Sunday, January 31, 2010

It's Sunday, there are 7 inches of snow on the ground, and it's 16 degrees. Why can't my kids just veg out in front of the Disney Channel all day like every other kid in America while I surf the web from my bed? Instead it's "Can you help me with my multiplication?" "Can we play the sight word bingo game?" "Can we bake a healthy snack together?"

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Dear Husband,
It would have been nice if you would have mentioned the fact that you need new tires on your car a bit sooner than three days before we are leaving for Disneyland for our son's birthday. You have made me sole financial manager in our house by not showing any interest in what is going on (in more ways than one)...but that doesn't mean I'm a miracle worker....nor does it mean I've found a way to grow money in our back yard. I think what pisses me off even more is that I realize now that this is you...never planning ahead....never paying attention to things that need to be taken care of. And now you will just go about your day and won't think twice about how this will all work out. I on the other hand will stress about how tight our budget will be from now through the next several weeks because of this unexpected expense.
It must be nice to be you.
Love, Your Wife
PS: You didn't endear me to you any more by telling me you forgot to give our other son his cold medicine this morning. A mere 15 minutes after we discussed staying on top of his medicine so he'll be good to go to Disneyland.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I can't get MTV.com to show me full episodes of 16 and Pregnant on my laptop. Now I won't be able to follow the plot of Teen Mom properly.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Dear Conan, Jay and NBC

Thank goodness you solved your idiotic dispute. In this time of national crisis and international tragedy, it's really good to know that you drained us emotionally with your whining, petulance and self-importance.

Good luck to all of you. Clearly, you deserve it.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My best friend SUCKS

Listen, I bend over backwards to encourage you and the one freaking time that I email you and say "OMG! I got into this production(that I've been working on for MONTHS)...I can't believe it....yadayadayada..." All you can say is "That's cool." WTF, man? Then I say "You need to come see in before mentioned production! It will be fun!" and I get "I'll see what I can do." Well, fuck you AND the horse you rode in on. You have given me about as much support and enthusiasm as last years sports bra.
I'm not sure if you noticed when you dropped your kids off at my house this morning, but I'm moving. Those things piled high are boxes, filled with all the items in my house. Those sneezes and coughs ARE coming from my kids from all the dust and allergens being stirred up. Those tears are from me and my kids, we are emotional and stressed out. So bringing your kids to be watched at my house two days before we move wasn't a great idea to begin with. Telling me you are going to work from home today was REALLY not a good idea!!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

marathons and meatloaf

If you have ever run a marathon and your mother-in-law provides you with unsolicited feedback that it's not such a big deal, then when you finish another one and barely make it home, running to catch the plane on your bloody stubbs then it's not such a great idea for your husband to welcome you home with his mother's meatloaf.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I have this foster baby. And everyone who sees her says "I don't know how you do it, I could never give them up." So I say "Well clearly then, you're the better person here." And suddenly *I'm* the bitch?

Saturday, January 9, 2010

kid birthday party humbug

I will pull my hair out if I have to ruin yet another Saturday transporting my kids to buy yet another birthday gift for yet another child they barely know and won't ever want to see again. And since when do kids need to have a party each and every year? Who started that over-indulgent tradition, anyway?

Friday, January 8, 2010

Dog and Husband Whine

My dog has a bladder infection and pissed all over our bed. Yes, our bed. I had to wash all the blankets and the sheets and, even though everything was in the washer or dryer, my husband managed to somehow pass out on the bed anyway. I then had to make the bed with him in it. Thanks for all the help, hubs. Your pregnant wife doesn't mind running up and down the basement steps 30 times to make sure you have blankets to sleep and clean work socks for the morning at all. Sleep well.

P.S... I think that they need to make a sarcasm font. It would make it so much easier for others to decipher what I really mean in print without actually having to say "Fuck off."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

snow school

Snow school= no school. Why can't they outfit the buses with plows and salt. I miss peace and quiet!!!


chocolate chip stealer

I buy chocolate chips to make CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. Not for you to snack on. If you need chocolate, I can buy chocolate. But I can't make chocolate chip cookies when you eat the whole bag. And remain in denial by not telling me.