Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Whinemellon

Seedless watermelon should be seedless dammit!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

healthcare whine

After a decent bloodtest that revealed deficiencies in just about
everything, I finally have Rx and vitamins to address them and I feel
better than I have in YEARS. Screw you all who told me that I was just
depressed when I complained how tired and exhausted I have been.

--

Thursday, June 9, 2011

at the movies

Dear Self Centered Movie Watcher,

Please be aware that the seat back in front of you at the stadium-seating-movie-theater is not for your feet. It doesn't matter if there is no one seated there now. It doesn't matter if your tired. It doesn't matter if your tall. Someone's head will eventually have to sit where your dirty feet are now.

Also, note that though my nose was at least a yard away, I could detect a foul odor reeking from your feet. How it's possible that feet that are completely covered can stink that bad is beyond me. Have you been wearing the same socks all year? That is indeed why I changed seats.

I feel sorry for that blond that went with you. Oh yeah, when you put your stinky feet down, can you also let her know that it is not OK to talk in her living-room voice while the movie is running? On second thought, you two are made for each other.

Next time, will you do us all a favor and wait until the DVD comes out, or learn the difference between the local cineplex and your living room, oh and wash your feet now and then. Remember, change your socks every day.

I can't believe I'm wishing for the days when all I had to complain about at the theater was texting.

Thanks, until never, I hope,
Disgruntled Movie Watcher.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Pretending you're something you're not...

When our sons were in Year Three, I happened to mention to you that if I wanted mine to attend the Church High School from Year Seven onwards, I needed to start attending church regularly now since the priest won't sign the paperwork unless you'd been a regular attender for a number of years. You didn't even appear to be listening. I continued to say that I wasn't going to do it since I thought it could be stealing a place from someone who genuinely went to church regularly because they wanted to and held strong beliefs. You agreed. I didn't go in to detail about any other reasons, just that I didn't think it was right.
 
Within a month your church attendance went from never to weekly. You joined the church's Mothers' Group. You began to take an active part in anything you possibly could. Then when it was paperwork time last October, the priest happily signed your son's application.
 
Come March this year, when the school allocations were made, you were full of praise for your son, about how well he'd done to get in to "the good school" when in reality none of the schools' admissions were based on achievement, only parental church attendance for church schools, or home location for other schools!
I was ecstatic that my son had got in to our first choice of school.
We'd chose a smaller school with a much more caring attitude.
One that has a 30minute shorter journey each way.
We believe that our son will be truly happy there and encouraged to develop all his skills in a way that is appropriate for his disability.
 
And come April, your face hasn't been seen in church for several weeks.  
Well lets hope that God's Wrath is appropriate for you.
Let's hope your son doesn't have a thoroughly miserable time in that school - like I did when I went there.
And for goodness sake stop praising your son for doing nothing, he's big-headed and obnoxious enough already, and that's going to make him worse - how about the Christian value of humility, and remembering that vanity is a sin?
And just know that as soon as our kids begin High School in Autumn, you're off the FaceBook & Twitter friend lists because when I was pleased about where my son was going to High School you looked down your nose at the thought of him attending the local High School that you went to - yes, that caring, happy school is the one first I met you at 20+ years ago when I left "The Good School" because all they cared about was their own reputation and not the students welfare or happiness, they covered up abuse by teachers and ignored kids who were abused at home. Hope your son's gonna be really happy there!

Friday, May 20, 2011

no balls

So, I am up at 3am making cake balls to surprise the girls on their campout.
While melting the candy coating I decide to check my online insurance
EOB statements and find out $250 of standard labwork is not covered.
WTF????? Burned the damn coating // no balls // kitchen stinks. :(

--

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Best friend whine.

To my (incredibly stupid, immature, and ridiculous) best friend of several years,
 
I would like you to know it's getting increasingly more difficult for me to hold my tongue and not tell you (every time I see you) that you have completely lost your damn mind...again. I know you've been lonely since your divorce two years ago, the divorce you caused by cheating on your wife basically from the day you started dating. I know you had a bad year last year as you whored your way through a whopping total of 29 girls (that I know about), aged 18-43 respectively, including one pregnancy scare and one trip to the doctor to get a shitload of antibiotics.
 
When you met Her a few months ago, you were still just playing around. In fact, you couldn't even decide if you'd rather sleep with Her or her sister. You picked Her. The one with a child. And now, 5 months later, you're getting married.
 
You, who have never been able to be faithful to a single person, including Her so far (gasp!), have decided you want to get married again... at her persistent urging, of course. You, who cannot make a decision to save your life OR tell anyone NO to anything, have decided you've turned over a new leaf and will be the perfect model husband. You, who won't just have an impact on Her life when you cheat again but her child's as well, want a delusional happily ever after. You, HAVE LOST YOUR GOD DAMN MIND. And for that matter, so has She.
 
Good luck and best wishes to you both on your upcoming nuptials.
 
 
Love,
Your Best Friend

Workplace Whine

If no one in this office would talk to me for the rest of the day that would be freakin' sweet. I hate them all. None of the asinine conversations that have been thrust upon me this morning have been work related. I don't care about your dog, I don't think the world is going to end on Saturday, I don't care what you had for breakfast, I don't care what your kid got on his math test. Why won't they just shut up and leave me alone?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Do-Gooder Whine

I carry leashes in my car and dog treats. We've rescued several dogs in the past. They usually have collars and tags, so we get them home fast. What was I thinking Wed. night when we picked up the dog with no tags?! No microchip either! I swear she's a pure breed. What the heck am I gonna do?! This do-good thing is a real pain in my ass right now!

Friday, April 15, 2011

dingbat

I have complained here before about this but I must yet again.  What was she thinking?  Ok, let's face it.  The divorce rate is outrageous in this country..and yes, I am one of the statistics.  And so is my significant other.  My complaint lies with his ex.  SHE is the one that cheated, three times...until he finally realized it was over.  He gave her the benefit of the doubt many times..and yet, she is being such a pain in the ass about everything.  The kids, money..what she wants, and what she thinks she deserves.  What she deserves is a swift kick in the ass!  How is it that such an ungrateful woman, that CHEATED THREE TIMES seems to think he owes her?!  Can people really be that stupid?  Does she realize that all the bad things she says about the kids Dad will come back to haunt her later in life?  That one day, the kids will know that Dad did right by them and she was wrong?! 
 
Complaining doesn't seem like enough.  She should learn her lesson the hard way.  And I truly believe that what comes around, goes around.  I look forward to the day when she gets hers.  Sorry, but I do.  Maybe then she will realize what she did was wrong and feel a wee itsy bit of remorse.
 
Nah, probably not. 
 
Bitch. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

No Map - No Go....

Ya know, when I have to hand deliver the party invitations cuz I am a slacker mom, and your house is in such a brand spanking new subdivision? That Google Maps directs me to a run-over mailbox in a horse pasture after driving 10 minutes down a dirt road 25 minutes from my house? We will put you first on the waiting list for next year. Sorry :( 

Monday, April 11, 2011

I will end you

I am pregnant, hungry, nauseous, and pissed off. First off you f'ing stink and secondly if you don't stop making that disgusting hawking noise in the back of your throat every 20 seconds I will crush you with my fat thighs. I. WILL. END. YOU.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

quickies

So the weekend was a rough one between me and the huzz. For the first time in a long time (ever?) we had a kid free night - all were spending night with friends. So what did we do instead of have a wild night of sex and orgies? We argued about it. Sex, that is. Specifically, his lack of being affectionate and communicative outside the bedroom and how it's killing my libido. So toward the end, after many tears and talks, we found ourselves having a conversation about the fact that in our many years of marriage we never have quickies. He won't have them. He thinks they're unfair to me. I'm a slow-to-O type woman, despite his heroic efforts, and he (as well as I) think it's priority for both of us to get to the promised land. But I was arguing with him that we seldom have time for mine, and that quickies, every now and again, while not giving me the big O, can be an exciting alternative as well as make me more anxious for when we do have time for mine. Oh no, he said. This is a recipe for disaster. It will come back and bite me on the ass. I finally saw how ridiculous this conversation would have sounded to others. I told him to imagine me posting on facebook how I have to beg my husband for quickies. I wonder how many marriage proposals I'd get.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

My worst fear has now been realized

One of my children has nits. I spent $79 at Walgreens in a panic. That did not include wine...

Friday, March 25, 2011

whine for the day

Would all of you Americans who feel the need to do the double cheek air kiss greeting please tell me why you do???!  And then, would you please get over yourself?!!  You are not European. You are an American, living in America with American friends.  It comes off as a blatant and pathetic attempt to convince yourself that you are living some sort of sophisticated, cultured European life, yet, you are sadly and clearly not living in your reality.  You look ridiculous and as insincere as your fake hair color.

OK, OK, I admit it.  I've been watching waaaaayyyyy too much The Housewives of Beverly Hills and New York City.  Yes, that's just as sad and pathetic, if not, more so. 


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

momma growls

My name would never cross anyone's mind when it comes time to hand out the Most Patient Mom award, granted.  But I have zero patience when it comes to three-minutes-before-bedtime foraging for school supplies.  Get your arse in bed, Momma growls.  

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Watch out for your nuts

My husband is a great man who would do anything for his real friends. Even his not so real friends. So when you bail on his poker night that he planned himself for his own birthday? You kind of look like an asshole. And when you don't even bother to respond at all? You look like an even bigger asshole. Since when do people think it's ok not to respond to invites from their best friends? You hurt his feelings, and that pisses me off.

When you mess with my man, you mess with me, and right now I want to punch you in the nuts. Or just ignore any invite you send our way. But we won't do that, because we're good friends. Which is more than I can say for you.

P.S. The same goes for 1 year old birthday parties. All I ask for is a simple email of "sorry, we can't make it." There, was that so hard? You don't even have to call me and tell me in person.

You really make me question our friendship.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It's a Bar Mitzvah, not a back-yard picnic

So, NO, it is NOT ok if you decide the day before if you want to bring your kids. You got the invitation a month ago and there's a respond by date on the little card thingee and on the day after that date I forward a head count to my caterer and she charges me for that number of people.

I assure you, when YOUR child gets Bar mitzvahed, this will irk you too, and you will have NO recollection that you were once this obtuse.

Friday, February 18, 2011

What up with all the splits?????

All of a sudden it seems, just about everyone I know is getting divorced! And this time I don't mean the Real Housewives. Only 1 of them I totally get; the rest are coworkers, casual friends and acquaintances, that just all of a sudden you just get this vibe because of something they say, or a ring is missing.....and dang, there it is online! Now, I know that we don't know what goes on beyond closed doors yada yada but I mean, my marriage is not perfect, but these are all people that were doing a better job of fakin it than me KWIM??? I am always the last to know and late to the party but is this the 7-10 year itch?? I want to be supportive but dang, like I said, I have been to hell and back with the help of Robert Mondavi and some Klonopin, so I kinda feel like a hypocrite. I am just sad for all involved :(

--

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

What a B****

I told my coworker that I had been out of the office yesterday because my cat is sick. She had not seemed like she was feeling well for a while. Turns out she has a growth in her mouth and had to have several teeth out. Not sure yet what the growth was, but when I told my co worker about this she proceeded to tell me a detailed story about the horrible death of her mother in laws cat from mouth cancer. Then she told me my cat was probably doomed. What a bitch.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Simple Rules of Telephone Etiquette:

1. If you spend more than 5% of the phone call talking/laughing/yelling at other people in the SAME ROOM as you, get off the phone and talk to THEM.
2. If you are doing household chores, don't call me to "keep you company".
3. If you are performing acts of personal hygiene, such as bathing/waxing your various parts etc. Fuck off. That shit is personal and NOBODY wants to listen to you do it.
4. If you have already called me at least once today, put the phone DOWN and wait until tomorrow or even next week.
5. If you don't have anything important to say, GOODBYE bitch.

One would *think* these would be common-sense for most people.



Sunday, February 13, 2011

I hate when people can't remember the difference between what they
dreamt and what actually happened. My mother fell asleep on the couch,
I woke her up to send her to bed and she then shouted at me for ten
minutes about not letting me cut fabric samples because I hadn't done
any work, when I laughed she gave me a further bollocking because I
was being rude to her?! WTF?! Go to bed woman!! Just for that I'll
leave you to sleep on the couch.
I can't wait to move out.

Anonymous

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Three triangles and string do not equal a swimsuit.

Dear (early) 20 year olds on Facebook,
 
I understand that when you're 20, skinny, but with gigantic natural boobs, and have a slightly smaller version of J-Lo's ass (but with no cellulite), that you want to show off your assets via the only way you kids know how... bikini pictures on Facebook. I get it. If I looked like that I may even be tempted to do the same. I, however, don't actually need to worry about that...nor will I ever.
 
When I was younger, my Mama told me not to reveal everything. Leave a little something to the imagination. Stay decent. Stay respectable. Wear a swimsuit that, if you were to jump or be pushed into the water, you'd exit the water with your suit still in place with little or no adjustment. One that wouldn't cause the whole family to blush.
 
Now don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm an old, haggard, jealous wife. I'm not. Promise. My Hubs can look at your pics all he wants. Really. My hang up is... would your Daddy be okay with your display? How about your Grandmother? How about your 9 year old brother? How about your future kids in x number of years? You really think they'd be proud of your boobs coming out of everywhere and your barely covered ass?
 
I think not. So Generation Whatever-The-Hell-Ya'll-Are-Called-Now, please cover your shit up or better yet, don't post it on your damn Facebook page. Let me tell you a little secret... Back in the olden days (like, you know, like, back in, like, 1996, gah?), you had two forms of photographic evidence to destroy should you need to hide something before your children got their grimy little paws on it years later...negatives and actual paper photos. Nowadays, if you post photographic evidence of your shenanigans (and ass) on Facebook, that shit isn't going anywhere. Ever.
 
Sincerely,
The (slightly jealous) Old Lady With Manners, Decency, and Common Sense

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Ew...

They guy at the desk next to me keeps farting. I may go vomit now.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

One more

If ONE more person tells me to just relax and it will happen I will rip ONE of my useless ovaries out and throw it at them. That's not how it works if you have a legitimate medical condition, sorry to burst your bubble.
If just ONE sperm would meet up with ONE egg (which is never there) I would be willing to throw a parade.
Until then it's just ONE more needle stick, ONE more round of medication, ONE more negative test.
ONE more day, ONE more month, ONE more year, ONE more lifetime of trying and failing, of being defective, of being broken.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

that crumb of a husband

This whine is pretty measly compared to the guy asking for a divorce on the anniversary but who knows, sometimes it's the small stuff that leads up to such a huge step..

Two things bug me (at the moment) about my husband and his kitchen duties.

1. He never, ever wipes up the crumbs. Not from the dining table. Not from the cutting board island. Not from the stove top. I don't care how grease spattered, he's given himself a free pass for life on the crumb wiping.

2. When he does the dishes, I often join him. I clear the table, put leftovers away, bring him the pots and pans off the stove. And yes, I wipe the stove. Not always but often. When I do the dishes? He's squarely parked in front of the television. Relaxed and not giving a thought in the world to me, apparently. I know, I know. I should follow his lead, right? Let him suffer alone, too. Give myself the relaxing break. But I want him to join me. It makes the time go by faster. I like to lead by example, only it doesn't seem to be working.

Most of the time I cope with this minor quibble by reminding myself that plenty of husbands don't help at all. I can't decide if I'm enabling or if it's healthy, i.e., don't sweat the small stuff. Choose my nag battles, etc.

In the meantime, I'll just wine about it.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Today is our fourteenth anniversary!  YAY!  I spent the day excited about where we might go for dinner to celebrate!  YAY!  When I got home, my husband told me he has been miserable for years, everything I say annoys him, and he's moving out!  yay.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

One less bell to answer

Now that you are finally moving out, putting an end to the slow death of our 20-year marriage, an old song by Dionne Warwick comes to mind...

Let me sing it for you:

One less bell to answer
One less egg to fry
One less man to pick up after
I should be happy
....

and I am!

That is all.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Dear Starbucks Cashier

When you say "can I help you?" and then immediately start chatting to your co-worker, do you think you're going to catch my order?

Neither do I!

So why do you do it, over and over again?

And when I get a grande coffee and you charge me for a grande latte and I point it out to you, is it medically necessary to roll your eyes before crediting your mistake to my card?

Because in our society, the correct response is "oh, I'm sorry."

Love,
Caffeinated Marinka