Friday, February 12, 2010

dog eat dog world

Dear Pet Owners,
Look, I don't care about your pets. I lie about the severity of my allergies just to keep me from having to go to your stinking, nasty house where animals live indoors. Don't kid yourself--it's not healthy for them or you. You may think you keep your house clean--you don't. You may not think it smells like cat litter or wet fur--it does. You just don't notice it anymore because you live in it. Also, your pets are not some magically altruistic friends and companions, who only think happy thoughts. They don't think much at all. They react. They are a-n-i-m-a-l-s. In the wild, they would eat you. If left without food long enough--they still would. They don't "care"; they don't "love" you. You are totally delusional. Even if I liked your pets, I still wouldn't need to hear stories about them. For godssake, unless it's The Secret of NIHM, keep your animal stories to yourself. And finally, if you treated people half as decently as you treat your pets, or spent half as much money to feed and house people, the world would be a better place for all of us.

Signed,
Snakes and scales and puppy dog tails.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. That's all I can say.

No wait, there's more. Bitter, much?

K. said...

I love you!! And your whine!!

I actually can't believe you haven't gotten sniped at by crazy animal lovers. PETA is gonna be on your doorstep soon.

Marinka said...

OMG, now that you mentioned it, Nicki totally looks like she could have me for breakfast. Fortunately, I come in a big portion, so there would be plenty leftover for lunch and dinner!

Merrie. said...

You must have had a difficult life. I truly much prefer the companionship of my dogs to that of human beings like yourself. If you don't like animals, then good for you. Keep your ass at home in your perfect world where your house stinks because of you alone. And we will stay in ours where yes, the dogs love us. I feel very sorry for you. Oh you are definitely spineless, yes. I see you don't follow your own rules; put your name to it if you are going to be a bitch", own it: as you say.

Karen W said...

What you may not understand is how much joy and love we "animal people" get from our pets. My dogs are my "children" now that my human child is grown and I love them beyond words. They return that love. They are happy and healthy and yes, pampered. But my life is richer because of them.

I am sorry you prefer a sterile house devoid of pets and while I feel sorry for you, I wouldn't want a friend like you.

Anonymous said...

Amen. I've been to people's houses who serve food with dog hair in them. Or, laugh when their dog tries to eat food off of my plate. Gross.

I don't think dogs are the same as kids. Let me know when you must raise them to be responsible, capable, educated, mature members of society. I don't equate petting them, feeding them, and loving them as the same thing.

We have a dog and I do enjoy his company and he adds alot to our family. But, he is a dog. Not a child.

Finally when your dog runs across the street and barks so violently at me that I can't pass, it just doesn't seem like he is as sweet as you say. I love the statement "he doesn't bite". Well, I guess, nobody's dog bites. And, how am I supposed to know that when he is barking so violently?

Did I mention that I was bitten by a dog when I was a year old? Not a fan.

Anonymous said...

I was bitten by a fat kid when I was 5. Does that count?

It's amazing to me the writer would deign to be friends with people who have pets if the concept upsets her so.

I don't make friends with people who own snakes. They're dead to me.

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha! I LOVE IT!! :) :)

Anonymous said...

Wow, I don't think I've ever seen a whine get such a hostile reaction...

MissyM said...

I couldn't have said it better . . .

Dear Parents,
Look, I don't care about your kids. I lie about having conflicts just to keep me from having to go to your stinking, nasty house where children live indoors. Don't kid yourself--all that clutter, and toys everywhere, it's not healthy for them or you. You may think you're raising them properly--you aren't. You may not think it smells like children--it does. You just don't notice it anymore because you live in it. Also, your children are not some magically altruistic friends and companions, who only think happy thoughts. They don't think much at all. They react. They are a-n-i-m-a-l-s. In the wild, they would eat you. If left without food long enough--they still would. They don't "care"; they don't "love" you. You are totally delusional. Even if I liked your children, I still wouldn't need to hear stories about them. For godssake, unless it's The Secret of NIHM, keep your kids' stories to yourself. And finally, if you treated people half as decently as you treat your children, or spent half as much money to feed and house people, the world would be a better place for all of us.

Signed,
Boogers and rice cereal and everything thrice repeated

Phoenix Rising said...

Wet fur does stink.

Anonymous said...

Yes, yes, I know the house (or at least the couch where Her Royal Highness, the dog, sleeps) smells. But she entertains us with her canine antics, and brings some extra warmth and laughter into lives that are often stressful otherwise. The money we spend on food and vet bills bears no relationship to our philanthropic efforts elsewhere. It's actually possible to be kind to one's dog, and one's fellow-humans, at the same time.