Monday, August 30, 2010

Open Toe Boots! A Must Have for ...er...




What moron thought that this would be a great idea?

Is it for people who love both boots and sandals, and yet can only afford one or the other? Well, at just over $500 a pair, these women now don't-have-to-choose! Oh, if only Sophie had it this easy!

Special thanks to @Taradublinrocks for tweeting this abomination!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I'm Single and My Life is Boring

It's times like this where it just suddenly hits me: I'm single and my life is boring.
It's a holiday night, it's right after exam results, and I'm not out partying with my friends and celebrating. Dear god, my nearest friend is fifty miles away anyway. No: instead, I'm sat inside with my laptop on my knees, reading badly-written racy amateur fiction on FictionPress.com. I put on makeup and got dressed up to go and do my grocery shopping at ASDA today because I go out so little that ASDA seems like the place to wear four-inch heels. I've never gone out clubbing in my life, because I prefer to spend my money on silly clothes with sillier names from designer labels nobody's heard of and so I'm flat broke most of the time. I don't even drink or smoke, but I do dress like a crazy little Victorian girl with a floral pattern obsession, and the most human contact I get in a day is the stares when I walk down the street to get another bottle of flavoured water.

And, you know, I'm not quite sure how this happened. Because most of the time I feel all WHOO YEH! I'M SINGLE! NO RISK OF ARBITRARY HEARTBREAK! and then things go wrong a bit, I lose my job in a budget cut, I struggle with the rent and my landlady shouts at me, my growing student debt waves a cheerful hand with the latest letter, and it hits me like OH FUCK, I'M SINGLE. My last courtship was several years ago, and it lasted two months; a neurotic, clingy dork with no respect for personal boundaries. No, make that my only courtship. Ever.
Maybe it's something to do with the fact that I use words like 'courtship', but it strikes me that not being disablingly ugly, thick or having disgusting habits, I really should be able to find someone. Nay, by all accounts I'm a pretty and intelligent young woman, and I still can't find a date. If the fifty-ton man could get a girlfriend, what the hell's stopping me?

...Or maybe I should just get out more.

Yours,
A Grateful, yet Anonymously Sad Singleton

Sunday, August 22, 2010

deja vu all over again

Lets see the last time i was pregnant you went on a big ol' party
binge, stayed out all night and most of the next day after springing
your plans on me with little notice. Are we really going to do this
all over again? Sure you actually came home this time but we have
plans in the morning and I' the one who has to get up with our child
and make sure Daddy isn't woken up because he had a late night...ummm
yeah I don't think that's gonna happen. Get ready for an early wake up
call

Thursday, August 19, 2010

my secret spineless whine

Dear Husband,
 
Thank you for waking me at 3:00 am to look at the pile of dog diarrhea on the floor. You were already cleaning it up, did you need to be comforted while doing so, because really, was it necessary for me to be woken out of a sound sleep and trudge out to the living room to view the liquidy ooze? Did you need confirmation that it was indeed a pile of runny dog shit and not some alien life form that had slunk into our house to eat your brains? At that moment I was questioning whether your brains had been sucked out of your head because THREE FUCKING AM.
 
That damn dog eats her own shit and the occassional gopher, so periodic bouts of dog diarrhea are not uncommon, remember? She'd eat your shit right out of the toilet as if it were a gourmet meal if she had the chance. This is why she is not allowed to put her tongue anywhere near my face.
 
The next time you wake me up at that hour to verify the existence of dog shit on the floor, I might just have to rub your nose in it.
 
Your loving irritated wife.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Mean Girls

Karma will get you one day for bashing that softball size rock on my daughter’s car and causing that big dent that will take a new hood to fix. A car that she worked all summer to earn money to buy and is paying me back on the couple hundred she had to borrow so she had it in time for school, so I did not have to change my schedule to take her. She is a much better person than I because I would like to take that rock and put it through the windshield of that new Explorer that your mommy bought you.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Sleepover Invite

No, it is NOT okay for you to invite your son to a sleepover at MY house. The last (any only) time he came over he made a huge pee mess on the toilet seat in the bathroom and wouldn't stop insisting that he watch movies that I don't feel are appropriate for my 10 year old. All this, and you've never once offered to have either of my kids over to YOUR house for a sleepover. Seriously? We are not good enough friends for that. Plus, my hubby doesn't even like your family, so that makes it even harder to get together. Stop inviting yourself to things at MY house!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Hi Godmom!!!

Hey! I am following you on Twitter. I doubt you will follow me back though since you are all "famous" and shit. You haven't seen me since I was 12. I think that the only reason my mother, your 2nd cousin, made you my godmother is so she could say my Godmother is a C-list actress. But your husband is B-list. Sometimes I wonder if she even told you that your were my Godmother???? Since my aunt stood in for you at my baptism. Well, if you follow me back I will try again to watch your show....it did not hold me the first time.  My blog is really funny though, and I could uh, really help you with your website some. Well, see you around. P.S. I am really glad you haven't fallen for any of those Real Housewives - in California. Smart Move!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Yes, I'm Jealous of YOU

Yes, I'm jealous of YOU, mom of just one baby. You are getting the mom
experience I had fantasized about when I was pregnant. Well, for about
5 days of my pregnancy before I was told that I was having twins. You,
mom of just one baby, can go wherever you want. Sit with said baby at
Starbucks. Take said baby to the pool with you. Drop said baby off
with the grandparents so you can go get a pedicure (did I also mention
I am jealous of you because your parents live nearby?). Pass said baby
off to husband so you can eat your meal in peace instead of both of
you having to struggle to eat while monitoring/holding/wrangling two
mobile crazies in a house where people think it's ok to have glass end
tables and sharp edged doo hickeys laying around. You can also more
than likely afford to put said baby in mother's day out when she's
ready. Heck, even if you just stay home, you can hold your baby when
she cries instead of having to choose which one gets held and which
one has to cry in the swing. Yes, you may think having a baby is hard
work, but you have no idea what hard work is until you try to
breastfeed preemie twins on a never ending 3 hour schedule, in which
you're lucky if you get 90 minutes of sleep before you have to start
again. No idea.

And now that I have an infant #3, I am also jealous of YOU, mom of
just twins. How crazy is that?

Ugh!

So I can't believe that these stupid diet pills are making me cranky.....I'm trying to lose weight but I hav to always be ina bad flippin mood and piss off everyone around me.....and if I don't do it then I hav to live with fat self. I'm already starving myself and I can't lose nothing...ugh...FML
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