether your brains had been sucked out of your head because THREE FUCKING AM.
 
That damn dog eats her own shit and the occassional gopher, so periodic bouts of dog diarrhea are not uncommon, remember? She'd eat your shit right out of the toilet as if it were a gourmet meal if she had the chance. This is why she is not allowed to put her tongue anywhere near my face.
 
The next time you wake me up at that hour to verify the existence of dog shit on the floor, I might just have to rub your nose in it.
 
Your loving irritated wife.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Mean Girls

Karma will get you one day for bashing that softball size rock on my daughter’s car and causing that big dent that will take a new hood to fix. A car that she worked all summer to earn money to buy and is paying me back on the couple hundred she had to borrow so she had it in time for school, so I did not have to change my schedule to take her. She is a much better person than I because I would like to take that rock and put it through the windshield of that new Explorer that your mommy bought you.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Sleepover Invite

No, it is NOT okay for you to invite your son to a sleepover at MY house. The last (any only) time he came over he made a huge pee mess on the toilet seat in the bathroom and wouldn't stop insisting that he watch movies that I don't feel are appropriate for my 10 year old. All this, and you've never once offered to have either of my kids over to YOUR house for a sleepover. Seriously? We are not good enough friends for that. Plus, my hubby doesn't even like your family, so that makes it even harder to get together. Stop inviting yourself to things at MY house!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hi Godmom!!!

Hey! I am following you on Twitter. I doubt you will follow me back though since you are all "famous" and shit. You haven't seen me since I was 12. I think that the only reason my mother, your 2nd cousin, made you my godmother is so she could say my Godmother is a C-list actress. But your husband is B-list. Sometimes I wonder if she even told you that your were my Godmother???? Since my aunt stood in for you at my baptism. Well, if you follow me back I will try again to watch your show....it did not hold me the first time.  My blog is really funny though, and I could uh, really help you with your website some. Well, see you around. P.S. I am really glad you haven't fallen for any of those Real Housewives - in California. Smart Move!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Yes, I'm Jealous of YOU

Yes, I'm jealous of YOU, mom of just one baby. You are getting the mom
experience I had fantasized about when I was pregnant. Well, for about
5 days of my pregnancy before I was told that I was having twins. You,
mom of just one baby, can go wherever you want. Sit with said baby at
Starbucks. Take said baby to the pool with you. Drop said baby off
with the grandparents so you can go get a pedicure (did I also mention
I am jealous of you because your parents live nearby?). Pass said baby
off to husband so you can eat your meal in peace instead of both of
you having to struggle to eat while monitoring/holding/wrangling two
mobile crazies in a house where people think it's ok to have glass end
tables and sharp edged doo hickeys laying around. You can also more
than likely afford to put said baby in mother's day out when she's
ready. Heck, even if you just stay home, you can hold your baby when
she cries instead of having to choose which one gets held and which
one has to cry in the swing. Yes, you may think having a baby is hard
work, but you have no idea what hard work is until you try to
breastfeed preemie twins on a never ending 3 hour schedule, in which
you're lucky if you get 90 minutes of sleep before you have to start
again. No idea.

And now that I have an infant #3, I am also jealous of YOU, mom of
just twins. How crazy is that?

Ugh!

So I can't believe that these stupid diet pills are making me cranky.....I'm trying to lose weight but I hav to always be ina bad flippin mood and piss off everyone around me.....and if I don't do it then I hav to live with fat self. I'm already starving myself and I can't lose nothing...ugh...FML
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Monday, July 26, 2010

No wonder I have trouble counting calories...

If I buy a ready-mixed SlimFast I get 325mls of shake.
If I buy the powder and mix it with milk, the directions say to only use 250mls of milk.
Yet they both count as a full meal - and one is nearly a quarter more than the other?
But it also means that I can't use the empty bottle to measure my own shakes in! Ggggrrrrr!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Bad Friend!

The Dog that I have owned for 10 years just recently passed away and after getting over the initial shock of the matter I turn to my best friend who knew how much my dog meant to me and is a fellow dog lover, so I thought out of anyone she would understand but boy was I wrong. So I IM her at first trying to make casual conversation asking how her weekend had been. After she went on and on about how spectacular her weekend was the conversation ends without her asking me how I had been. After five minutes she begins talking all about her self again (very typical) I had to interrupt her mid sentence to say my dog died her response is....."Are you kidding" followed by the cliché I'm sorry call me if you need anything. So three days go bye and I have not heard a word from her, even though I was online for an hour while she was she could not be bothered to IM me ( I always have to IM little princess first) Finally on the third day she text me to cancel plans for tomorrow. Even though I was really upset with her we starting talking again and made plans for the upcoming weekend which she cancelled to go to the city, with her other friends that I am also friends with, to go to a museum she knew I would be interested in. She could have invited me but she chose not to, why? I've known her for a while and it doesn't take a while for me to figure out that she wanted to look the best out of everyone and apparently I did not fit in that equation. She is one of those girls who is self conscious when she needs a little ego boost, but honestly she is the most cocky person I have every met. And I really hope she does not try to talk to me to tell me how fabulous her weekend is because I will tell her how disgusting she truly is and how self centered she is because apparently "she does give a shit about people" Yeah right you're so stupid.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Bail out this Farm!

My daughter spent $285 on "gems" for the FREE "farm story" game on her ipod. How do those game developers sleep at night?

And WTF is the connection between farms and gems anyway?

(Yes, I should have noticed that she somehow figured out the itunes
password and shouldnt have linked my credit card to the account. Hell,
I got what I deserved letting a 9 year old child even have an iTouch.
I'm a miserable mother. I just wish I were a miserable mother with an
extra $285)

whine

My biggest fear about quitting working and staying at home with my children is how BORING I would become. Not bored, but boring. I love my stay-at-home-mom friends. Really, I do. And I respect what they do for their families. But they are the most boring bunch of people I know.


About Bob the Builder

Congrats on your new room addition. I've been really patient, but so far it has taken Bob 3 weeks just to remove the roof from your 2 car garage. How much longer do you think it's gonna take? Do you think that maybe he should get some more guys up there to help out? Maybe some younger ones that look like Justin Timberlake? Shirts optional - I'm flexible. I don't know, it seems like during these dog days of summer there are probably some junior high boys that would love to help demo some stuff for like, free pizza??  In the meantime, is it OK of I put some stuff in your big commercial dumpster? I have some closets and stuff to clean out and your driveway is closer than the household dropoff plus they only let me "drop" twice a month.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

WHAT THE "SIX FLAGS" AT THE SIX FLAGS AMUSEMENT PARK APPARENTLY REPRESENT:



1. Morbid obesity

2. Toothless baby mamas

3. Prison tats of Jesus and/or marijuana

4. Babies drinking Dr. Pepper

5. Wet XXXL Tweety Bird tank tops

6. Visions that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my fucking life

Saturday, July 10, 2010

INTERESTING, isn't it? HR was all ready to give me a 2 week suspension
without pay due to you and your little friends saying I had used the N
word when talking to and about you and how I threatened you with
physical violence UNTIL I told them my attorney was involved. Now that
you cannot give a date or time or any evidence to the LIE you told, HR
isn't so eager to be on your side. Interesting....

Friday, July 9, 2010

Zit whine

Seriously? I have gorgeous skin alll summer (spent with children) and suddenly the weekend I plan on spending with exciting new people I grow mt. pimple right on my CHEEK! Dude...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Lindsay Lohan is Going to Jail!

So she tried to sob her way out of it, by saying things like "I'm not taking this as a joke, it's my life and it's my career."

But here's the thing, LoHo--it's not just your life. It's the lives of others that you endanger by driving drunk.

I'm delighted that she'll be locked up.

Friday, July 2, 2010

HOW THE HELL. . .

s my daughter with the sprained ankle supposed to put no weight on her foot when you doctors won't give her crutches?  The ER doctor didn't send her home with any -- and I was too relieved that it was just a sprain to think to ask.  Her primary care doc decided to defer to the Orthopaedist -- who I just found out wasn't planning to see her until Tuesday though PC doc wanted her seen last night because of worsening symptoms.  So here we are, hauling an 11 year old up and down stairs and watching her hop on one foot to get to the bathroom, in and out of the dr's offices and hospital.  Idiots. 

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What was he thinking??

What on God’s green Earth would possess my husband to put a plastic “Honey Bear” filled with honey, in the microwave (lid on and closed tight), set the microwave timer for 5 minutes and go and watch TV?   

 

Just asking…..while I am cleaning honey off of every fucking surface within a 15 foot diameter of the microwave.  And yes, I am cleaning it up because he can’t do anything right.

 

Signed,

 

Flaming pissed in WI

 

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Way off Target

Really, Target.com?  You don't tell people items aren't in stock or unavailable?  You just randomly change the color of the item added to the cart?  No pop-up, no warning?  How pissed would I be to open a box, expecting 4 white and 2 black Champion compression t's for my sons, and find 6 'Cupid Red' t's?  REALLY SUPER PISSED.  Be glad I noticed the problem before I finished placing my order and called to question what I was seeing. 

Monday, June 28, 2010

Theresa is not my name

You have been leaving messages at work for 4 months now for Theresa, who, apparently has some payment issues. I have been here over 10 years and we have never shared an extension. People call me a lot of things but not Theresa. Today your robo-caller called for T during the day and gave me the option to inform you this was a wrong number. Thanks!!! But, don't put me on hold for 15 minutes?!

Friday, June 25, 2010

My Mother

I love you ... I know you are my mother but I'm a big girl now. When you ask what I want for my Birthday/Christmas and I tell you in specific terms (including brand name, etc) ... that does NOT mean you should go out and buy the cheaper version. Its not a $2000 handbag, its a $100 piece of software.  That's a $20 difference. Eeesh!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

School Whine

Despite already having a bachelors degree I have made the insane decision to return to school. WHY? Because apparently I'm a masochist. But that is a whine for another day. Anyway, I find myself constantly surrounded by 18 year old girls who keep asking me "Do you have babies? I LOVE babies!" or saying things like "OMG You're married? That's so cool!" and 18 year old boys who say things that I don't even pretend to understand at all but most of them seem to have something to do with either  Megan Fox.  This is all a bit annoying but still I put myself here so I can't complain too much. Until today....
I'm half way through my  course work when my dept. head informs me that they are going to begin using a new program for my degree....and that I will have to adhere to it. WTF? They cant just change things like that in the middle of my degree! What about grandfathering?!? Every other college on EARTH allows you to graduate with the program you started in. So again I say, WTF??? So basically now half the classes I have taken are useless and I have to cram 3 semesters worth of classes into two so I can still finish on time, OH and work a full time job. SO....Pissed...Off....


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Is the salad spinner top supposed to be Jack-in-the-boxish?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

darnit

It's "only" three months until I see him again. I'm more then ready to see him.
But if he keeps talking about thinking of me flirting with/kissing/etc other men.. I darn well might

Monday, June 14, 2010

I tried to surprise my husband by getting our wedding video transferred from VHS to DVD but apparently I need permission from the videographer.

Who DIED eleven years ago.

I'm pretty sure this is not why copyright laws were invented.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

My Bitch List

Things that have made the last 24 hours fun, and those that will make the next 12 hours even more fun:
 
1.  Migraine
2.  'Aunt Flo'
3.  Toddler loses paci.
4.  Insomnia
5.  Toddler wakes up 6 times (after I finally fall asleep) looking for lost paci.
6.  Toddler wakes up at 6 a.m., crawls into bed with me and announces, "The sun is out!"
7.  Today is toddler's birthday.
8.  Still have migraine.
9.  Toddler still doesn't have paci.
10. Toddler will not nap today without paci
11.  I would buy him another but I would feel guilty because today he's 3.  Do I really want this to continue?  Quite possibly, yes.  (go ahead and judge me now!)
 
And how was your day? 

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Is it hot in here?

I've recently started having hot flashes and night sweats. YOU my loving husband are not. So when I start fanning myself and complaining about how hot I am...just shut.the.hell.up. Your smartass comments about putting on shorts or how You're not ready for this just prove what a dick you are.
Signed,
Shut up and bring me a glass of ice water

Monday, May 24, 2010

Weighing It All

Everyone around me is losing weight...pills, shots, lapband, gastric bypass....and they are all losing it FAST!
 
I want to lose weight too, but I want to do it the healthiest way possible...and I want to change my eating habits along the way so I'm better equiped to keep the weight off. But it's hard when your results are not as fast as those who have taken more 'drastic' steps. And it's discouraging when there are people dropping the weight so quickly and are not 'humble' about it. Throwing it in your face. Criticizing what you're doing. Offering you the clothes that don't fit them anymore (and not in a nice 'I'm being so generous' way). And the bragging bragging bragging.
 
It's so tempting....the 'drastic' measure.
 
 

A Whine

I sent my immediate family an email this weekend. It read "finally after ten years of marriage and three children, we have a booked a trip away together." It included the dates that our children will be staying with my family. My father responded that maybe my sister (middle child that we tip toe around) and her soon-to-be-husband should come along. My mother seconded that idea and said my sister should plan a week away because she's probably exhausted after planning a wedding*. No one mentioned us, the couple that has spent the last seven years wiping asses times three.

I wanted to respond, that if she makes it to ten years and has three children she will realize that planning her wedding for a year WAS a fucking honeymoon.

*Wedding next month. Insert jazz hands here.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Do You Enjoy a Freshly Folded Sunday Newspaper?

Then you should probably not come over to our house. Because my 8 year old was trying to find the Mets' score from last night and The New York Times was stupid enough not to put it on the front page.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

A ballet mom whine

This is the 4th show all of us moms have received an e-mail asking us to 'Please look in your child's ballet bag and with their costumes. We're missing Spoiled-Brat-Daughter's (fill in the blank here). Please make sure you didn't put in with your child's stuff." Only to receive an e-mail 24 hours later with, "Oops. We found it."
This is how it works:
1. Label each piece of your child's costume (including shoes and tights) as well as the clothing they wear to and from the theater. And, for that matter, their DS, DS games, and toys.
2. Double check BEFORE you leave the theater that you have all parts of your child's costume. (and other crap)
3. If you arrive home and are missing a costume piece, assume it's there somewhere and LOOK AGAIN.
4. If you STILL don't find it, go back to the theater and hunt there. No, you may not shortcut this step by calling the dance teacher(s) or theater staff to perform the search for you.
5. If steps 2-4 are still unsuccessful, lecture your daughter -- and yourself -- about the proper care of their dance costume(s) and write off the missing piece as a learning experience.
6. Do not stand around and talk about how you're tired of things going missing at the theater if you haven't taken the proper steps to care for, be responsible for, and teach responsibility for belongings to Spoiled-Brat-Daughter. Especially if you haven't completed steps 2-4 which have yielded the missing costume piece every single time.
7. Assume that all the other parents have something better to do than
a.) look for your daughter's costume -- which they certainly don't have
b.) listen to you bitch about things being missing -- when they really aren't
c.) worry that there might actually be someone stealing items during ballets and recitals -- when there's not
d.) run around with a stray costume piece after a performance trying to locate its owner -- especially if it's not labeled!!
Upon completing step 7 please move on to the next section, which will be titled: How To Pull Your Head Out Of Your Ass And Teach Your Child To Be Kind, Patient, and Respectful Even If You're Not

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'll be honest. When my kid's school calls and says your grandson is sick, but there's a terrible accident and the road is closed in my direction, and I call you and ask you to pick him up and you say you can't because you haven't had breakfast yet, and it's after 10 am, well, I become a little less concerned with the amount of jello on the floor of your soon-to-be nursing home.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I don't mind doing my family's laundry

and I don't mind folding the clothes.

What I do mind is when my kids are too lazy to put their clothes away and rather than deal with the folded piles on top of their dressers, they put the clothes, FOLDED back into the dirty clothes hamper.

I mind that very, very much.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Screwed again...

By the “Families with Children” parking space. What’s with this?

How about the “Lazy shopper with only 5 minutes” space? Ah, yes, that’s right next to the “Women too selfish to have children” bus stop.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Come on, Old Navy.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

mother's day plans

Dear blessed husband,
When I tell you that a dear friend has invited a whole bunch of families (including ours) for Mother's Day dinner, you would do well NOT to say "That's okay because the time for the dinner reservations wasn't very good anyway."
This only serves to confirm that for ANOTHER year you didn't bother to do anything about Mother's Day until a day or two before the event, when all the normal dinnertime reservations have been taken and all that is left is 4:30 or 7:30. If you had kept your mouth shut or only said that you would cancel the reservations that you made, I would only have my suspicion that you delayed too long, not absolute proof.
Mother's Day is clearly marked on the vast majority of calendars in America. This means the date is available to you in January, if not earlier. Restaurants book reservations well in advance. There is no excuse. Get your head out of your butt and act on things in a timely manner.
Ditto Christmas and my birthday.
Your blessed wife

Friday, May 7, 2010

Work Whine

Dear rest of the office;
If you are all going to leave me alone here, literally, the only one in the office,on Friday afternoons AT LEAST give me the authority to deal with problems b/c the s**t always seems to hit the fan right about 4:00 and all I can say is "Uhhh you need to talk to so and so, He's not here can I let you leave a message?" And then I get yelled at b/c people want to know why no one is in an office at 3:30 on a weekday. I know you all want to go home at 3:00 and go fishing or whatever but I'm just the part-time secretary. Since I am at the absolute bottom of the food chain around here any mistake I make is landing firmly on your shoulders not mine. Just something to think about.
P.S. Mr. Boss, Three phone lines cannot sanctimoniously be answered by one person. When you call three times and don't get an answer b/c I am too busy getting screamed at by and angry parent, and then yell at me b/c I'm the only one here...not cool! Have to go now, phone is exploding. Ugh.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Breathe. Or Take a Breath

When you take a breath, you breathe. Please don't write that you can't "breath".

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Men are confused creatures.

Just because my husband is the one who is doing the work of painting the back porch, what makes him believe he has a say on the color choice?
Men.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dear quad mate,

Dear quad mate, we've been working together for three years now. I know you love the team atmosphere because you get to share every single solitary thought that flies through your head. But seriously, if I am not in the quad when you are sharing, I CANNOT answer any questions about the topic the second I walk back into the quad. Really.

Arm Whine

Just joined a gym. Where they walk you through an abs, upper body, and lower body workout your first few visits. Did the upper body on Saturday. Now? The muscles in my arms have been so knotted up the last two days that I can't completely straighten them. Do you know how difficult it is to take care of personal business with this problem?

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Pissy Hubby

Yes, the house is messy. No, I didn't slave away to clean it because
OMG I haven been home, and now you have to help. Quit being a total
pissy bastard and just suck it up.

I am not responsible...

For shit I hit with my car backing out of the garage. Period.

 

I *do not* routinely check underneath or behind my car before getting into it and driving away. I was educated at a state school in Florida, not by the g-damn Secret Service. If I could carry a gun, then maybe I would…nah, I still wouldn’t do it.

 

So, beware! Golf clubs, step ladders, tools, helmets, balls, spray cans, garbage, dumbbells, midgets, deer and unicorns – I will run over you!

Monday, April 26, 2010

don't turn my kid into a mall rat!

Thanks to the social networking site that starts with an F and ends with a K, I learned that my daughter, over the weekend, spent hours unsupervised at the mall.  
She was spending the night with a friend.  The parent in charge dropped the two girls off to meet up with several other friends.  Together they roamed the mall with no parent keeping them in check.  Age?  12.

  I don't like for my older teenager to do this.  I think malls are a hotbed of materialism.  What they don't see they won't be tempted to buy.  But mostly I worry about perpetrators lurking.  And the temptation to shoplift, which common sense tells me probably increases the longer kids are left on their own.  

I can hardly believe that so many parents dropped their kids off and agreed to this arrangement.  Am I over protective? Out of touch?  A fuddy-duddy mom?  I let my kids take long walks in the woods behind our house... I let them ride their bikes and wander around the neighborhood without supervision.  But the mall?  

Is it just me?  
.  

Advice

Before you go telling me how inappropriate my daughters hair cut and color(s) is, you might want to consider something. My daughter listens to me and is well behaved. Yours is addicted to the internet and so spoiled she can be heard whining from down the block. Who is the bad parent here?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Do you not have an editor?

Just finished the second Sookie Stackhouse novel by Charlaine Harris.  In the first book Bill, one of the main characters, had five children and his name was William Erasmus Compton.  In the second book, he said he had three children, one of whom died in infancy, and his name is William Thomas Compton.  For real, Charlaine?  From one book to the next, such a major inconsistency?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Sandra Bullock Photographed Without Her Wedding Ring

Why exactly is this news?

What I'd love to see is Sandra Bullock photographed with Jesse James' balls on her keychain.

Mostly Wordless Whining


Are you implying that my feet look fat?

Saturday, April 17, 2010

You really piss me off...

For the past year we have had a great time together. We had date nights, you liked the same thing i was into, we cared about each other, and the sex was fantastic! So help me understand why you have to be such a dumbass? I have loved you more than anyone in my life; and you pissed it all away! I haven't heard from you in just shy of 2 weeks; all over a fight and pride. Well I am sorry, but you are almost thirty, you need to grow up... take the nipple out of your mouth, and become a man. You live at home, you work for your parents, and you can't even drive a car! What do you want me to say? Especially when you start the fight with me. All b/c you won't drive, and I get annoyed with it. Hello?! I am your girlfriend... not your mom!
I love you; but I don't want a guy with a petter-pan complex in the long run. Soulmate or no. You want to live in some kind of dream world and hide from the real one. I work hard, I am independent, and ambitious, and you have the nerve to say it's a bad thing? That your looser way of life is better b/c you have no "wants" in life? WTF?! I am sorry to inconvience you with with my plans for my life, at least i have some. Not all of us want to do "nothing" in life.
So now we are not talking; both of us have too much pride I guess. I am not going to chase you. I am not going to beg. I am done trying. The thing that really pisses me off is I can't get you off my mind. I really have it bad for you, and I don't even now why. So if you can dismiss me after all of the wonderful things we have had together, then Fuck You doll.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Shopping

I seriously yearn to go shopping. I hate crowds. I don't have anything to wear. I don't REALLY need to shop for clothes, I DO need to do laundry. *wimper*

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Whine

In the past three weeks I have had my house broken into, and had to rush halfway across the country because my family was worried that my grandfather was dying. Then my aunt and I spent 5 days taking 12 hour shifts at his bedside because the rest of the family had worn themselves down from doing it and were in bed sick. Then while I was there my doctor calls me and tells me I need to have a biopsy done to make sure I don't have cancer. I finally make it home after fighting to keep my grandfather alive and then my sweet little dog gets out of the backyard and goes missing. I then find out the next day that she was hit by a car. After I spent 24 panicked hours trying to find out if she was ok and where she was and finally get her home I let you know. You then reply that I should come over to your house because "you are stressed and need attention". Really?! YOU are stressed? I can't imagine why! You seem to have pretty much checked out while I was going through all this, so WHAT could you POSSIBLY be stressed about?!

my hand hurts

my thumb is messed up. my wrist is sprained. i've had to over use the other hand for 10 days now and it's sore. however, i just slammed my injured hand into the door jam. i think i am a danger to myself. i need a bubble.
--
http://www.issascrazyworld.com

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Listen up spammers!

Your chinese spam is cute how you do it in different colors. But, I was really looking forward to 15 legitimate new whines today. thanks for nothing.

Friday, April 9, 2010

you don't know

Why is it when it comes down to what you want, what you really want, others seem to always know better?  Whether it is what food to eat, where to eat it, when to eat it...or maybe it is bigger, more important things...like who you love, who you want to be with and when you want to be with them.  We all make our own choices, don't we?  And in the end, we all must only answer to ourselves.  So why is it that I am always worrying about what others will think, if I am doing the "right" thing?  WTF?  Who really determines what the right thing is?  Shouldn't it be ME?  Making those decisions for me, my kids?  For my happiness?
 
Okay, I feel a bit better now. 
 
Even if my whine has bothered some of those I am worried about pleasing, I am keeping it the way it is.  And remember, I love you all!!
 
posted by that girl

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Annoying and Flattering

When I post something on my blog and my father calls me to comment on it.

Because, yes, it's flattering that he cares enough to call, but also annoying because I'm aware of him reading while I'm writing.

Friday, April 2, 2010

I'm trying here

Hey. I know you have a hardass for a boss, and you have to pay two women child support every month. I know what your mother is like - I've been married to your brother for almost five years now. So you totally earned your vacation. That is not in dispute.

And truly, your brother and I were so excited when you said you wanted to come visit us for your vacation. We haven't seen anyone in three months, having moved 12 hours away from, well, pretty much everybody we know. Your nephew and nieces were terribly excited, too - they love to see their uncle! He's so fun! He reads stories and plays and treats them like people, not just annoyances.

But you brought your friend. The lush. The dude that your brother dislikes for being a total a-hole to you on a regular basis for the last, oh, ten years or so. And he slept on my floor for five days. And told me about his sexual exploits with his ex-girlfriend. And, oh yeah, completely ignored the fact that my kids lived here and acted like they were jerks for wanting to do the same thing they do every morning EVER, FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS (watch PBS, by the way) because he was too busy SLEEPING OFF HIS HANGOVER. One day, your brother got up for work at the same time you two were getting in in the morning. Seriously? But again, it's your vacation, I'll bite my tongue, and hope you have a great vacation.

I thought I'd gotten over it until I heard that you took off for another night out with this SAME LUSH this week and were gone for two days. Really? How did work like that? How'd your three kids like that? Hope you make it home in time for the Easter Egg Hunt on Sunday, jerk. Oh, and btw, Grandma's sister died. Your mom's been trying to get ahold of you, but for some reason, you haven't been returning her calls. You might want to call Grandma.


Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Isn't this my vacation too?

My Dearest Hubs,

I know our upcoming trip back to New Orleans for a visit is exciting for you. It's exciting for me too. Yes, I realize you grew up there, while I only lived there a few years. Yes, I realize your grammar school/high school/college friends/former coworkers/neighborhood grocery store check out lady/dry cleaner/pharmacist/baseball coach/and your 3rd grade math teacher are all eager to see you, but notsomuch me (since you never bothered to introduce me to them when we lived there for years...together). You see, when you tell me we're going to need to make time for all these important people, it makes me... completely... INSANE.

But guess what? This is my vacation too. If I want to take 1 measly hour out of a 5 day trip to go get a pedicure from my most favorite place in the world, guess what? I will. And if I want to "waste" an hour or two or hell, even three, shopping, guess what? I will. And if I need to go have a drink with a girlfriend (mainly to bitch about you), I fucking WILL.

Stop trying to write a damn itinerary in fucking stone. Please?

-Your loving and adoring wife



Saturday, March 27, 2010

Man Cold

My husband has a man cold.

Which apparently is short for "Ebola".

Help me.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Son of a Bitch

Why is it that after a huge fight, you can just fall asleep with no problem? Seriously. You just treated me like complete shit and now you are sleeping like a baby. Truthfully, I did nothing to deserve this treatment (and I'm not just saying that). You're mad at someone else and you're taking it out on me. You lashed out at me, said some very mean things, and went to fucking bed. And now, I am left to lie awake and be alternately furious and sad through no real doing of my own. Sometimes you can be a real son of a bitch, ya know that?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

IP address much?

If you have been growing "in a different direction" for so long now that you don't want to be friends anymore, then why do you still read my blog?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

So, I understand we both aren't going to be in the mood at the same time. I also know that you moving 1,000 miles away to be closer to home, work, and school are all great and I can't wait until I finish my B.A. in May to join you. HOWEVER, I'm not asking you to really be turned on and hard. Hell I'm not even asking for phone sex. Sexting is all. 13 years olds can do it, you can to, when you really want. I know this because you do it when you want some and we can't talk and be together. So, how about ya fake it? I do it all the time. When I tell you I'm wearing lacy panties and tank? Yeah, it's actually your sweats and a tshirt. I promise, next week when I come visit I will make it worth your while. Thanks babe!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Dear Evil Stepfather:

We sure have had our differences, haven't we? I know it was unforgivable of me to hate you all those years you beat the holy shit out of my mother, all the times we ate ketchup sandwiches because you drank up all the grocery money. All the times we kids went to school with no lunch (or breakfast), and those winters we frequently had no jackets. We went 4 years without hot water because you refused to pay the bill. We went that long without having TV to watch either—although it didn't stop you from waking us up in the middle of the night (on a school night), and making us sit on the couch, where we could neither speak, move nor look at anything until you got tired of the game and passed out. That was your favorite game, wasn't it?

Then I got old enough for college; college that you refused to help ME pay for, although you paid both my older sister's way through college (even though they were both married), and my younger brothers too—because your business was making so much money. I never said anything when you bought my baby brother a brand-new Corvette as his first car, when I was given a '78 Granada. I simply moved out and got married. Then came the "keep Kim away from her mother" game which continued until I finally said fuck it and just quit having anything to do with the whole lot of you.

After you started coughing up blood I was so happy! I just knew you'd die soon and I could have my family back---but no dice. You just stopped drinking and smoking, extending your miserable life 20 more years. But you know what, all these things were NOTHING---compared to what you did to me and my son in 2005; see, we were living in Biloxi---less than 3 miles from the water in 2005. We went to stay at a friend's house not far away and that's the only reason we survived Katrina; when we finally were able to check on our mobile home (which the battered women's shelter we were staying in found for us), it was gone. So we came home to Mama, thinking surely it was ok to stay there a couple weeks til we could find somewhere else to live. But YOU told my mother we'd have to leave. You didn't care that we had just lost everything. That was the last straw. We left and I never saw you again because 5 months later the cancer that you'd been refusing to see a doctor about finally killed you. Understandably to me, I chose not to attend your funeral, as I would not have been able to resist my urge to dance in the aisle, laugh out loud, and spit on your worthless carcass. But apparently it wasn't understandable to the rest of my family because they ALL disowned me and my son. So even though you're dead you cost me my whole fucking family. I hope it was worth it to you.

Signed,

Kim, the red-headed stepchild

Sunday, March 21, 2010

i had an affair. I got caught.
i really miss him.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Attention Author of this email

We never received your whine (unless this is it, and that would be weird.)

Hopefully you still have a copy and can resend it! We post all whines, regardless of length!!


Hi:
I know you guys don't really like long whines like this, but it was SO cathartic to me just to write it. I'll understand if you don't post it, but I hope you do. Maybe there are others who are going/have gone through this.
Thank you,

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

My wedding is October 2. I am trying to keep it low key so that my sister doesn’t find out. I want my wedding to be about us – not her.

Girl walks into the ladies room...

Of a fancy restaurant. Checks her lipstick in the mirror and decides on a touch-up.

There’s no counter space, so she puts her purse in the sink and roots around for her lip gloss. The sink, unfortunately, is motion activated. And there are no paper towels, only hand dryers.

Upon return to the table, husband looks at her dripping purse and says, “Couldn’t hold it?”

Monday, March 15, 2010

Please, Make This About You.

I appreciate that you are under stress. And you have apparently been under stress for the last 5 years, making my life more than miserable. But did it ever occur to you that maybe now that I no longer live under your roof, calling to tell me about your stress when you know damn well there is nothing I can do about it but worry might add to my own stress load? I'm trying to make it in nursing school. I'm trying to make my marriage work and keep it healthy. I'm trying to come up with enough money to cover all the bills at the end of the month. I'm trying to get our new house in order and keep it clean (which is nearly impossible when you have a 21-year-old living with you who can hardly brush his own teeth, let alone wash his own dishes... even WHEN asked directly to do so. But that's another story for another day). And I'm trying to keep this baby in until his appropriated due date. So please, let me manage my own stress. And, though it may be completely unthinkable to you, keep your own shit to yourself. I've been your rock for too long and now it's time for me to be my own rock. That may sound selfish, but I have to do what's best for me, my baby, and my family.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

really?

how can you be married to someone for as long as I have and then discover you might not have really known them as well as you thought you did in the beginning?
enough said about that.

Girl walks in to a grocery store....

Spends an hour walking down every aisle to make sure she doesn’t forget anything. She actually scores a BOGO on her favorite moisturizer, finds the Zino water she loves that is usually out of stock, and gets the biggest bag of dog food even though it’s a bitch to get in the cart.

Bartender says, “Where’s your wallet?”

Girl replies, “Fuck.”

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I sat down to do my taxes

But instead ended up watching reruns of Sixteen and Pregnant.

I think the IRS will understand.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I used to look forward to lunch time...

The only person in my office even remotely close to my age used to be really nice to me. We had lunch together nearly every day from June to December. For the last 2 months she's been cold and practically unresponsive. I don't even know what the hell I did (if anything!) to make her start treating me like some useless summer temp. I'm sick of eating lunch everyday with my iPhone as my only company!

Monday, February 22, 2010

A rant on a whiny husband

My husband whines nonstop. He complains about everything. Sometimes
I hate his crybaby guts. He acts like he's got the weight of the world
on his shoulders and is too busy to be bothered by his wife or
children. Asking him to spend time with us or help out around the
house has become a tedious chore in and of itself. He has an excuse
for everything. He never acts like a man and takes responsibilty for
his actions. He sticks his tongue out at our small daughter when she
won't give him kisses whenever he asks. And then he whines at her. I
find that manipulative behavior toward a toddler disgusting. When I
say so to him he retreats physically and emotionally to punish me for
not finding his behavior perfect and charming. I'm very close to done
with him.
My dad treated my mom like a queen, and all of their kids were
treated respectfully and lovingly. How was I duped into thinking my
husband was like my dad, when really he's an ass?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Look what brown can't do

Deliver a damn package, that's what.
Hey UPS! It stopped snowing a week ago; just admit you lost my package
so we can all get on with our life.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Gotta get this off my chest... sorry...

My husband and I will have been married 18yrs this August. (If we make it that long)
We have 2 sons, the oldest of which has autism.
My husband hadn't had a job from before that son was born (1993), right through until April 2009 when I threw him out and told him he could come back when he got a job.
He got a job by the end of the month, working as a gardener. (Even though my garden's like an overgrown jungle)
Then, in October '09 he switched to a job in Engineering, his profession.
He volunteered to work away for 2 weeks in December, meaning that I was left working all day, dealing with the kids, running the house, attending University 2 nights a week (working for my degree) and organising Christmas for us all. (I refused to buy anything for his family this year, as they don't do or get anything for me, so they got nothing)
By the end of December he'd volunteered to work in the US for 3 months (from Jan 6th to Easter Sunday) - we live in the UK.
Divorcing him would have been easier, at least I would have had alternate weekends and some evenings each week when he'd have the boys so I could take a break.
I told him that in future, if he goes away for longer than a month, he needn't bother coming back because he won't be welcome.
I've had to repeatedly explain to my sons "Tell me again why daddy had to go away for 3 months?"
I've head to make the decision to have one of our 4 cats put to sleep due to progressive, painful incurable illness that was discovered during surgery that should have been a routine draining of a cyst.
I had to tell our sons where the cat had gone.
I had to collect his body from the vet.
I had to cut his collar off the cold, stiff, leaking body. (The boys wanted the tags as a keepsake)
I had to organise and lead a funeral service for the boys and bury the cat in our garden.
I had to hold back my own tears to help my sons come to terms with the loss of a cat that we'd had for 13yrs.
I have another cat in for surgery tomorrow with a suspected broken leg.
I've had to learn how to reset circuit breakers because his electrical handiwork means that when it rains too much I lose power to half of my house.
I've learned how to fit magnetic door catches to stop cats going in the airing cupboard and down through the floorboards and under the house.
I dug my car out of 7" of snow.
I've fitted brass cabin hooks to the bedroom doors because I needed them to be open for ventilation, but closed so the cats can't go in.
I worked out why my DVD player was showing only a blue-screen but had correct audio.
I organised my mum to have the boys the 2 evenings a week so that I could carry on with my studies.
I now have door chains on front and back doors because his parents don't appear to know how to use a doorbell properly.
I've had the air conditioning on my car fixed.
I've endured a pregnancy scare because he never went back for the all-clear from his vasectomy 6 years ago.
I've applied for passports for me and the kids, and bought plane tickets to travel half way round the world to go see him, and he hasn't even arranged which days he's taking off work to spend with us.
I've had birthday gifts shipped to him, in time for his birthday.
I had valentines gifts and cards shipped in time for valentine's day.
I had cold & flu meds shipped to him from a local store because he was too sick to go out and buy some.
I've rearranged the boys and my lives so that we can chat with him on Skype for several hours each evening that I'm not at college because he has nothing else to do.
I've installed WebCams around the house so that we can carry on with the Skype whilst I cook, do laundry, tidy up, eat dinner etc.
Now we're 6 weeks in to that 3 months, he's started telling us on Skype about these other projects the company has in Canada and another 2 in the US and I just know he's about to tell us that he'll be home for a couple of weeks at Easter and then he'll be going off on another project - and I'm readying my response, that "anything of yours that you don't take with you, I'll drop off at your mum & dad's, and could you ask them to let me have their door-keys whilst I'm there"
Or should I insist that its my turn to be a stay-at-home parent for 15-years and quit my job so that I have time to keep on top of all the house/kids/college/cats stuff properly, and still have some "me" time every now and then?

Monday, February 15, 2010

The laws regarding snow emergencies need clarification. Specifically: if there's a blizzard coming, old people (1) shouldn't be allowed into Costco. They block the aisles while debating the merits of prune vs raisin ruglach. And c'mon, it's not like they're going to eat all those pickles before they die anyway.

1: For the record, some of my best friends are old people.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Re: ³Ì·s³Ì¦nª±ªº¹C~À¸§Ú­Ì²Î²Î³£¦³

Wait. Are we now being spammed in Algebra?  

Friday, February 12, 2010

dog eat dog world

Dear Pet Owners,
Look, I don't care about your pets. I lie about the severity of my allergies just to keep me from having to go to your stinking, nasty house where animals live indoors. Don't kid yourself--it's not healthy for them or you. You may think you keep your house clean--you don't. You may not think it smells like cat litter or wet fur--it does. You just don't notice it anymore because you live in it. Also, your pets are not some magically altruistic friends and companions, who only think happy thoughts. They don't think much at all. They react. They are a-n-i-m-a-l-s. In the wild, they would eat you. If left without food long enough--they still would. They don't "care"; they don't "love" you. You are totally delusional. Even if I liked your pets, I still wouldn't need to hear stories about them. For godssake, unless it's The Secret of NIHM, keep your animal stories to yourself. And finally, if you treated people half as decently as you treat your pets, or spent half as much money to feed and house people, the world would be a better place for all of us.

Signed,
Snakes and scales and puppy dog tails.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sweethearts

Has anyone else noticed that Necco has changed the flavors of their Conversation Hearts? After working in a flower shop all through college I developed a DEEP dislike for Valentine's day. The white conversation hearts were the only thing that could redeem that day for me. And now? They taste like wacked out Pez. And not even the good Pez I remember from my childhood but the 'improved' version they have out now that taste like chemicals with flavoring added.
GIVE ME BACK MY WHITE CONVERSATION HEARTS!!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Am I the only one like me???

I just started this blog business, so of course, I am checking out a bunch of other blogs. I am sooooo sick of only finding blogs by either stay-at-home, home-schooling, organic-cookie baking moms that blog mostly about how perfectly wonderful their little family is OR…..weird artsy-fartsy 20 somethings that ramble on about crap that does not make sense. Where are the blogs from divorced, single moms that work constantly (at office and home), are totally annoyed with their smart-ass teenagers and WISH they had time to scrap-book, bake cookies or do something other than watch movies from Blockbuster?????????????? FML!

but it's MY day!

My birthday is on Valentines day. Obviously, this means my boyfriend (and every boyfriend I've ever had) DREADS February. But this year, my birthday lands smack dab in the middle of Mardi Gras, too (I live in New Orleans). In college this was fun and party-time-to-the-max. This year it means that I don't even get my own "here's a card and cake that costs less than $10 total per-office-rules" party. I have to share the Mardi Gras potluck (ew) with the whole office. And they think I should be excited, like they're throwing a Mardi Gras party just for me! Suck.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Please Define 'Office Hours'

Dear Anatomy Lab Instructor,

You very kindly listed your office hours in our syllabus. You also posted them on your door... which was closed and locked when I arrived during what I thought was your appointed office time. Interestingly, both postings indicated that you would be in your office from 11 am to 1 pm today. Apparently 1:00 is the same as 12:00 on the planet you are from because I was informed that you had left the building already. A full hour before your office hours should have ended. Most excellent for you. Unfortunately, the rest of us run on real world time and live on the planet EARTH. FML!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Palin’s radical speech

The National Tea Party Convention ended with a Palin for President rally.

This was always slated to be the weekend's main event, with a $100,000 prize purse. But the organizers still hadn't seen a copy of the speech as the crowd streamed into the banquet ballroom. What they got was less a Tea Party manifesto than Sarah Palin's State of the Union speech—an address to a domestic spending

Saturday, February 6, 2010

My kid's not a turtle

I know we were friends before I popped out a kid, and I'm sure you
miss spending time with just me. But seriously, your email inviting me
to see your new apartment? The one where you wrote "The kid can stay
at home?" Bite me. I'd rather see my kid than spend a weekend at your
apartment hearing about how you still wax your ex's balls. I'd rather
read my kid bed time stories than picture some dude's hairless nuts. I
love you. I really do. But enough with the testicles—and lack of tact.

Friday, February 5, 2010

You look like. . .

When you decide to tell a customer that she looks like a famous actress? Don't conclude the thought with, "You know the one from Misery who kidnapped that author and broke his legs." And then keep elaborating on it.
Very bad move.
Working on having your job. Because, that's what Kathy Bates' character would do, obviously.

Monday, February 1, 2010

For the love of all things holy


If that groundhog sees his shadow tomorrow morning, I'm making stew.
Groundhog stew.

Fuck "The Man!"

Maybe it is too much to ask for a bank in the heart of downtown to stay open longer than 3:00 PM. I understand that all those busy bank workers that get off more "holidays" a year than any other normal human in the workforce need to get home so they can be ready for another 8 to... 3 day. But nearly everyone else is without that luxury. So, while my husband works long hours at work and longer hours on our house and is sending me to make sure that there is enough money in our account to pay our mortgage, would it KILL you to put some fucking deposit envelopes in the ATM? Honestly.
I am really glad you proposed and want to spend the rest of our lives together. It would be a little more convincing if you didn't freak out any time we have to talk about planning the actual wedding.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

It's Sunday, there are 7 inches of snow on the ground, and it's 16 degrees. Why can't my kids just veg out in front of the Disney Channel all day like every other kid in America while I surf the web from my bed? Instead it's "Can you help me with my multiplication?" "Can we play the sight word bingo game?" "Can we bake a healthy snack together?"

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Dear Husband,
It would have been nice if you would have mentioned the fact that you need new tires on your car a bit sooner than three days before we are leaving for Disneyland for our son's birthday. You have made me sole financial manager in our house by not showing any interest in what is going on (in more ways than one)...but that doesn't mean I'm a miracle worker....nor does it mean I've found a way to grow money in our back yard. I think what pisses me off even more is that I realize now that this is you...never planning ahead....never paying attention to things that need to be taken care of. And now you will just go about your day and won't think twice about how this will all work out. I on the other hand will stress about how tight our budget will be from now through the next several weeks because of this unexpected expense.
It must be nice to be you.
Love, Your Wife
PS: You didn't endear me to you any more by telling me you forgot to give our other son his cold medicine this morning. A mere 15 minutes after we discussed staying on top of his medicine so he'll be good to go to Disneyland.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I can't get MTV.com to show me full episodes of 16 and Pregnant on my laptop. Now I won't be able to follow the plot of Teen Mom properly.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Dear Conan, Jay and NBC

Thank goodness you solved your idiotic dispute. In this time of national crisis and international tragedy, it's really good to know that you drained us emotionally with your whining, petulance and self-importance.

Good luck to all of you. Clearly, you deserve it.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My best friend SUCKS

Listen, I bend over backwards to encourage you and the one freaking time that I email you and say "OMG! I got into this production(that I've been working on for MONTHS)...I can't believe it....yadayadayada..." All you can say is "That's cool." WTF, man? Then I say "You need to come see in before mentioned production! It will be fun!" and I get "I'll see what I can do." Well, fuck you AND the horse you rode in on. You have given me about as much support and enthusiasm as last years sports bra.
I'm not sure if you noticed when you dropped your kids off at my house this morning, but I'm moving. Those things piled high are boxes, filled with all the items in my house. Those sneezes and coughs ARE coming from my kids from all the dust and allergens being stirred up. Those tears are from me and my kids, we are emotional and stressed out. So bringing your kids to be watched at my house two days before we move wasn't a great idea to begin with. Telling me you are going to work from home today was REALLY not a good idea!!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

marathons and meatloaf

If you have ever run a marathon and your mother-in-law provides you with unsolicited feedback that it's not such a big deal, then when you finish another one and barely make it home, running to catch the plane on your bloody stubbs then it's not such a great idea for your husband to welcome you home with his mother's meatloaf.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I have this foster baby. And everyone who sees her says "I don't know how you do it, I could never give them up." So I say "Well clearly then, you're the better person here." And suddenly *I'm* the bitch?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

kid birthday party humbug

I will pull my hair out if I have to ruin yet another Saturday transporting my kids to buy yet another birthday gift for yet another child they barely know and won't ever want to see again. And since when do kids need to have a party each and every year? Who started that over-indulgent tradition, anyway?

Friday, January 8, 2010

Dog and Husband Whine

My dog has a bladder infection and pissed all over our bed. Yes, our bed. I had to wash all the blankets and the sheets and, even though everything was in the washer or dryer, my husband managed to somehow pass out on the bed anyway. I then had to make the bed with him in it. Thanks for all the help, hubs. Your pregnant wife doesn't mind running up and down the basement steps 30 times to make sure you have blankets to sleep and clean work socks for the morning at all. Sleep well.

P.S... I think that they need to make a sarcasm font. It would make it so much easier for others to decipher what I really mean in print without actually having to say "Fuck off."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

snow school

Snow school= no school. Why can't they outfit the buses with plows and salt. I miss peace and quiet!!!


chocolate chip stealer

I buy chocolate chips to make CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. Not for you to snack on. If you need chocolate, I can buy chocolate. But I can't make chocolate chip cookies when you eat the whole bag. And remain in denial by not telling me.