Thursday, February 25, 2010

I sat down to do my taxes

But instead ended up watching reruns of Sixteen and Pregnant.

I think the IRS will understand.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I used to look forward to lunch time...

The only person in my office even remotely close to my age used to be really nice to me. We had lunch together nearly every day from June to December. For the last 2 months she's been cold and practically unresponsive. I don't even know what the hell I did (if anything!) to make her start treating me like some useless summer temp. I'm sick of eating lunch everyday with my iPhone as my only company!

Monday, February 22, 2010

A rant on a whiny husband

My husband whines nonstop. He complains about everything. Sometimes
I hate his crybaby guts. He acts like he's got the weight of the world
on his shoulders and is too busy to be bothered by his wife or
children. Asking him to spend time with us or help out around the
house has become a tedious chore in and of itself. He has an excuse
for everything. He never acts like a man and takes responsibilty for
his actions. He sticks his tongue out at our small daughter when she
won't give him kisses whenever he asks. And then he whines at her. I
find that manipulative behavior toward a toddler disgusting. When I
say so to him he retreats physically and emotionally to punish me for
not finding his behavior perfect and charming. I'm very close to done
with him.
My dad treated my mom like a queen, and all of their kids were
treated respectfully and lovingly. How was I duped into thinking my
husband was like my dad, when really he's an ass?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Look what brown can't do

Deliver a damn package, that's what.
Hey UPS! It stopped snowing a week ago; just admit you lost my package
so we can all get on with our life.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Gotta get this off my chest... sorry...

My husband and I will have been married 18yrs this August. (If we make it that long)
We have 2 sons, the oldest of which has autism.
My husband hadn't had a job from before that son was born (1993), right through until April 2009 when I threw him out and told him he could come back when he got a job.
He got a job by the end of the month, working as a gardener. (Even though my garden's like an overgrown jungle)
Then, in October '09 he switched to a job in Engineering, his profession.
He volunteered to work away for 2 weeks in December, meaning that I was left working all day, dealing with the kids, running the house, attending University 2 nights a week (working for my degree) and organising Christmas for us all. (I refused to buy anything for his family this year, as they don't do or get anything for me, so they got nothing)
By the end of December he'd volunteered to work in the US for 3 months (from Jan 6th to Easter Sunday) - we live in the UK.
Divorcing him would have been easier, at least I would have had alternate weekends and some evenings each week when he'd have the boys so I could take a break.
I told him that in future, if he goes away for longer than a month, he needn't bother coming back because he won't be welcome.
I've had to repeatedly explain to my sons "Tell me again why daddy had to go away for 3 months?"
I've head to make the decision to have one of our 4 cats put to sleep due to progressive, painful incurable illness that was discovered during surgery that should have been a routine draining of a cyst.
I had to tell our sons where the cat had gone.
I had to collect his body from the vet.
I had to cut his collar off the cold, stiff, leaking body. (The boys wanted the tags as a keepsake)
I had to organise and lead a funeral service for the boys and bury the cat in our garden.
I had to hold back my own tears to help my sons come to terms with the loss of a cat that we'd had for 13yrs.
I have another cat in for surgery tomorrow with a suspected broken leg.
I've had to learn how to reset circuit breakers because his electrical handiwork means that when it rains too much I lose power to half of my house.
I've learned how to fit magnetic door catches to stop cats going in the airing cupboard and down through the floorboards and under the house.
I dug my car out of 7" of snow.
I've fitted brass cabin hooks to the bedroom doors because I needed them to be open for ventilation, but closed so the cats can't go in.
I worked out why my DVD player was showing only a blue-screen but had correct audio.
I organised my mum to have the boys the 2 evenings a week so that I could carry on with my studies.
I now have door chains on front and back doors because his parents don't appear to know how to use a doorbell properly.
I've had the air conditioning on my car fixed.
I've endured a pregnancy scare because he never went back for the all-clear from his vasectomy 6 years ago.
I've applied for passports for me and the kids, and bought plane tickets to travel half way round the world to go see him, and he hasn't even arranged which days he's taking off work to spend with us.
I've had birthday gifts shipped to him, in time for his birthday.
I had valentines gifts and cards shipped in time for valentine's day.
I had cold & flu meds shipped to him from a local store because he was too sick to go out and buy some.
I've rearranged the boys and my lives so that we can chat with him on Skype for several hours each evening that I'm not at college because he has nothing else to do.
I've installed WebCams around the house so that we can carry on with the Skype whilst I cook, do laundry, tidy up, eat dinner etc.
Now we're 6 weeks in to that 3 months, he's started telling us on Skype about these other projects the company has in Canada and another 2 in the US and I just know he's about to tell us that he'll be home for a couple of weeks at Easter and then he'll be going off on another project - and I'm readying my response, that "anything of yours that you don't take with you, I'll drop off at your mum & dad's, and could you ask them to let me have their door-keys whilst I'm there"
Or should I insist that its my turn to be a stay-at-home parent for 15-years and quit my job so that I have time to keep on top of all the house/kids/college/cats stuff properly, and still have some "me" time every now and then?

Monday, February 15, 2010

The laws regarding snow emergencies need clarification. Specifically: if there's a blizzard coming, old people (1) shouldn't be allowed into Costco. They block the aisles while debating the merits of prune vs raisin ruglach. And c'mon, it's not like they're going to eat all those pickles before they die anyway.

1: For the record, some of my best friends are old people.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Re: ³Ì·s³Ì¦nª±ªº¹C~À¸§Ú­Ì²Î²Î³£¦³

Wait. Are we now being spammed in Algebra?  

Friday, February 12, 2010

dog eat dog world

Dear Pet Owners,
Look, I don't care about your pets. I lie about the severity of my allergies just to keep me from having to go to your stinking, nasty house where animals live indoors. Don't kid yourself--it's not healthy for them or you. You may think you keep your house clean--you don't. You may not think it smells like cat litter or wet fur--it does. You just don't notice it anymore because you live in it. Also, your pets are not some magically altruistic friends and companions, who only think happy thoughts. They don't think much at all. They react. They are a-n-i-m-a-l-s. In the wild, they would eat you. If left without food long enough--they still would. They don't "care"; they don't "love" you. You are totally delusional. Even if I liked your pets, I still wouldn't need to hear stories about them. For godssake, unless it's The Secret of NIHM, keep your animal stories to yourself. And finally, if you treated people half as decently as you treat your pets, or spent half as much money to feed and house people, the world would be a better place for all of us.

Signed,
Snakes and scales and puppy dog tails.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sweethearts

Has anyone else noticed that Necco has changed the flavors of their Conversation Hearts? After working in a flower shop all through college I developed a DEEP dislike for Valentine's day. The white conversation hearts were the only thing that could redeem that day for me. And now? They taste like wacked out Pez. And not even the good Pez I remember from my childhood but the 'improved' version they have out now that taste like chemicals with flavoring added.
GIVE ME BACK MY WHITE CONVERSATION HEARTS!!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Am I the only one like me???

I just started this blog business, so of course, I am checking out a bunch of other blogs. I am sooooo sick of only finding blogs by either stay-at-home, home-schooling, organic-cookie baking moms that blog mostly about how perfectly wonderful their little family is OR…..weird artsy-fartsy 20 somethings that ramble on about crap that does not make sense. Where are the blogs from divorced, single moms that work constantly (at office and home), are totally annoyed with their smart-ass teenagers and WISH they had time to scrap-book, bake cookies or do something other than watch movies from Blockbuster?????????????? FML!

but it's MY day!

My birthday is on Valentines day. Obviously, this means my boyfriend (and every boyfriend I've ever had) DREADS February. But this year, my birthday lands smack dab in the middle of Mardi Gras, too (I live in New Orleans). In college this was fun and party-time-to-the-max. This year it means that I don't even get my own "here's a card and cake that costs less than $10 total per-office-rules" party. I have to share the Mardi Gras potluck (ew) with the whole office. And they think I should be excited, like they're throwing a Mardi Gras party just for me! Suck.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Please Define 'Office Hours'

Dear Anatomy Lab Instructor,

You very kindly listed your office hours in our syllabus. You also posted them on your door... which was closed and locked when I arrived during what I thought was your appointed office time. Interestingly, both postings indicated that you would be in your office from 11 am to 1 pm today. Apparently 1:00 is the same as 12:00 on the planet you are from because I was informed that you had left the building already. A full hour before your office hours should have ended. Most excellent for you. Unfortunately, the rest of us run on real world time and live on the planet EARTH. FML!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Palin’s radical speech

The National Tea Party Convention ended with a Palin for President rally.

This was always slated to be the weekend's main event, with a $100,000 prize purse. But the organizers still hadn't seen a copy of the speech as the crowd streamed into the banquet ballroom. What they got was less a Tea Party manifesto than Sarah Palin's State of the Union speech—an address to a domestic spending

Saturday, February 6, 2010

My kid's not a turtle

I know we were friends before I popped out a kid, and I'm sure you
miss spending time with just me. But seriously, your email inviting me
to see your new apartment? The one where you wrote "The kid can stay
at home?" Bite me. I'd rather see my kid than spend a weekend at your
apartment hearing about how you still wax your ex's balls. I'd rather
read my kid bed time stories than picture some dude's hairless nuts. I
love you. I really do. But enough with the testicles—and lack of tact.

Friday, February 5, 2010

You look like. . .

When you decide to tell a customer that she looks like a famous actress? Don't conclude the thought with, "You know the one from Misery who kidnapped that author and broke his legs." And then keep elaborating on it.
Very bad move.
Working on having your job. Because, that's what Kathy Bates' character would do, obviously.

Monday, February 1, 2010

For the love of all things holy


If that groundhog sees his shadow tomorrow morning, I'm making stew.
Groundhog stew.

Fuck "The Man!"

Maybe it is too much to ask for a bank in the heart of downtown to stay open longer than 3:00 PM. I understand that all those busy bank workers that get off more "holidays" a year than any other normal human in the workforce need to get home so they can be ready for another 8 to... 3 day. But nearly everyone else is without that luxury. So, while my husband works long hours at work and longer hours on our house and is sending me to make sure that there is enough money in our account to pay our mortgage, would it KILL you to put some fucking deposit envelopes in the ATM? Honestly.
I am really glad you proposed and want to spend the rest of our lives together. It would be a little more convincing if you didn't freak out any time we have to talk about planning the actual wedding.