Friday, February 18, 2011

What up with all the splits?????

All of a sudden it seems, just about everyone I know is getting divorced! And this time I don't mean the Real Housewives. Only 1 of them I totally get; the rest are coworkers, casual friends and acquaintances, that just all of a sudden you just get this vibe because of something they say, or a ring is missing.....and dang, there it is online! Now, I know that we don't know what goes on beyond closed doors yada yada but I mean, my marriage is not perfect, but these are all people that were doing a better job of fakin it than me KWIM??? I am always the last to know and late to the party but is this the 7-10 year itch?? I want to be supportive but dang, like I said, I have been to hell and back with the help of Robert Mondavi and some Klonopin, so I kinda feel like a hypocrite. I am just sad for all involved :(

--

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

What a B****

I told my coworker that I had been out of the office yesterday because my cat is sick. She had not seemed like she was feeling well for a while. Turns out she has a growth in her mouth and had to have several teeth out. Not sure yet what the growth was, but when I told my co worker about this she proceeded to tell me a detailed story about the horrible death of her mother in laws cat from mouth cancer. Then she told me my cat was probably doomed. What a bitch.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Simple Rules of Telephone Etiquette:

1. If you spend more than 5% of the phone call talking/laughing/yelling at other people in the SAME ROOM as you, get off the phone and talk to THEM.
2. If you are doing household chores, don't call me to "keep you company".
3. If you are performing acts of personal hygiene, such as bathing/waxing your various parts etc. Fuck off. That shit is personal and NOBODY wants to listen to you do it.
4. If you have already called me at least once today, put the phone DOWN and wait until tomorrow or even next week.
5. If you don't have anything important to say, GOODBYE bitch.

One would *think* these would be common-sense for most people.



Sunday, February 13, 2011

I hate when people can't remember the difference between what they
dreamt and what actually happened. My mother fell asleep on the couch,
I woke her up to send her to bed and she then shouted at me for ten
minutes about not letting me cut fabric samples because I hadn't done
any work, when I laughed she gave me a further bollocking because I
was being rude to her?! WTF?! Go to bed woman!! Just for that I'll
leave you to sleep on the couch.
I can't wait to move out.

Anonymous

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Three triangles and string do not equal a swimsuit.

Dear (early) 20 year olds on Facebook,
 
I understand that when you're 20, skinny, but with gigantic natural boobs, and have a slightly smaller version of J-Lo's ass (but with no cellulite), that you want to show off your assets via the only way you kids know how... bikini pictures on Facebook. I get it. If I looked like that I may even be tempted to do the same. I, however, don't actually need to worry about that...nor will I ever.
 
When I was younger, my Mama told me not to reveal everything. Leave a little something to the imagination. Stay decent. Stay respectable. Wear a swimsuit that, if you were to jump or be pushed into the water, you'd exit the water with your suit still in place with little or no adjustment. One that wouldn't cause the whole family to blush.
 
Now don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm an old, haggard, jealous wife. I'm not. Promise. My Hubs can look at your pics all he wants. Really. My hang up is... would your Daddy be okay with your display? How about your Grandmother? How about your 9 year old brother? How about your future kids in x number of years? You really think they'd be proud of your boobs coming out of everywhere and your barely covered ass?
 
I think not. So Generation Whatever-The-Hell-Ya'll-Are-Called-Now, please cover your shit up or better yet, don't post it on your damn Facebook page. Let me tell you a little secret... Back in the olden days (like, you know, like, back in, like, 1996, gah?), you had two forms of photographic evidence to destroy should you need to hide something before your children got their grimy little paws on it years later...negatives and actual paper photos. Nowadays, if you post photographic evidence of your shenanigans (and ass) on Facebook, that shit isn't going anywhere. Ever.
 
Sincerely,
The (slightly jealous) Old Lady With Manners, Decency, and Common Sense

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Ew...

They guy at the desk next to me keeps farting. I may go vomit now.