Secret Spineless Whine

Whinemellon

2011-06-15T09:44:00.002-04:00

Seedless watermelon should be seedless dammit!

healthcare whine

2011-06-12T20:33:00.002-04:00

After a decent bloodtest that revealed deficiencies in just about
everything, I finally have Rx and vitamins to address them and I feel
better than I have in YEARS. Screw you all who told me that I was just
depressed when I complained how tired and exhausted I have been.

at the movies

2011-06-09T18:12:00.002-04:00

Dear Self Centered Movie Watcher,

Please be aware that the seat back in front of you at the stadium-seating-movie-theater is not for your feet. It doesn't matter if there is no one seated there now. It doesn't matter if your tired. It doesn't matter if your tall. Someone's head will eventually have to sit where your dirty feet are now.

Also, note that though my nose was at least a yard away, I could detect a foul odor reeking from your feet. How it's possible that feet that are completely covered can stink that bad is beyond me. Have you been wearing the same socks all year? That is indeed why I changed seats.

I feel sorry for that blond that went with you. Oh yeah, when you put your stinky feet down, can you also let her know that it is not OK to talk in her living-room voice while the movie is running? On second thought, you two are made for each other.

Next time, will you do us all a favor and wait until the DVD comes out, or learn the difference between the local cineplex and your living room, oh and wash your feet now and then. Remember, change your socks every day.

I can't believe I'm wishing for the days when all I had to complain about at the theater was texting.

Thanks, until never, I hope,
Disgruntled Movie Watcher.

Pretending you're something you're not...

2011-05-21T22:23:00.001-04:00

When our sons were in Year Three, I happened to mention to you that if I wanted mine to attend the Church High School from Year Seven onwards, I needed to start attending church regularly now since the priest won't sign the paperwork unless you'd been a regular attender for a number of years. You didn't even appear to be listening. I continued to say that I wasn't going to do it since I thought it could be stealing a place from someone who genuinely went to church regularly because they wanted to and held strong beliefs. You agreed. I didn't go in to detail about any other reasons, just that I didn't think it was right.

Within a month your church attendance went from never to weekly. You joined the church's Mothers' Group. You began to take an active part in anything you possibly could. Then when it was paperwork time last October, the priest happily signed your son's application.

Come March this year, when the school allocations were made, you were full of praise for your son, about how well he'd done to get in to "the good school" when in reality none of the schools' admissions were based on achievement, only parental church attendance for church schools, or home location for other schools!

I was ecstatic that my son had got in to our first choice of school.

We'd chose a smaller school with a much more caring attitude.

One that has a 30minute shorter journey each way.

We believe that our son will be truly happy there and encouraged to develop all his skills in a way that is appropriate for his disability.

And come April, your face hasn't been seen in church for several weeks.

Well lets hope that God's Wrath is appropriate for you.

Let's hope your son doesn't have a thoroughly miserable time in that school - like I did when I went there.

And for goodness sake stop praising your son for doing nothing, he's big-headed and obnoxious enough already, and that's going to make him worse - how about the Christian value of humility, and remembering that vanity is a sin?

And just know that as soon as our kids begin High School in Autumn, you're off the FaceBook & Twitter friend lists because when I was pleased about where my son was going to High School you looked down your nose at the thought of him attending the local High School that you went to - yes, that caring, happy school is the one first I met you at 20+ years ago when I left "The Good School" because all they cared about was their own reputation and not the students welfare or happiness, they covered up abuse by teachers and ignored kids who were abused at home. Hope your son's gonna be really happy there!

no balls

2011-05-20T05:18:00.002-04:00

So, I am up at 3am making cake balls to surprise the girls on their campout.
While melting the candy coating I decide to check my online insurance
EOB statements and find out $250 of standard labwork is not covered.
WTF????? Burned the damn coating // no balls // kitchen stinks. :(

Best friend whine.

2011-05-17T13:49:00.002-04:00

To my (incredibly stupid, immature, and ridiculous) best friend of several years,

I would like you to know it's getting increasingly more difficult for me to hold my tongue and not tell you (every time I see you) that you have completely lost your damn mind...again. I know you've been lonely since your divorce two years ago, the divorce you caused by cheating on your wife basically from the day you started dating. I know you had a bad year last year as you whored your way through a whopping total of 29 girls (that I know about), aged 18-43 respectively, including one pregnancy scare and one trip to the doctor to get a shitload of antibiotics.

When you met Her a few months ago, you were still just playing around. In fact, you couldn't even decide if you'd rather sleep with Her or her sister. You picked Her. The one with a child. And now, 5 months later, you're getting married.

You, who have never been able to be faithful to a single person, including Her so far (gasp!), have decided you want to get married again... at her persistent urging, of course. You, who cannot make a decision to save your life OR tell anyone NO to anything, have decided you've turned over a new leaf and will be the perfect model husband. You, who won't just have an impact on Her life when you cheat again but her child's as well, want a delusional happily ever after. You, HAVE LOST YOUR GOD DAMN MIND. And for that matter, so has She.

Good luck and best wishes to you both on your upcoming nuptials.

Love,
Your Best Friend

Workplace Whine

2011-05-17T09:08:00.002-04:00

If no one in this office would talk to me for the rest of the day that would be freakin' sweet. I hate them all. None of the asinine conversations that have been thrust upon me this morning have been work related. I don't care about your dog, I don't think the world is going to end on Saturday, I don't care what you had for breakfast, I don't care what your kid got on his math test. Why won't they just shut up and leave me alone?

Do-Gooder Whine

2011-05-05T21:13:00.001-04:00

I carry leashes in my car and dog treats. We've rescued several dogs in the past. They usually have collars and tags, so we get them home fast. What was I thinking Wed. night when we picked up the dog with no tags?! No microchip either! I swear she's a pure breed. What the heck am I gonna do?! This do-good thing is a real pain in my ass right now!

dingbat

2011-04-15T21:51:00.002-04:00

I have complained here before about this but I must yet again. What was she thinking? Ok, let's face it. The divorce rate is outrageous in this country..and yes, I am one of the statistics. And so is my significant other. My complaint lies with his ex. SHE is the one that cheated, three times...until he finally realized it was over. He gave her the benefit of the doubt many times..and yet, she is being such a pain in the ass about everything. The kids, money..what she wants, and what she thinks she deserves. What she deserves is a swift kick in the ass! How is it that such an ungrateful woman, that CHEATED THREE TIMES seems to think he owes her?! Can people really be that stupid? Does she realize that all the bad things she says about the kids Dad will come back to haunt her later in life? That one day, the kids will know that Dad did right by them and she was wrong?!

Complaining doesn't seem like enough. She should learn her lesson the hard way. And I truly believe that what comes around, goes around. I look forward to the day when she gets hers. Sorry, but I do. Maybe then she will realize what she did was wrong and feel a wee itsy bit of remorse.

Nah, probably not.

Bitch.

No Map - No Go....

2011-04-12T21:10:00.002-04:00

Ya know, when I have to hand deliver the party invitations cuz I am a slacker mom, and your house is in such a brand spanking new subdivision? That Google Maps directs me to a run-over mailbox in a horse pasture after driving 10 minutes down a dirt road 25 minutes from my house? We will put you first on the waiting list for next year. Sorry :(

I will end you

2011-04-11T17:31:00.002-04:00

I am pregnant, hungry, nauseous, and pissed off. First off you f'ing stink and secondly if you don't stop making that disgusting hawking noise in the back of your throat every 20 seconds I will crush you with my fat thighs. I. WILL. END. YOU.

quickies

2011-04-10T14:38:00.002-04:00

So the weekend was a rough one between me and the huzz. For the first time in a long time (ever?) we had a kid free night - all were spending night with friends. So what did we do instead of have a wild night of sex and orgies? We argued about it. Sex, that is. Specifically, his lack of being affectionate and communicative outside the bedroom and how it's killing my libido. So toward the end, after many tears and talks, we found ourselves having a conversation about the fact that in our many years of marriage we never have quickies. He won't have them. He thinks they're unfair to me. I'm a slow-to-O type woman, despite his heroic efforts, and he (as well as I) think it's priority for both of us to get to the promised land. But I was arguing with him that we seldom have time for mine, and that quickies, every now and again, while not giving me the big O, can be an exciting alternative as well as make me more anxious for when we do have time for mine. Oh no, he said. This is a recipe for disaster. It will come back and bite me on the ass. I finally saw how ridiculous this conversation would have sounded to others. I told him to imagine me posting on facebook how I have to beg my husband for quickies. I wonder how many marriage proposals I'd get.

My worst fear has now been realized

2011-04-06T18:44:00.002-04:00

One of my children has nits. I spent $79 at Walgreens in a panic. That did not include wine...

whine for the day

2011-03-25T13:09:00.002-04:00

Would all of you Americans who feel the need to do the double cheek air kiss greeting please tell me why you do???! And then, would you please get over yourself?!! You are not European. You are an American, living in America with American friends. It comes off as a blatant and pathetic attempt to convince yourself that you are living some sort of sophisticated, cultured European life, yet, you are sadly and clearly not living in your reality. You look ridiculous and as insincere as your fake hair color.

OK, OK, I admit it. I've been watching waaaaayyyyy too much The Housewives of Beverly Hills and New York City. Yes, that's just as sad and pathetic, if not, more so.

momma growls

2011-03-22T22:53:00.002-04:00

My name would never cross anyone's mind when it comes time to hand out the Most Patient Mom award, granted. But I have zero patience when it comes to three-minutes-before-bedtime foraging for school supplies. Get your arse in bed, Momma growls.

Watch out for your nuts

2011-03-08T12:59:00.002-05:00

My husband is a great man who would do anything for his real friends. Even his not so real friends. So when you bail on his poker night that he planned himself for his own birthday? You kind of look like an asshole. And when you don't even bother to respond at all? You look like an even bigger asshole. Since when do people think it's ok not to respond to invites from their best friends? You hurt his feelings, and that pisses me off.

When you mess with my man, you mess with me, and right now I want to punch you in the nuts. Or just ignore any invite you send our way. But we won't do that, because we're good friends. Which is more than I can say for you.

P.S. The same goes for 1 year old birthday parties. All I ask for is a simple email of "sorry, we can't make it." There, was that so hard? You don't even have to call me and tell me in person.

You really make me question our friendship.

It's a Bar Mitzvah, not a back-yard picnic

2011-03-01T15:21:00.003-05:00

So, NO, it is NOT ok if you decide the day before if you want to bring your kids. You got the invitation a month ago and there's a respond by date on the little card thingee and on the day after that date I forward a head count to my caterer and she charges me for that number of people.

I assure you, when YOUR child gets Bar mitzvahed, this will irk you too, and you will have NO recollection that you were once this obtuse.

What up with all the splits?????

2011-02-18T18:57:00.003-05:00

All of a sudden it seems, just about everyone I know is getting divorced! And this time I don't mean the Real Housewives. Only 1 of them I totally get; the rest are coworkers, casual friends and acquaintances, that just all of a sudden you just get this vibe because of something they say, or a ring is missing.....and dang, there it is online! Now, I know that we don't know what goes on beyond closed doors yada yada but I mean, my marriage is not perfect, but these are all people that were doing a better job of fakin it than me KWIM??? I am always the last to know and late to the party but is this the 7-10 year itch?? I want to be supportive but dang, like I said, I have been to hell and back with the help of Robert Mondavi and some Klonopin, so I kinda feel like a hypocrite. I am just sad for all involved :(

What a B****

2011-02-16T07:56:00.001-05:00

I told my coworker that I had been out of the office yesterday because my cat is sick. She had not seemed like she was feeling well for a while. Turns out she has a growth in her mouth and had to have several teeth out. Not sure yet what the growth was, but when I told my co worker about this she proceeded to tell me a detailed story about the horrible death of her mother in laws cat from mouth cancer. Then she told me my cat was probably doomed. What a bitch.

2011-02-14T16:16:00.002-05:00

Simple Rules of Telephone Etiquette:

1. If you spend more than 5% of the phone call talking/laughing/yelling at other people in the SAME ROOM as you, get off the phone and talk to THEM.
2. If you are doing household chores, don't call me to "keep you company".
3. If you are performing acts of personal hygiene, such as bathing/waxing your various parts etc. Fuck off. That shit is personal and NOBODY wants to listen to you do it.
4. If you have already called me at least once today, put the phone DOWN and wait until tomorrow or even next week.
5. If you don't have anything important to say, GOODBYE bitch.

One would *think* these would be common-sense for most people.

2011-02-13T17:35:00.001-05:00

I hate when people can't remember the difference between what they
dreamt and what actually happened. My mother fell asleep on the couch,
I woke her up to send her to bed and she then shouted at me for ten
minutes about not letting me cut fabric samples because I hadn't done
any work, when I laughed she gave me a further bollocking because I
was being rude to her?! WTF?! Go to bed woman!! Just for that I'll
leave you to sleep on the couch.
I can't wait to move out.

Anonymous

Three triangles and string do not equal a swimsuit.

2011-02-03T00:58:00.002-05:00

Dear (early) 20 year olds on Facebook,

I understand that when you're 20, skinny, but with gigantic natural boobs, and have a slightly smaller version of J-Lo's ass (but with no cellulite), that you want to show off your assets via the only way you kids know how... bikini pictures on Facebook. I get it. If I looked like that I may even be tempted to do the same. I, however, don't actually need to worry about that...nor will I ever.

When I was younger, my Mama told me not to reveal everything. Leave a little something to the imagination. Stay decent. Stay respectable. Wear a swimsuit that, if you were to jump or be pushed into the water, you'd exit the water with your suit still in place with little or no adjustment. One that wouldn't cause the whole family to blush.

Now don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm an old, haggard, jealous wife. I'm not. Promise. My Hubs can look at your pics all he wants. Really. My hang up is... would your Daddy be okay with your display? How about your Grandmother? How about your 9 year old brother? How about your future kids in x number of years? You really think they'd be proud of your boobs coming out of everywhere and your barely covered ass?

I think not. So Generation Whatever-The-Hell-Ya'll-Are-Called-Now, please cover your shit up or better yet, don't post it on your damn Facebook page. Let me tell you a little secret... Back in the olden days (like, you know, like, back in, like, 1996, gah?), you had two forms of photographic evidence to destroy should you need to hide something before your children got their grimy little paws on it years later...negatives and actual paper photos. Nowadays, if you post photographic evidence of your shenanigans (and ass) on Facebook, that shit isn't going anywhere. Ever.

Sincerely,
The (slightly jealous) Old Lady With Manners, Decency, and Common Sense

Ew...

2011-02-02T09:16:00.002-05:00

They guy at the desk next to me keeps farting. I may go vomit now.

One more

2011-01-30T11:26:00.002-05:00

If ONE more person tells me to just relax and it will happen I will rip ONE of my useless ovaries out and throw it at them. That's not how it works if you have a legitimate medical condition, sorry to burst your bubble.

If just ONE sperm would meet up with ONE egg (which is never there) I would be willing to throw a parade.

Until then it's just ONE more needle stick, ONE more round of medication, ONE more negative test.

ONE more day, ONE more month, ONE more year, ONE more lifetime of trying and failing, of being defective, of being broken.

that crumb of a husband

2011-01-26T01:28:00.002-05:00

This whine is pretty measly compared to the guy asking for a divorce on the anniversary but who knows, sometimes it's the small stuff that leads up to such a huge step..

Two things bug me (at the moment) about my husband and his kitchen duties.

1. He never, ever wipes up the crumbs. Not from the dining table. Not from the cutting board island. Not from the stove top. I don't care how grease spattered, he's given himself a free pass for life on the crumb wiping.

2. When he does the dishes, I often join him. I clear the table, put leftovers away, bring him the pots and pans off the stove. And yes, I wipe the stove. Not always but often. When I do the dishes? He's squarely parked in front of the television. Relaxed and not giving a thought in the world to me, apparently. I know, I know. I should follow his lead, right? Let him suffer alone, too. Give myself the relaxing break. But I want him to join me. It makes the time go by faster. I like to lead by example, only it doesn't seem to be working.

Most of the time I cope with this minor quibble by reminding myself that plenty of husbands don't help at all. I can't decide if I'm enabling or if it's healthy, i.e., don't sweat the small stuff. Choose my nag battles, etc.

In the meantime, I'll just wine about it.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

2011-01-24T19:32:00.001-05:00

Today is our fourteenth anniversary! YAY! I spent the day excited about where we might go for dinner to celebrate! YAY! When I got home, my husband told me he has been miserable for years, everything I say annoys him, and he's moving out! yay.

One less bell to answer

2011-01-18T14:18:00.002-05:00

Now that you are finally moving out, putting an end to the slow death of our 20-year marriage, an old song by Dionne Warwick comes to mind...

Let me sing it for you:

One less bell to answer
One less egg to fry
One less man to pick up after
I should be happy
....

and I am!

That is all.

Dear Starbucks Cashier

2011-01-15T09:07:00.003-05:00

When you say "can I help you?" and then immediately start chatting to your co-worker, do you think you're going to catch my order?

Neither do I!

So why do you do it, over and over again?

And when I get a grande coffee and you charge me for a grande latte and I point it out to you, is it medically necessary to roll your eyes before crediting your mistake to my card?

Because in our society, the correct response is "oh, I'm sorry."

Love,
Caffeinated Marinka

Thanks for your fertility updates!

2010-12-22T21:41:00.002-05:00

Ahh Christmas. The time of Christmas letters. It was great to hear again how well you and Kev are getting on. So glad the girls are enjoying being homeschooled. Jr High already? Wow. Honestly though, the tidbit from each one of them, about your miscarriage in February......I mean from all 3 of your family members? In the same letter? I mean, it wasn't even that long of a letter? Personal much??!!?? But congrats on your new pregnancy...hope that goes Really Well......cuz if it doesn't I am not sure we can handle another letter like that next year.

2010-12-21T20:24:00.002-05:00

Dear Bitch,

Did you not realize that your life might change when you got caught cheating on your spouse not once, not twice but for the THIRD time?! You were caught and then tried to wiggle your way out of it. You have talked poorly about the man who once loved you in front of the kids...no, you have talked downright MEAN about him in front of the kids. You have bit him, beaten him with hairbrushes and cell phones. And all along, it was YOU that did not keep your legs closed to other men.

I am not sure what you are thinking if you think you deserve special consideration around the holidays. The opposite of what took place last year will happen this year. NO, the kids won't be with you every Christmas morning. Every other year they will be with their Father. A man who once cherished you and the love he had for you. But YOU, yes YOU..were the one that chose to throw it away when you slept with another man. NOT him. You can threaten to call the police if you don't hear from them as often as you want to on his time. His time is exactly that: HIS TIME. You don't need to call and ask them how they slept or what they did today. You can ask them that on YOUR time.

Karma is a bitch..what goes around, comes around. One day, the kids will know which parent did right by them. One day, your kids may end up not liking you very much. And you will have no one else to blame but YOURSELF. I really wonder how you sleep each night, knowing what you are doing is wrong. Unless, that is, that for some sick reason you actually believe it is okay to behave the way you.

Because it isn't okay. It just isn't.

IT IS NOT OKAY.

2010-12-15T11:10:00.002-05:00

My workplace is a ridiculous combination of The Office and Peyton Place...

Frenemies

2010-12-14T08:16:00.002-05:00

Enough said.

Head Explosion Imminent

2010-12-08T10:16:00.002-05:00

I'm a returning student which means I am older than everyone else in my classes and I have two jobs and a family to take care of on top of school work. So this week I only have 3 finalized printed portfolios due, plus have to shoot 6 new things for yet another portfolio that all have to have very complex photoshop manipulations done on them, a final exam, three outdoor photo shoots scheduled over two days and surprise surprise its going to rain and I cant reschedule b/c they are for Christmas and I apparently live in a vacuum of nice looking readily available indoor locations, a 40 page paper and 15 page excel financial spreadsheet for a teacher I absolutely cannot stand, and I have to find an internship and it's really not going very well. I have approximately 18,000 Christmas gifts to buy and zero money to buy them with. My job sucks, and pays next to nothing. Not to mention I'm kind of in the middle of a huge personal problem that I can't talk to anyone about b/c, well, they would know about it. Stress through the roof. And for the love of all that is good and holy if this fool does not stop walking around my office whistling the first 3 bars of Holly Jolly Christmas over and over I am going to remove his lips with my staple remover. Head explosion in 3...2...1... I'm going to go sit in the corner and cry for a few minutes now.

Nag

2010-12-05T18:57:00.001-05:00

You know, if you did what I told you to do in the first place, I wouldn't have to nag.

no gray area

2010-12-01T10:00:00.003-05:00

why is it that when it comes to children, sometimes parents are completely clueless? isn't there a basic maternal/paternal instinct that kicks in as humans? can bitterness and dare I say, hatred, consume someone so much that it clouds their own judgement for what is best for their children? does common courtesy go out the door when it comes to being, say... courteous? it isn't towards a stranger in the store that you hope you may never see again...but rather to someone you are going to have contact with consistently for the next say, 15 years?

what are the unwritten rules for an ex contacting you at all hours of the day and night...for no other reasons than the following: "I need to ask the kids something." "Please have the kids call me to say goodnight." "Are the kids okay?" "(X child) was up coughing last night'" "FYI..I was up again last night because X child was coughing again." "Did you get my voicemail?" "Did you read my last text?"

seriously...when you send a text, do you text again within a short amount of time, ASKING if the text was read?! if the text or voicemail do not warrant a reply, then no reply is needed. if the text or phone call is not an emergency, can't the information wait until a decent time of day...say NOT at 5 something in the morning? or 12 something at night? I believe both parents need to know what is happening when one of the kids isn't well. but unless it is an emergency, there should be some common decent courtesy. that would be like if the kids were with one parent, one of them throws up in the middle of the night and a text or call was made..."hey, FYI, child X just puked." aaand?..... something like this cannot wait until the morning? and a decent time in the morning?

what are some unwritten rules any of you follow? what works for you?

I'm speechless. Well, not really.

2010-11-24T00:51:00.002-05:00

Dear Anonymous Emailer,

I'm a sarcastic person by nature. I can understand that sometimes that isn't translated very well on my blog. Did you get that? MY blog. I assume that everyone who reads what I write knows what sarcasm is and how it's used. I assume everyone knows there may be a "bad" word (or three) in my posts. I assume that we can all be an adult and understand that everyone has different thoughts and ideas. I've assumed wrong.

If you feel like I'm a horrible person for making fun of those people native to the state in which I currently reside, fine. Stop reading my blog RIGHT NOW, drive your uptight ass down here, and see if you can muddle your way through their nonsense. I dare you. Those posts are supposed to be humorous. This is obviously another personality trait you lack. That makes two if you need me to count them for you... 1. Sarcasm. 2. Humor. Need me to keep going?

If you think I'm promoting drinking and drugs (to kids- where the hell that came from, I'll never know) by telling you people that I have a glass (or bottle) of champagne and a muscle relaxer (or two) to help me sleep some nights, then you fall off a building, break a large percentage of the bones in your body, and then try to lead a somewhat normal life. By the way, remember that commercial from the '80's when the Dad catches the kid doing drugs? Remember what the kid said? "I learned it from watching you." Chances are, your kids are learning their bad habits from you, not me. Where do you think I learned how to drink and curse? That's right...my Mama. She's damn proud of it too.

And speaking of...if you think I curse like a sailor, well, then, you're correct. If you have a problem with that, stop fucking reading my damn blog. I don't criticize your obviously fake, 24/7 sunshine and rainbows blog. I don't like yours, so guess what? I don't read it. You don't like mine? Stop fucking reading it.

I didn't start my blog so you could read it. I started my blog so I could bitch about my life. If you happened to stumble across it, fine. Keep on stumbling right on over to the next one. I don't need your bullshit. I have enough of my own, thankyouverymuch.

Sincerely,
An obviously drugged out, alcoholic, broken-down, hypocritical (my fave), horrible role model.

Oh, by the way... kiss it, bitch.

what the hell does that mean?

2010-11-17T18:50:00.002-05:00

I've been stewing on this for a few days and wasn't sure what I was
stewing about. On Monday I went to my first bi-weekly appointment with
the nutritionists for the Gestational Diabetes. I've been going once a
month since week 8 of this pregnancy and I am proud to have kept my
sugars under control via exercise and diet. Up until this point I've
been praised and patted on the back for all the hard work that goes
into that and it is hard work and a huge pain in the ass. I thought my
problem was that they were being a little nit-picky with the type of
bread that I've been buying. The brand we've been buying is low carb
and has higher than 3 grams of fibre per slice which is what they
suggest.

So, I'm with the dietician before going into see the Doctor and she's
giving me a hard time about my pre-breakfast numbers because they are
higher than they should be and I'm going to need to change up my bed
time snacks so they'll get lower and then on the way to the Dr, whose
office is down the hall she asks if I had any trouble losing the baby
weight from my last pregnancy five years ago and she gets a shocked
look on her face when I tell her that not only did I not have trouble
but that I went below my pre-pregnancy weight and then she asks me if
Diabetes runs in my family and when I say "no" she gets another big
surprised look on her face and says "that's odd".

And three days later I'm sitting here thinking to myself "What the
hell was that supposed to mean?" Do I look like I come from a family
rife with Diabetes? Do I look like I'm on the verge of ballooning up
into morbid obesity? Up until this point I've felt pretty good about
how I'm looking this pregnancy. I'm still fitting into some non-
pregnancy pants, I'm walking two to three times a day. I'm not bloated
with fluids, My face is still thin. Now I'm wondering if I'm not
seeing something that others are. All I can say is "Bitch!"

2010-11-09T20:18:00.002-05:00

I recently found out about someone I know. They are choosing to partake in certain activities that the majority of people would frown upon. And she just laughs, and says, "Yeah, I am being naughty". This goes back to an earlier whine asking, doesn't she know better?

The proverbial slap across the face is desperately needed to wake this woman up to the damage she is causing in the lives of two young people. She needs to shut her mouth, close her legs and turn down the volume.

If I Put On A Costume, I'm Getting Candy

2010-10-31T20:03:00.001-04:00

and no amount of "aren't you a little too old for this?" is going to deter me.

I Am So Appreciated

2010-10-29T11:15:00.001-04:00

Dear Boss,
I was delighted to hear that you wanted to buy your staff lunch for Employee Appreciation Day. After years of making you look good, we all deserve at least one free lunch, right? So, after (1) calling eateries; (2) taking lunch votes; (3) begging mid-managers for money; (4) creating and posting flyers and emails; (5) tracking RSVPs and lunch orders; (6) arranging tables & chairs; (7) picking up the lunches and schlepping them back to the office; and (8) cleaning up afterward (all the while you and your kiss-ass mid-managers sat watching) I simply cannot express how appreciated I felt. Next year, give me $10 and let me eat alone at McDonald's.

2010-10-24T21:31:00.001-04:00

My husband ignores me and won't help me with anything. (Thank you, World of Warcraft.) My elderly dog peed on my favorite hat this morning. My sons "borrowed" $1200 from my Visa without my permission. I have a fever of 103 and my throat feels like it's on fire. It's Sunday -and thanks to my sons- I can't afford to go to the E.R. for treatment. I wish I was well enough; I would kick 'em all out in the rain. When the best part of my family is a senile dog, I just want to trade my family in for a new model.

Bigot much?

2010-10-15T14:09:00.001-04:00

Really, it is fine that you aren't all into facebook and post like once a year. But when you, with your PhD in Psychology, teaching at a universtiy, comment on my post about gay teens committing suicide because of the bullying and say "parents are lashing out in anger over their childs death" - that makes you look like a complete tool. On my FB page. I wanted to delete it and defriend you but left it up so all our friends can see what an overeducated bigot you are. I really hope that you don't have any students in the closet in any of your classes.

Sure, let me be the bad guy whine

2010-10-14T14:46:00.002-04:00

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me for caring about the safety of your 6 month
old who is riding in an illegally front facing carseat. I know I may
come across as a know it all biotch, despite all attempts to sound
kind and diplomatic (and I believe I did), but my intentions are
nothing but good and caring. I would never forgive myself if something
happened and I had never said anything. And all of this I would gladly
tell you if you would be an adult and respond to my freaking email and
voice mail. Yes, I know you got them. Telling you my concerns was not
easy for me, but that's what friends do -- they look out for each
other. But I guess we both know that we were never really friends.

And to you, friend who first noticed the situation, said you couldn't
let it go, but was too chicken to say anything? Thanks for so
graciously letting me be the bad guy. You had very well not throw me
under the bus if the subject ever comes up.

shouldn't she know better?

2010-10-04T16:15:00.002-04:00

When it comes to kids, parents are often the best ones to know, right? Especially about their own kids? Now, what if that said parent is also a teacher? Isn't there the added training about chronological progression through life,.... what is in the best interest of children in general? What is acceptable and not?

So why is it that sometimes you find a teacher that is also a parent that does things, says things, that just make you shake your head and wonder what the hell is the matter with them?!

Amazon Rant

2010-10-03T19:26:00.002-04:00

How come every time I place an order at Amazon, which is OFTEN I tell you, the golden box deal of the day is either coordinated His&Her Snuggies or Men's Flannel lounge pants. ?

--

My whine

2010-09-16T21:00:00.001-04:00

You had to be the first. First to get an awesome job. First to get married. First to buy a house. First to have a baby. First to have a second baby. First to get a serious illness. First to die. Now I just want to talk to you, but you have the nerve to be dead. How could you leave me and what will I do with the rest of my long life without you.

2010-09-14T23:30:00.003-04:00

I want to rename our wireless router BITCHASS and broadcast it and see how my HOA handles complaints about that.

Chocolate Coated Whine

2010-09-11T20:47:00.001-04:00

I started a new healthy lifestyle, I eat right, I exercise most every day, I have lost 14lbs in one month. Everything is going great during the day. However, every night this week I have dreamed of Reese's peanut butter cups and Snickers bars. The sub-conscience runs deep...sigh.

I may be mocked but I'm willing to take the chance...

2010-09-11T20:38:00.001-04:00

Here's a whine for ya...

I'm thin. Not ghostly, bone protruding thin, but for an over forty
year old woman I am doing all right, sort of. I work out, eat right,
eat wrong, I am raising 4 children (two of whom will be in high school
this coming fall), I drink wine. I also complain about my body. I
complain about my expanding waist and my sagging boobs. The weight is
creeping up and no one likes that I want to complain about it. Yes,
you heard right - I'm complaining and I say we thin gals have a right!
My friends roll their eyes when I tell them it's hard to find a size 3
(2s can be snug on the old butt and 4s bag on my waist). "Oh such
problems," they mutter - not so I can't hear them, mind you. I get it.
People want to be thin, but I am watching things happen to my body,
too. Why can't I complain about them? I have a belly roll. I don't
like my belly roll. Why do you laugh when I show it to you? My butt
has gotten bigger, it has! And it depresses me. Do I have to have a
butt you could land a plane on for you to acknowledge that my bigger
self icks me out like yours does? Let us thin friends into your circle
of misery, that's all we ask. I want to be able to say to you "Oh, I
shouldn't have that" when we both stare at the double chocolate layer
cake and have you tell me "no, you shouldn't". I want you to nod your
head in understanding when I complain that I DO need Spanx under that
new dress and I want you to mean it!!!
--
Diane Kutney
http://moonclippings.blogspot.com/

Get a Grip

2010-09-09T20:35:00.002-04:00

We've been married 13 years. And have 5 amazing children. Have survived crap that would tear other couples apart and been happy. The best couple I know. And now? For some reason you've decided to be an idiot. Honey, the Good Ship Irresponsible sailed 14 years ago. You better get a grip and pull it together. Quickly. Or it's going to get uglier than you could ever imagine.

Who names a hurricane Earl?

2010-09-01T20:22:00.002-04:00

Now I can't get that Dixie Chicks song "Goodbye Earl" out of my head.

Open Toe Boots! A Must Have for ...er...

2010-08-30T22:05:00.002-04:00

What moron thought that this would be a great idea?

Is it for people who love both boots and sandals, and yet can only afford one or the other? Well, at just over $500 a pair, these women now don't-have-to-choose! Oh, if only Sophie had it this easy!

Special thanks to @Taradublinrocks for tweeting this abomination!

I'm Single and My Life is Boring

2010-08-26T18:52:00.002-04:00

It's times like this where it just suddenly hits me: I'm single and my life is boring.
It's a holiday night, it's right after exam results, and I'm not out partying with my friends and celebrating. Dear god, my nearest friend is fifty miles away anyway. No: instead, I'm sat inside with my laptop on my knees, reading badly-written racy amateur fiction on FictionPress.com. I put on makeup and got dressed up to go and do my grocery shopping at ASDA today because I go out so little that ASDA seems like the place to wear four-inch heels. I've never gone out clubbing in my life, because I prefer to spend my money on silly clothes with sillier names from designer labels nobody's heard of and so I'm flat broke most of the time. I don't even drink or smoke, but I do dress like a crazy little Victorian girl with a floral pattern obsession, and the most human contact I get in a day is the stares when I walk down the street to get another bottle of flavoured water.

And, you know, I'm not quite sure how this happened. Because most of the time I feel all WHOO YEH! I'M SINGLE! NO RISK OF ARBITRARY HEARTBREAK! and then things go wrong a bit, I lose my job in a budget cut, I struggle with the rent and my landlady shouts at me, my growing student debt waves a cheerful hand with the latest letter, and it hits me like OH FUCK, I'M SINGLE. My last courtship was several years ago, and it lasted two months; a neurotic, clingy dork with no respect for personal boundaries. No, make that my only courtship. Ever.
Maybe it's something to do with the fact that I use words like 'courtship', but it strikes me that not being disablingly ugly, thick or having disgusting habits, I really should be able to find someone. Nay, by all accounts I'm a pretty and intelligent young woman, and I still can't find a date. If the fifty-ton man could get a girlfriend, what the hell's stopping me?

...Or maybe I should just get out more.

Yours,
A Grateful, yet Anonymously Sad Singleton

deja vu all over again

2010-08-22T06:56:00.002-04:00

Lets see the last time i was pregnant you went on a big ol' party
binge, stayed out all night and most of the next day after springing
your plans on me with little notice. Are we really going to do this
all over again? Sure you actually came home this time but we have
plans in the morning and I' the one who has to get up with our child
and make sure Daddy isn't woken up because he had a late night...ummm
yeah I don't think that's gonna happen. Get ready for an early wake up
call

my secret spineless whine

2010-08-19T09:59:00.002-04:00

Dear Husband,

Thank you for waking me at 3:00 am to look at the pile of dog diarrhea on the floor. You were already cleaning it up, did you need to be comforted while doing so, because really, was it necessary for me to be woken out of a sound sleep and trudge out to the living room to view the liquidy ooze? Did you need confirmation that it was indeed a pile of runny dog shit and not some alien life form that had slunk into our house to eat your brains? At that moment I was questioning whether your brains had been sucked out of your head because THREE FUCKING AM.

That damn dog eats her own shit and the occassional gopher, so periodic bouts of dog diarrhea are not uncommon, remember? She'd eat your shit right out of the toilet as if it were a gourmet meal if she had the chance. This is why she is not allowed to put her tongue anywhere near my face.

The next time you wake me up at that hour to verify the existence of dog shit on the floor, I might just have to rub your nose in it.

Your loving irritated wife.

Mean Girls

2010-08-10T18:56:00.000-04:00

Karma will get you one day for bashing that softball size rock on my daughter’s car and causing that big dent that will take a new hood to fix. A car that she worked all summer to earn money to buy and is paying me back on the couple hundred she had to borrow so she had it in time for school, so I did not have to change my schedule to take her. She is a much better person than I because I would like to take that rock and put it through the windshield of that new Explorer that your mommy bought you.

Sleepover Invite

2010-08-06T13:44:00.002-04:00

No, it is NOT okay for you to invite your son to a sleepover at MY house. The last (any only) time he came over he made a huge pee mess on the toilet seat in the bathroom and wouldn't stop insisting that he watch movies that I don't feel are appropriate for my 10 year old. All this, and you've never once offered to have either of my kids over to YOUR house for a sleepover. Seriously? We are not good enough friends for that. Plus, my hubby doesn't even like your family, so that makes it even harder to get together. Stop inviting yourself to things at MY house!!

Hi Godmom!!!

2010-08-05T00:56:00.002-04:00

Hey! I am following you on Twitter. I doubt you will follow me back though since you are all "famous" and shit. You haven't seen me since I was 12. I think that the only reason my mother, your 2nd cousin, made you my godmother is so she could say my Godmother is a C-list actress. But your husband is B-list. Sometimes I wonder if she even told you that your were my Godmother???? Since my aunt stood in for you at my baptism. Well, if you follow me back I will try again to watch your show....it did not hold me the first time. My blog is really funny though, and I could uh, really help you with your website some. Well, see you around. P.S. I am really glad you haven't fallen for any of those Real Housewives - in California. Smart Move!

Yes, I'm Jealous of YOU

2010-08-03T17:08:00.002-04:00

Yes, I'm jealous of YOU, mom of just one baby. You are getting the mom
experience I had fantasized about when I was pregnant. Well, for about
5 days of my pregnancy before I was told that I was having twins. You,
mom of just one baby, can go wherever you want. Sit with said baby at
Starbucks. Take said baby to the pool with you. Drop said baby off
with the grandparents so you can go get a pedicure (did I also mention
I am jealous of you because your parents live nearby?). Pass said baby
off to husband so you can eat your meal in peace instead of both of
you having to struggle to eat while monitoring/holding/wrangling two
mobile crazies in a house where people think it's ok to have glass end
tables and sharp edged doo hickeys laying around. You can also more
than likely afford to put said baby in mother's day out when she's
ready. Heck, even if you just stay home, you can hold your baby when
she cries instead of having to choose which one gets held and which
one has to cry in the swing. Yes, you may think having a baby is hard
work, but you have no idea what hard work is until you try to
breastfeed preemie twins on a never ending 3 hour schedule, in which
you're lucky if you get 90 minutes of sleep before you have to start
again. No idea.

And now that I have an infant #3, I am also jealous of YOU, mom of
just twins. How crazy is that?

Ugh!

2010-08-03T03:24:00.002-04:00

So I can't believe that these stupid diet pills are making me cranky.....I'm trying to lose weight but I hav to always be ina bad flippin mood and piss off everyone around me.....and if I don't do it then I hav to live with fat self. I'm already starving myself and I can't lose nothing...ugh...FML
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

No wonder I have trouble counting calories...

2010-07-26T21:30:00.002-04:00

If I buy a ready-mixed SlimFast I get 325mls of shake.

If I buy the powder and mix it with milk, the directions say to only use 250mls of milk.

Yet they both count as a full meal - and one is nearly a quarter more than the other?

But it also means that I can't use the empty bottle to measure my own shakes in! Ggggrrrrr!

Bad Friend!

2010-07-25T19:22:00.003-04:00

The Dog that I have owned for 10 years just recently passed away and after getting over the initial shock of the matter I turn to my best friend who knew how much my dog meant to me and is a fellow dog lover, so I thought out of anyone she would understand but boy was I wrong. So I IM her at first trying to make casual conversation asking how her weekend had been. After she went on and on about how spectacular her weekend was the conversation ends without her asking me how I had been. After five minutes she begins talking all about her self again (very typical) I had to interrupt her mid sentence to say my dog died her response is....."Are you kidding" followed by the cliché I'm sorry call me if you need anything. So three days go bye and I have not heard a word from her, even though I was online for an hour while she was she could not be bothered to IM me ( I always have to IM little princess first) Finally on the third day she text me to cancel plans for tomorrow. Even though I was really upset with her we starting talking again and made plans for the upcoming weekend which she cancelled to go to the city, with her other friends that I am also friends with, to go to a museum she knew I would be interested in. She could have invited me but she chose not to, why? I've known her for a while and it doesn't take a while for me to figure out that she wanted to look the best out of everyone and apparently I did not fit in that equation. She is one of those girls who is self conscious when she needs a little ego boost, but honestly she is the most cocky person I have every met. And I really hope she does not try to talk to me to tell me how fabulous her weekend is because I will tell her how disgusting she truly is and how self centered she is because apparently "she does give a shit about people" Yeah right you're so stupid.

Bail out this Farm!

2010-07-21T21:47:00.004-04:00

My daughter spent $285 on "gems" for the FREE "farm story" game on her ipod. How do those game developers sleep at night?

And WTF is the connection between farms and gems anyway?

(Yes, I should have noticed that she somehow figured out the itunes
password and shouldnt have linked my credit card to the account. Hell,
I got what I deserved letting a 9 year old child even have an iTouch.
I'm a miserable mother. I just wish I were a miserable mother with an
extra $285)

whine

2010-07-21T21:41:00.002-04:00

My biggest fear about quitting working and staying at home with my children is how BORING I would become. Not bored, but boring. I love my stay-at-home-mom friends. Really, I do. And I respect what they do for their families. But they are the most boring bunch of people I know.

About Bob the Builder

2010-07-21T13:40:00.002-04:00

Congrats on your new room addition. I've been really patient, but so far it has taken Bob 3 weeks just to remove the roof from your 2 car garage. How much longer do you think it's gonna take? Do you think that maybe he should get some more guys up there to help out? Maybe some younger ones that look like Justin Timberlake? Shirts optional - I'm flexible. I don't know, it seems like during these dog days of summer there are probably some junior high boys that would love to help demo some stuff for like, free pizza?? In the meantime, is it OK of I put some stuff in your big commercial dumpster? I have some closets and stuff to clean out and your driveway is closer than the household dropoff plus they only let me "drop" twice a month.

WHAT THE "SIX FLAGS" AT THE SIX FLAGS AMUSEMENT PARK APPARENTLY REPRESENT:

2010-07-11T21:18:00.002-04:00

1. Morbid obesity

2. Toothless baby mamas

3. Prison tats of Jesus and/or marijuana

4. Babies drinking Dr. Pepper

5. Wet XXXL Tweety Bird tank tops

6. Visions that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my fucking life

2010-07-10T18:22:00.002-04:00

INTERESTING, isn't it? HR was all ready to give me a 2 week suspension
without pay due to you and your little friends saying I had used the N
word when talking to and about you and how I threatened you with
physical violence UNTIL I told them my attorney was involved. Now that
you cannot give a date or time or any evidence to the LIE you told, HR
isn't so eager to be on your side. Interesting....

Zit whine

2010-07-09T14:16:00.002-04:00

Seriously? I have gorgeous skin alll summer (spent with children) and suddenly the weekend I plan on spending with exciting new people I grow mt. pimple right on my CHEEK! Dude...

Lindsay Lohan is Going to Jail!

2010-07-07T08:23:00.003-04:00

So she tried to sob her way out of it, by saying things like "I'm not taking this as a joke, it's my life and it's my career."

But here's the thing, LoHo--it's not just your life. It's the lives of others that you endanger by driving drunk.

I'm delighted that she'll be locked up.

HOW THE HELL. . .

2010-07-02T10:38:00.001-04:00

s my daughter with the sprained ankle supposed to put no weight on her foot when you doctors won't give her crutches? The ER doctor didn't send her home with any -- and I was too relieved that it was just a sprain to think to ask. Her primary care doc decided to defer to the Orthopaedist -- who I just found out wasn't planning to see her until Tuesday though PC doc wanted her seen last night because of worsening symptoms. So here we are, hauling an 11 year old up and down stairs and watching her hop on one foot to get to the bathroom, in and out of the dr's offices and hospital. Idiots.

What was he thinking??

2010-06-30T23:20:00.001-04:00

What on God’s green Earth would possess my husband to put a plastic “Honey Bear” filled with honey, in the microwave (lid on and closed tight), set the microwave timer for 5 minutes and go and watch TV?

Just asking…..while I am cleaning honey off of every fucking surface within a 15 foot diameter of the microwave. And yes, I am cleaning it up because he can’t do anything right.

Signed,

Flaming pissed in WI

Way off Target

2010-06-29T13:18:00.002-04:00

Really, Target.com? You don't tell people items aren't in stock or unavailable? You just randomly change the color of the item added to the cart? No pop-up, no warning? How pissed would I be to open a box, expecting 4 white and 2 black Champion compression t's for my sons, and find 6 'Cupid Red' t's? REALLY SUPER PISSED. Be glad I noticed the problem before I finished placing my order and called to question what I was seeing.

Theresa is not my name

2010-06-28T15:50:00.002-04:00

You have been leaving messages at work for 4 months now for Theresa, who, apparently has some payment issues. I have been here over 10 years and we have never shared an extension. People call me a lot of things but not Theresa. Today your robo-caller called for T during the day and gave me the option to inform you this was a wrong number. Thanks!!! But, don't put me on hold for 15 minutes?!

My Mother

2010-06-25T15:58:00.002-04:00

I love you ... I know you are my mother but I'm a big girl now. When you ask what I want for my Birthday/Christmas and I tell you in specific terms (including brand name, etc) ... that does NOT mean you should go out and buy the cheaper version. Its not a $2000 handbag, its a $100 piece of software. That's a $20 difference. Eeesh!

School Whine

2010-06-22T14:35:00.000-04:00

Despite already having a bachelors degree I have made the insane decision to return to school. WHY? Because apparently I'm a masochist. But that is a whine for another day. Anyway, I find myself constantly surrounded by 18 year old girls who keep asking me "Do you have babies? I LOVE babies!" or saying things like "OMG You're married? That's so cool!" and 18 year old boys who say things that I don't even pretend to understand at all but most of them seem to have something to do with either Megan Fox. This is all a bit annoying but still I put myself here so I can't complain too much. Until today....
I'm half way through my course work when my dept. head informs me that they are going to begin using a new program for my degree....and that I will have to adhere to it. WTF? They cant just change things like that in the middle of my degree! What about grandfathering?!? Every other college on EARTH allows you to graduate with the program you started in. So again I say, WTF??? So basically now half the classes I have taken are useless and I have to cram 3 semesters worth of classes into two so I can still finish on time, OH and work a full time job. SO....Pissed...Off....

Is the salad spinner top supposed to be Jack-in-the-boxish?

2010-06-20T10:59:00.001-04:00

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

darnit

2010-06-15T21:22:00.000-04:00

It's "only" three months until I see him again. I'm more then ready to see him.
But if he keeps talking about thinking of me flirting with/kissing/etc other men.. I darn well might

2010-06-14T22:22:00.003-04:00

I tried to surprise my husband by getting our wedding video transferred from VHS to DVD but apparently I need permission from the videographer.

Who DIED eleven years ago.

I'm pretty sure this is not why copyright laws were invented.

My Bitch List

2010-06-03T09:19:00.002-04:00

Things that have made the last 24 hours fun, and those that will make the next 12 hours even more fun:

1. Migraine

2. 'Aunt Flo'

3. Toddler loses paci.

4. Insomnia

5. Toddler wakes up 6 times (after I finally fall asleep) looking for lost paci.

6. Toddler wakes up at 6 a.m., crawls into bed with me and announces, "The sun is out!"

7. Today is toddler's birthday.

8. Still have migraine.

9. Toddler still doesn't have paci.

10. Toddler will not nap today without paci

11. I would buy him another but I would feel guilty because today he's 3. Do I really want this to continue? Quite possibly, yes. (go ahead and judge me now!)

And how was your day?

Is it hot in here?

2010-05-27T12:43:00.002-04:00

I've recently started having hot flashes and night sweats. YOU my loving husband are not. So when I start fanning myself and complaining about how hot I am...just shut.the.hell.up. Your smartass comments about putting on shorts or how You're not ready for this just prove what a dick you are.

Signed,

Shut up and bring me a glass of ice water

Weighing It All

2010-05-24T18:04:00.002-04:00

Everyone around me is losing weight...pills, shots, lapband, gastric bypass....and they are all losing it FAST!

I want to lose weight too, but I want to do it the healthiest way possible...and I want to change my eating habits along the way so I'm better equiped to keep the weight off. But it's hard when your results are not as fast as those who have taken more 'drastic' steps. And it's discouraging when there are people dropping the weight so quickly and are not 'humble' about it. Throwing it in your face. Criticizing what you're doing. Offering you the clothes that don't fit them anymore (and not in a nice 'I'm being so generous' way). And the bragging bragging bragging.

It's so tempting....the 'drastic' measure.

A Whine

2010-05-24T06:01:00.000-04:00

I sent my immediate family an email this weekend. It read "finally after ten years of marriage and three children, we have a booked a trip away together." It included the dates that our children will be staying with my family. My father responded that maybe my sister (middle child that we tip toe around) and her soon-to-be-husband should come along. My mother seconded that idea and said my sister should plan a week away because she's probably exhausted after planning a wedding*. No one mentioned us, the couple that has spent the last seven years wiping asses times three.

I wanted to respond, that if she makes it to ten years and has three children she will realize that planning her wedding for a year WAS a fucking honeymoon.

*Wedding next month. Insert jazz hands here.

Do You Enjoy a Freshly Folded Sunday Newspaper?

2010-05-23T08:39:00.002-04:00

Then you should probably not come over to our house. Because my 8 year old was trying to find the Mets' score from last night and The New York Times was stupid enough not to put it on the front page.

A ballet mom whine

2010-05-20T23:35:00.002-04:00

This is the 4th show all of us moms have received an e-mail asking us to 'Please look in your child's ballet bag and with their costumes. We're missing Spoiled-Brat-Daughter's (fill in the blank here). Please make sure you didn't put in with your child's stuff." Only to receive an e-mail 24 hours later with, "Oops. We found it."

This is how it works:

1. Label each piece of your child's costume (including shoes and tights) as well as the clothing they wear to and from the theater. And, for that matter, their DS, DS games, and toys.

2. Double check BEFORE you leave the theater that you have all parts of your child's costume. (and other crap)

3. If you arrive home and are missing a costume piece, assume it's there somewhere and LOOK AGAIN.

4. If you STILL don't find it, go back to the theater and hunt there. No, you may not shortcut this step by calling the dance teacher(s) or theater staff to perform the search for you.

5. If steps 2-4 are still unsuccessful, lecture your daughter -- and yourself -- about the proper care of their dance costume(s) and write off the missing piece as a learning experience.

6. Do not stand around and talk about how you're tired of things going missing at the theater if you haven't taken the proper steps to care for, be responsible for, and teach responsibility for belongings to Spoiled-Brat-Daughter. Especially if you haven't completed steps 2-4 which have yielded the missing costume piece every single time.

7. Assume that all the other parents have something better to do than

a.) look for your daughter's costume -- which they certainly don't have

b.) listen to you bitch about things being missing -- when they really aren't

c.) worry that there might actually be someone stealing items during ballets and recitals -- when there's not

d.) run around with a stray costume piece after a performance trying to locate its owner -- especially if it's not labeled!!

Upon completing step 7 please move on to the next section, which will be titled: How To Pull Your Head Out Of Your Ass And Teach Your Child To Be Kind, Patient, and Respectful Even If You're Not

2010-05-17T12:38:00.002-04:00

I'll be honest. When my kid's school calls and says your grandson is sick, but there's a terrible accident and the road is closed in my direction, and I call you and ask you to pick him up and you say you can't because you haven't had breakfast yet, and it's after 10 am, well, I become a little less concerned with the amount of jello on the floor of your soon-to-be nursing home.

I don't mind doing my family's laundry

2010-05-16T19:24:00.002-04:00

and I don't mind folding the clothes.

What I do mind is when my kids are too lazy to put their clothes away and rather than deal with the folded piles on top of their dressers, they put the clothes, FOLDED back into the dirty clothes hamper.

I mind that very, very much.

Screwed again...

2010-05-12T10:41:00.002-04:00

By the “Families with Children” parking space. What’s with this?

How about the “Lazy shopper with only 5 minutes” space? Ah, yes, that’s right next to the “Women too selfish to have children” bus stop.

Come on, Old Navy.

2010-05-08T21:06:00.001-04:00

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

mother's day plans

2010-05-08T15:29:00.002-04:00

Dear blessed husband,

When I tell you that a dear friend has invited a whole bunch of families (including ours) for Mother's Day dinner, you would do well NOT to say "That's okay because the time for the dinner reservations wasn't very good anyway."

This only serves to confirm that for ANOTHER year you didn't bother to do anything about Mother's Day until a day or two before the event, when all the normal dinnertime reservations have been taken and all that is left is 4:30 or 7:30. If you had kept your mouth shut or only said that you would cancel the reservations that you made, I would only have my suspicion that you delayed too long, not absolute proof.

Mother's Day is clearly marked on the vast majority of calendars in America. This means the date is available to you in January, if not earlier. Restaurants book reservations well in advance. There is no excuse. Get your head out of your butt and act on things in a timely manner.

Ditto Christmas and my birthday.

Your blessed wife

Work Whine

2010-05-07T16:27:00.002-04:00

Dear rest of the office;
If you are all going to leave me alone here, literally, the only one in the office,on Friday afternoons AT LEAST give me the authority to deal with problems b/c the s**t always seems to hit the fan right about 4:00 and all I can say is "Uhhh you need to talk to so and so, He's not here can I let you leave a message?" And then I get yelled at b/c people want to know why no one is in an office at 3:30 on a weekday. I know you all want to go home at 3:00 and go fishing or whatever but I'm just the part-time secretary. Since I am at the absolute bottom of the food chain around here any mistake I make is landing firmly on your shoulders not mine. Just something to think about.
P.S. Mr. Boss, Three phone lines cannot sanctimoniously be answered by one person. When you call three times and don't get an answer b/c I am too busy getting screamed at by and angry parent, and then yell at me b/c I'm the only one here...not cool! Have to go now, phone is exploding. Ugh.

Breathe. Or Take a Breath

2010-05-05T20:19:00.002-04:00

When you take a breath, you breathe. Please don't write that you can't "breath".

Men are confused creatures.

2010-05-04T01:33:00.002-04:00

Just because my husband is the one who is doing the work of painting the back porch, what makes him believe he has a say on the color choice?

Men.

Dear quad mate,

2010-05-03T22:10:00.001-04:00

Dear quad mate, we've been working together for three years now. I know you love the team atmosphere because you get to share every single solitary thought that flies through your head. But seriously, if I am not in the quad when you are sharing, I CANNOT answer any questions about the topic the second I walk back into the quad. Really.

Arm Whine

2010-05-03T09:02:00.002-04:00

Just joined a gym. Where they walk you through an abs, upper body, and lower body workout your first few visits. Did the upper body on Saturday. Now? The muscles in my arms have been so knotted up the last two days that I can't completely straighten them. Do you know how difficult it is to take care of personal business with this problem?

Pissy Hubby

2010-04-29T23:57:00.000-04:00

Yes, the house is messy. No, I didn't slave away to clean it because
OMG I haven been home, and now you have to help. Quit being a total
pissy bastard and just suck it up.

I am not responsible...

2010-04-29T17:38:00.001-04:00

For shit I hit with my car backing out of the garage. Period.

I *do not* routinely check underneath or behind my car before getting into it and driving away. I was educated at a state school in Florida, not by the g-damn Secret Service. If I could carry a gun, then maybe I would…nah, I still wouldn’t do it.

So, beware! Golf clubs, step ladders, tools, helmets, balls, spray cans, garbage, dumbbells, midgets, deer and unicorns – I will run over you!

don't turn my kid into a mall rat!

2010-04-26T22:29:00.001-04:00

Thanks to the social networking site that starts with an F and ends with a K, I learned that my daughter, over the weekend, spent hours unsupervised at the mall.

She was spending the night with a friend. The parent in charge dropped the two girls off to meet up with several other friends. Together they roamed the mall with no parent keeping them in check. Age? 12.

I don't like for my older teenager to do this. I think malls are a hotbed of materialism. What they don't see they won't be tempted to buy. But mostly I worry about perpetrators lurking. And the temptation to shoplift, which common sense tells me probably increases the longer kids are left on their own.

I can hardly believe that so many parents dropped their kids off and agreed to this arrangement. Am I over protective? Out of touch? A fuddy-duddy mom? I let my kids take long walks in the woods behind our house... I let them ride their bikes and wander around the neighborhood without supervision. But the mall?

Is it just me?

Advice

2010-04-26T13:19:00.001-04:00

Before you go telling me how inappropriate my daughters hair cut and color(s) is, you might want to consider something. My daughter listens to me and is well behaved. Yours is addicted to the internet and so spoiled she can be heard whining from down the block. Who is the bad parent here?

Do you not have an editor?

2010-04-22T09:12:00.001-04:00

Just finished the second Sookie Stackhouse novel by Charlaine Harris. In the first book Bill, one of the main characters, had five children and his name was William Erasmus Compton. In the second book, he said he had three children, one of whom died in infancy, and his name is William Thomas Compton. For real, Charlaine? From one book to the next, such a major inconsistency?

Sandra Bullock Photographed Without Her Wedding Ring

2010-04-20T21:41:00.001-04:00

Why exactly is this news?

What I'd love to see is Sandra Bullock photographed with Jesse James' balls on her keychain.