Thursday, May 27, 2010

Is it hot in here?

I've recently started having hot flashes and night sweats. YOU my loving husband are not. So when I start fanning myself and complaining about how hot I am...just shut.the.hell.up. Your smartass comments about putting on shorts or how You're not ready for this just prove what a dick you are.
Signed,
Shut up and bring me a glass of ice water

Monday, May 24, 2010

Weighing It All

Everyone around me is losing weight...pills, shots, lapband, gastric bypass....and they are all losing it FAST!
 
I want to lose weight too, but I want to do it the healthiest way possible...and I want to change my eating habits along the way so I'm better equiped to keep the weight off. But it's hard when your results are not as fast as those who have taken more 'drastic' steps. And it's discouraging when there are people dropping the weight so quickly and are not 'humble' about it. Throwing it in your face. Criticizing what you're doing. Offering you the clothes that don't fit them anymore (and not in a nice 'I'm being so generous' way). And the bragging bragging bragging.
 
It's so tempting....the 'drastic' measure.
 
 

A Whine

I sent my immediate family an email this weekend. It read "finally after ten years of marriage and three children, we have a booked a trip away together." It included the dates that our children will be staying with my family. My father responded that maybe my sister (middle child that we tip toe around) and her soon-to-be-husband should come along. My mother seconded that idea and said my sister should plan a week away because she's probably exhausted after planning a wedding*. No one mentioned us, the couple that has spent the last seven years wiping asses times three.

I wanted to respond, that if she makes it to ten years and has three children she will realize that planning her wedding for a year WAS a fucking honeymoon.

*Wedding next month. Insert jazz hands here.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Do You Enjoy a Freshly Folded Sunday Newspaper?

Then you should probably not come over to our house. Because my 8 year old was trying to find the Mets' score from last night and The New York Times was stupid enough not to put it on the front page.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

A ballet mom whine

This is the 4th show all of us moms have received an e-mail asking us to 'Please look in your child's ballet bag and with their costumes. We're missing Spoiled-Brat-Daughter's (fill in the blank here). Please make sure you didn't put in with your child's stuff." Only to receive an e-mail 24 hours later with, "Oops. We found it."
This is how it works:
1. Label each piece of your child's costume (including shoes and tights) as well as the clothing they wear to and from the theater. And, for that matter, their DS, DS games, and toys.
2. Double check BEFORE you leave the theater that you have all parts of your child's costume. (and other crap)
3. If you arrive home and are missing a costume piece, assume it's there somewhere and LOOK AGAIN.
4. If you STILL don't find it, go back to the theater and hunt there. No, you may not shortcut this step by calling the dance teacher(s) or theater staff to perform the search for you.
5. If steps 2-4 are still unsuccessful, lecture your daughter -- and yourself -- about the proper care of their dance costume(s) and write off the missing piece as a learning experience.
6. Do not stand around and talk about how you're tired of things going missing at the theater if you haven't taken the proper steps to care for, be responsible for, and teach responsibility for belongings to Spoiled-Brat-Daughter. Especially if you haven't completed steps 2-4 which have yielded the missing costume piece every single time.
7. Assume that all the other parents have something better to do than
a.) look for your daughter's costume -- which they certainly don't have
b.) listen to you bitch about things being missing -- when they really aren't
c.) worry that there might actually be someone stealing items during ballets and recitals -- when there's not
d.) run around with a stray costume piece after a performance trying to locate its owner -- especially if it's not labeled!!
Upon completing step 7 please move on to the next section, which will be titled: How To Pull Your Head Out Of Your Ass And Teach Your Child To Be Kind, Patient, and Respectful Even If You're Not

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'll be honest. When my kid's school calls and says your grandson is sick, but there's a terrible accident and the road is closed in my direction, and I call you and ask you to pick him up and you say you can't because you haven't had breakfast yet, and it's after 10 am, well, I become a little less concerned with the amount of jello on the floor of your soon-to-be nursing home.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I don't mind doing my family's laundry

and I don't mind folding the clothes.

What I do mind is when my kids are too lazy to put their clothes away and rather than deal with the folded piles on top of their dressers, they put the clothes, FOLDED back into the dirty clothes hamper.

I mind that very, very much.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Screwed again...

By the “Families with Children” parking space. What’s with this?

How about the “Lazy shopper with only 5 minutes” space? Ah, yes, that’s right next to the “Women too selfish to have children” bus stop.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Come on, Old Navy.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

mother's day plans

Dear blessed husband,
When I tell you that a dear friend has invited a whole bunch of families (including ours) for Mother's Day dinner, you would do well NOT to say "That's okay because the time for the dinner reservations wasn't very good anyway."
This only serves to confirm that for ANOTHER year you didn't bother to do anything about Mother's Day until a day or two before the event, when all the normal dinnertime reservations have been taken and all that is left is 4:30 or 7:30. If you had kept your mouth shut or only said that you would cancel the reservations that you made, I would only have my suspicion that you delayed too long, not absolute proof.
Mother's Day is clearly marked on the vast majority of calendars in America. This means the date is available to you in January, if not earlier. Restaurants book reservations well in advance. There is no excuse. Get your head out of your butt and act on things in a timely manner.
Ditto Christmas and my birthday.
Your blessed wife

Friday, May 7, 2010

Work Whine

Dear rest of the office;
If you are all going to leave me alone here, literally, the only one in the office,on Friday afternoons AT LEAST give me the authority to deal with problems b/c the s**t always seems to hit the fan right about 4:00 and all I can say is "Uhhh you need to talk to so and so, He's not here can I let you leave a message?" And then I get yelled at b/c people want to know why no one is in an office at 3:30 on a weekday. I know you all want to go home at 3:00 and go fishing or whatever but I'm just the part-time secretary. Since I am at the absolute bottom of the food chain around here any mistake I make is landing firmly on your shoulders not mine. Just something to think about.
P.S. Mr. Boss, Three phone lines cannot sanctimoniously be answered by one person. When you call three times and don't get an answer b/c I am too busy getting screamed at by and angry parent, and then yell at me b/c I'm the only one here...not cool! Have to go now, phone is exploding. Ugh.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Breathe. Or Take a Breath

When you take a breath, you breathe. Please don't write that you can't "breath".

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Men are confused creatures.

Just because my husband is the one who is doing the work of painting the back porch, what makes him believe he has a say on the color choice?
Men.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Dear quad mate,

Dear quad mate, we've been working together for three years now. I know you love the team atmosphere because you get to share every single solitary thought that flies through your head. But seriously, if I am not in the quad when you are sharing, I CANNOT answer any questions about the topic the second I walk back into the quad. Really.

Arm Whine

Just joined a gym. Where they walk you through an abs, upper body, and lower body workout your first few visits. Did the upper body on Saturday. Now? The muscles in my arms have been so knotted up the last two days that I can't completely straighten them. Do you know how difficult it is to take care of personal business with this problem?